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Update 3 - it’s been a long few days

(54 Posts)
Coronade Wed 27-Nov-19 23:51:24

So update from when I told him I knew about the affair and I need advice please.
He refused to move out and is in the box room. I think he thinks he can wear me down if he’s still here.
He is being super nice, got my monthly cheque for bills and housekeeping off him today without asking. He also sold his classic car yesterday and the garage are paying the money into my account.

I’m just acting normal indoors but it’s so hard. I had a total crash Monday night and literally cried all night until 9am the next day. I just couldn’t stop. He is driving me mad. Keeps kneeling on the floor in front of me 😩 he text me “I love you” - I did laugh at this one and wondered whether to reply “have you got the right number”. He’s never text me this in the 27 yrs we’ve been together.
Keeps asking for a second chance. Says he can’t live without me and his family. I just keep repeating that I can never trust him again and will always resent him and I don’t want to live like that. He just says , no you will in time 😩
I found a promise list he’s written in the back of his diary today of all the things he’s going to promise to be.
I really don’t give a 💩 about his promises, it’s over and I just want him to accept it. He was meant to tell his mum last night as well and didn’t ( didn’t feel right). Don’t know if he’s still talking to the OW but I keep telling him he can still see her, my thinking being if he is still with her he might leave me alone.
He keeps trying to hug me too which I hate I just stand there like a brick. How do I get through to him? As we are all living in the house I really want to keep it as civil as possible..
DD has been great she said “he wasn’t thinking about how much he loves you when he was off shagging her or being a total prick to us”.
Any advice would be great, the mopping around like a sick puppy dog act is wearing* very thin. He’s also going for the ill sympathy vote as apparently he fainted at work today.

MarianaMoatedGrange Wed 27-Nov-19 23:58:18

Grey rock the twat. Move away when he's on his knees (ugh) or tries to hug you (double ugh). He'll soon get bored of play acting.

ELM8 Thu 28-Nov-19 00:04:41

The thing is he's still being incredibly selfish, he's making this all about him and not what's best for you.

It's not best for you to be with someone who didn't treat you very well at all (OW aside, from the sounds of it).

It's not best for you to not have space to deal with this and process everything that's happened.

It's not best for you to be guilt tripped into staying in a relationship with someone who clearly has no respect for you or himself.

Stay strong, your DD sounds like a great sounding board. He needs to move out.

plightofthealbatross Thu 28-Nov-19 00:04:49

Seek legal advice.

And tell him to stop touching you. You don't' consent to it, and it stops immediately. And book yourself in for a std check and tell him you've had to do so because of his cheating bastard lifestyle.

user1479305498 Thu 28-Nov-19 01:23:08

I would probably be tempted to move out myself OP, if you are able to rent eleswhere. If not, then best to file for divorce on adultery grounds and get it over asap rather than drag it out. The 2 years thing tends to only work when partners accept the situation and are reasonable about it. Other than that you could play the 'I need some space and let's see how things go card'

Aquamarine1029 Thu 28-Nov-19 01:44:36

You've got to stand firm and be cold as ice. STOP allowing him to touch you. How revolting and disgusting of him that he thinks his affections would be wanted. Tell him to FUCK OFF.

MarthasGinYard Thu 28-Nov-19 01:57:31

Threaten to tell her husband if he doesn't move out

SevenStones Thu 28-Nov-19 02:08:41

What have you done so far legally? You need to file for divorce sooner rather than later.

justilou1 Thu 28-Nov-19 02:50:47

“Don’t touch me.”
“You disgust me.”
“Look at yourself.”
“Have some dignity.”
“You repulse me.”
“Show some respect for me and listen to ALL of the words.”
“Go away.”

justilou1 Thu 28-Nov-19 02:52:41

“Stop grovelling”
“Far too little. Far too late.”
“Utterly pointless”
“Unattractive Dramatics”

MsDogLady Thu 28-Nov-19 03:37:13

He loves you and can’t live without you? That is rich, as recently he called you a ‘retard,’ told you to ‘F off out of his sight,’ threw a cup at you that left a bruise, and spent a small fortune of family money while cheating with OW. He has humiliated you in front of the children. For years he has been the very definition of cruelty and contempt.

Your ex-partner’s living with you is toxic and untenable. He is still trying to control you. Stop tolerating his manipulations and assert stronger boundaries. Tell him firmly to stop touching you and to stay out of your way. Converse only about the children and walk away when he starts his guff. Surely you are not cooking, washing, running errands, etc. for him.

You cannot continue to be trapped there with him. When are you and the DC moving to the other house? What is your solicitor’s advice?

notapizzaeater Thu 28-Nov-19 04:02:34

Walk away every single time he tries. How soon till you can get away ?

Ihavehadenoughalready Thu 28-Nov-19 04:03:34

"No. End of discussion."

Mom used this with us when we were kids and it really did work.

Plus, see an atty immediately if not sooner!

justilou1 Thu 28-Nov-19 05:39:23

You could ask try the rolled up newspaper on the nose, but probably illegal.

justilou1 Thu 28-Nov-19 05:39:40


Goldenchildsmum Thu 28-Nov-19 05:48:10

Grey rock him.

'No' every single time. Just say no no no and look at him with horror each time

'Please don't touch me, you disgust me'

What does your solicitor say? This behaviour from him isn't surprising imo . The child's toys are being removed and he's not getting his own way so the child is manipulating the situation to his own end

I must admit (and I'm so sorry if this is not right for you) but I would tell him that if he doesn't move out and tell his mother that you will tell his mother and OWs husband. And I would follow through

Lilyflower1 Thu 28-Nov-19 05:57:43

Inform his mother and the OW’s husband and then the playacting cannot continue.

JoannaObrien Thu 28-Nov-19 06:02:15


Stay strong .. I wouldn't forgive him either.

Tell him to move in with his parents because he needs to leave now imho

RantyAnty Thu 28-Nov-19 06:30:37

How are things with the solicitor?

He's trying to wear you down with his harassment and that's exactly what it is.

Tell him to keep his bleep hands off of you.

Wear noise cancelling headphones around him so you don't have to listen to his abusive crap. Act like he doesn't exist at all.

He has places to go so he needs to get out. Give him a few days or a week to leave or you'll tell everyone.

champagneandfromage50 Thu 28-Nov-19 07:26:17

That sounds awful. I can’t believe he is moving around still suggesting you will get over it in time. He doesn’t even have the decency to leave and respect your wishes. Sorry when did he think that trying again was his decision. The arrogance of a man who treated you all dreadfully and still thinks he can dictate the future. OW has likely to him to FO. I would be telling people in real life including his mum. He will get angry as the reality hits him so please look after yourself.

champagneandfromage50 Thu 28-Nov-19 07:28:07

Oh and as for the hugging I understand you standing there like a brick however I would be setting some boundaries. You may need to sit him down and have a very frank discussion and agree next steps.

MarthasGinYard Thu 28-Nov-19 08:01:23

I'm confused I've posted on your other 'update 3' are you just using this thread now Op?

Hope you doing ok

Coronade Thu 28-Nov-19 08:11:04

Yes I know I need to be stronger and I’m being Far too nice.
I even said to him, surely if I cared I should be screaming and shouting at you. The fact I’m so calm and unbothered and telling you to still see OW, must make you realise it’s over.
The doer upper is very old people, very smelly and a bit mouldy (it’s been empty for 2 yrs). I don’t want to make dc’s live in it any longer than we have too. No furniture either and I don’t want to risk the buyer pulling out of the sale of this house by making it look awful If I move half the furniture out. I’m hoping this houses’s sale will go through really quickly as there are only 2 houses in the chain and the first one has been surveyed already.
We are not married so no divorce and I can not force him out of either house as he’s joint owner..
He can’t move in with his mum she has a tiny flat and he has no other family.
Yes I am still doing his dinner and washing ( I know) but as I don’t work I need him to still pay housekeeping and with us all being under one roof too I wanted to keep it as civil as possible.
I’m going to tell his mum when she visits next week if he hasn't done it by then.
I do realise it’s all about what he wants,. He is only worried about being on his own with no house maid and personal assistant.
He looks so pathetic when he kneels on the floor in front of me, “not such the big man bully now” I think in my head.
I suppose I think if I stay civil he will too (but I think it’s giving him hope) and if I play the game so to speak I will get a better result financially for me and the DC’s.
I will definitely start with a firm NO to the hugging. I’m trying to avoid spending any time in the house alone with him as well if both DC’s are out to avoid any more begging conversations.
I thought the telling him I know about the affair and telling the kids we are splitting up was going to be the hard bit. 🤯🤯🤯

Coronade Thu 28-Nov-19 08:15:08

Sorry started a new thread as I thought it was getting a bit long and was easier for people to read.

GiveHerHellFromUs Thu 28-Nov-19 08:22:53

Does he know the kids know? Has he spoken to them about it?

I feel so sorry for you. You're doing amazingly.

Do you think he'd get angry if you told him some home truths?

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