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Struggling

(60 Posts)
123xo321 Wed 27-Nov-19 19:45:08

My boyfriend has been depressed for a long time
He’s lost a lot but I’ve helped him through everything
We’re supposed to be getting married
However, last month I noticed he was messaging other girls and one message was “I’ll always have love for you”
And obviously I got angry about it but I’ve sort of forgiven him
However, recently he keeps saying he’s going to milk himself and if I tell his family or ring the police or do anything then his deaths on my hands. I feel so helpless sad
This has happened a few times now

123xo321 Wed 27-Nov-19 19:46:57

Kill himself *

12345kbm Wed 27-Nov-19 19:48:38

Can you explain a little more about the circumstances under which he threatens to kill himself?

123xo321 Wed 27-Nov-19 19:50:11

He just says “this is it, I’m going to do it, I’m not telling you where you are and if you ask my family where I am then the death is on you. I won’t be alive in the morning”
Things like that

12345kbm Wed 27-Nov-19 19:52:37

So, I mean the context. For example, does he start to threaten to kill himself when you say you want to leave the relationship or that he has to get a job or that he needs to get help...?

123xo321 Wed 27-Nov-19 19:54:49

When we argue, when I tell him the things I want to do and that we need to talk about situations because we’ve lost a house we bought because he walked out of a job without telling me, so we get into an arguement when I say we need to talk about our life and how we can sort it then he starts

12345kbm Wed 27-Nov-19 19:59:15

He's manipulating you in order to get you to back down and do what he wants. It's very, very common with abusive men. He is using it to do whatever he wants in the relationship. For example, message other women, walk out of a job, discuss your future, stay out all night.

He sounds irresponsible, immature, manipulative and he's probably cheating. Are you sure you want to marry him?

123xo321 Wed 27-Nov-19 20:01:57

We’re living at my mums at the minute because we lost the house, and he’s living here rent free.
Once, a month or two ago, he told me he was at work and I came home for my lunch and he was sat there and said and I asked why wasn’t he at work? And he just kicked off “COs I was going to kill myself today!”
I feel bad COs he has nowhere else to go, he’s a dad too, to another woman’s child. If I end it he’ll end on the streets and its my fault

123xo321 Wed 27-Nov-19 20:03:31

He hasn’t came home tonight and he’s now turned off his phone and won’t reply to me when I keep asking if he’s coming home, I’ll even pick him up

12345kbm Wed 27-Nov-19 20:04:16

What do you want to do?

123xo321 Wed 27-Nov-19 20:05:27

I want everything to go back to normal
When he worked 40 hours a week, where we had a house to live in, where we had a wedding planned
But he keeps just threatening to kill himself and blame me for it

123xo321 Wed 27-Nov-19 20:07:33

Ps. I also work full time so I’m not just wanting him to provide income

12345kbm Wed 27-Nov-19 20:09:35

How would you feel if he was currently out with another woman?

123xo321 Wed 27-Nov-19 20:10:02

Id go crazy sad
Getting upset at the thought

RaininSummer Wed 27-Nov-19 20:10:15

I am afraid that he sounds like a manipulative loser. Nothing is on you if he ends up homeless or even does kill himself {which he won't as this is just words to make you give up on discussing whatever is wrong). I think you need to warn him that if he doesn't work on the things you need as a couple such as get a job and keep a job, you want to split up and he needs to find a new home.

12345kbm Wed 27-Nov-19 20:16:42

He's not paying rent.
He lost your house because he walked out of his job.
He's messaging other women. He's currently out, switched off his phone, you don't know where he is or when he's getting back (2+2)
When you try to discuss problems in the relationship he threatens to kill himself.

Do you really think that you should spend another five minutes with, never mind marry this man OP?

Hanab Wed 27-Nov-19 20:21:32

Let him on his merry way ..
tell his family all his issues and let them deal with him ..

He is taking advantage of you and your mum..

Take care of YOU ..

123xo321 Wed 27-Nov-19 20:24:41

I wish I could show you the messages
I won’t be able to sleep tonight
He said he’s at w friends tonight but won’t tell me which friends incase I message them

123xo321 Wed 27-Nov-19 20:25:44

I feel embarrassed talking to my family about it
They know nothing

Sunflowersok Wed 27-Nov-19 20:30:20

What are the reasons he claims he wants to kill himself?

You know this is emotional manipulation don’t you?

12345kbm Wed 27-Nov-19 20:31:01

I know you're upset but this is no life and he has completely disengaged from the relationship.

Pack his stuff up and tell him to leave tomorrow. I'm sure he can stay with the woman he's with tonight, I wouldn't worry about him being homeless. He's walking all over you OP and you deserve far, far better than this.

He won't kill himself.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Wed 27-Nov-19 20:31:33

If I end it he’ll end on the streets and its my fault

No, that would not be your fault. He is an adult and it's his responsibility to look after himself. If he's suicidal (which it doesn't sound like he is - manipulative is more like it!) and you end it, then his family will support him. He would not be your responsibility any more. You'd be free of all this.

I think it's a very good way forward. I think marrying this man would be an extremely bad move.

123xo321 Wed 27-Nov-19 20:37:06

I feel so useless and I’m sad all the time and I just don’t know what to do
My family and friends have no idea what’s going on because he’ll get angry at me telling them sad I said my dad and me will come and get him tonight and he kicked off “why you telling your family about what’s going on?”

Savingforarainyday Wed 27-Nov-19 20:37:44

Crikey
Set him free

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Wed 27-Nov-19 20:42:32

Listen to your feelings. They're an indication of how bad this relationship is.

And think, if you leave him, you don't need to worry about his reaction when you tell people how bad it was!

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