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Don't think I can stay any longer

(63 Posts)
emmy29 Tue 21-Aug-07 16:30:26

I've had so much advice from various friends and family that I don't know which way to turn.

I have been unhappy with my DH for a while. We have been together 10 years married for 4 and have four children together. Recently I met someone else who I really like. We just click and you don't meet many people like that in life. Anyway DH found out and life has been pretty much hell for the last 4 weeks.

In my heart I know I shouldn't stay but it is scary leaving. We are arguing constantly and I've told him twice that its over and each time he has overreacted and got really angry which has scared me. He knows that it will take time to sort things out if I am leaving i.e. finding somewhere for me and the kids to live. However the other night I'd had enough and said it was over and he threatened to throw me out as it is "his house". I refused and he said he was leaving I went to get something from the car and he locked me out so I had to smash the back door window to get in. I can't keep going on like this its not fair on the children.

To top it off today I was giving my second son a bath and when he took his clothes off he has a hand print bruise on his back. I asked him how it had happened and my eldest son said that Dad had hit him when I was at work on the weekend. I asked the details and he said that Daddy had hit him really hard on the back and around the head!! I am absolutely in shock. He's always had a bad temper with the kids, but I will not tolerate this. It has just made me want to leave even more.

The problem I've got is he thinks that he is not to blame at all for me wanting to leave he thinks all the blame is on this other man I like. But I would not leave if I wasn't unhappy. I wouldn't leave him for another guy as that's just stupid. I like this other guy but its just highlighted to me all the problems in our marriage and made me realise that we are just so different.

I feel so suffocated by him as he's taken to checking everything I say or do on the computer and checking my phone. He has absolutely no trust left and I cannot live with someone not giving me any tiny bit of privacy which he thinks is his right at the moment.

I'm just sooooooo tired of all the fighting

CountessDracula Tue 21-Aug-07 16:34:50

So what has happened with this other man?

emmy29 Tue 21-Aug-07 16:39:09

There is nothing going on now. Right now we are not having any contact as I need the space to sort out my marriage. Things can either go two ways. I can leave my marriage sort my life out and then see if my relationship with this other man will go anywhere or I can stay married, forget about this other man and be unhappy.

ScoobyDooooo Tue 21-Aug-07 16:40:43

If you don't love him anymore & are unhappy then i would say leave, life is to short to stay unhappy forever.

Also what he done to your son is very he must have hit him hard to leave a mark like that

CountessDracula Tue 21-Aug-07 16:41:46

What has happened in the past then?
If you have been unfaithful with this man I can totally understand why your dh doesn't trust you and is checking up on you.

Doesn't excuse hitting your ds thoguh

emmy29 Tue 21-Aug-07 16:42:15

I know Scoobydoo everytime I think about it I feel sick and I just hugged my little boy and cried as I feel like I've let him down letting something like that happen to him. I've taken a photo as proof as I really don't I'm overreacting about it. To me its extremely serious.

mintchips Tue 21-Aug-07 16:42:28

TBH if I found my dp had hit my dc like that, we'd be out of there.

I understand leaving is scarey but living like this isn't fair on you or your dcs

Saturn74 Tue 21-Aug-07 16:43:40

What are your friends and family advising?
Can you take the children and stay with one of them for a few days?

emmy29 Tue 21-Aug-07 16:47:09

I can hand my heart say I understand why he's doing all this checking up and I can't blame him, I would be the same most probably.

Our relationship has always had its ups and downs and he even admitted that he had had a fling with someone a few years ago, nothing serious, but he was very confused at the time. I was angry that he lied to me about it but I guess I've got no right afterall I've done the same thing now.

We just disagree on so much and I just feel like we have grown apart over the years. He says he loves me more than ever now, but I feel the opposite. Everything he does winds me up and I've always hated the way he treats the kids. To me he is overbearing and controlling with them and I am finding it more and more difficult to cope with. We have talked about it over and over and over for years about the way he is with them, he changes for a week and then it all goes back to normal. I've even asked him to seek help for it but he never does.

emmy29 Tue 21-Aug-07 16:50:19

I have no family in the area. I spoke to my mum about it and she's told me to stick it out and try and sort it as I have too much to lose. Then my friends are telling me that I deserve to be happy and the fighting is not healthy for the children which I agree with and that is my main priority. Even if its just temporary I really think that a break from each other would help us sort things out. Its just everytime I raise the subject he explodes and gets angry and I just get frightened.

CountessDracula Tue 21-Aug-07 16:51:18

Maybe now would be a good time to issue an ultimatum about seeking help then
have you tried counselling (couples or single)

Saturn74 Tue 21-Aug-07 16:53:52

Sounds awful.
I would consider leaving for a few days when your DH is out of the house, and leave him a note with a contact number.
Can you go to your mother's house, or to a friend?
The aggression towards your son is very worrying - does your mother know about that too?

CountessDracula Tue 21-Aug-07 16:53:58

Oh and fwiw I wouldn't make any decisions about moving out until you have explored every avenue. Clearly your dh is feeling very aggrieved at finding out about your infidelity at the moment, he wont' be acting in a normal way. You do have to ensure the safety of you dcs though, so fgs talk to your dh about it.

However I would think for the sake of your dcs you should try and work it out. Clearly if it is not possible then you would have to leave but at least give it a go with some professional help

EscapeFrom Tue 21-Aug-07 16:54:02

Go to the police and have your husband charged, then go to the council and say you need to be housed right now as your husband is beating your children.

If my ex had ever bruised my children, or even hit them, he'd be dead in a ditch. You must get your children away from this abusive bag of shit. Never mind you and your new man, get your children away.

emmy29 Tue 21-Aug-07 16:56:21

I'm so angry with him that he's hurt our son. I know when I ask him about it he'll make up some excuse for it. He just doesn't ever see that the way he behaves is wrong.

emmy29 Tue 21-Aug-07 16:58:53

I wasn't trying to say that my marriage problems are more important than him damaging my son so please don't think that. I was abused myself as a child so I am actually in a lot of shock at the moment about it as its like the past coming back. My marriage problems are nothing compared to someone abusing your child.

LaBoheme Tue 21-Aug-07 17:01:38

you mean he has hit your son so hard he left a mark?

tracyk Tue 21-Aug-07 17:02:15

What is it you want from this thread then?
Why are you still there???

mintchips Tue 21-Aug-07 17:06:50

I agree with humphrey- staying away for a few days would give you both some space and hopefully show him that you mean business.

He sounds like a spoilt child, he gets angry when you say things he doesn't like and won't accept responsibilty for his actions.

emmy29 Tue 21-Aug-07 17:07:02

Yes, it is four distinct finger marks in the middle of his back. My first thought was that he had been fighting with his brother so I asked where they had come from and he said I don't know then my eldest son came in and said "oh that's from when dad hit him on Saturday when you were at work"

I asked him to tell me if it happened before and he said yes most weekends when you're working and he has hit him around the head as well

I said that no one has a right to hit anybody and that what Daddy has done is very very wrong and he will be in a lot of trouble for it. I'm just in total shock that I'm kind of thinking has this really happened. Speaking now has put it all in place and made me realise that I'm not overreacting this is very serious.

mintchips Tue 21-Aug-07 17:08:05

Have you confronted your dh about hitting your son?

Novacane Tue 21-Aug-07 17:09:35

Even if he turned into the nicest caring considerate man in the world could you look him in the eyes and think'I love you', knowing he had beat your son?

I'm all for marriage counselling and making it work for the children etc, hell knows my relationship is bloody awful at times.

But if my DP ever hit my son, like Escapefrom says...... He's be dead in a ditch.

IMO it's that black and white.

Don't let history repeat itself, you owe it to your kids.

Saturn74 Tue 21-Aug-07 17:09:46

What did your DH say when questioned about the bruises?

emmy29 Tue 21-Aug-07 17:10:13

He's at work and I couldn't get hold of him. I've just been by myself going over and over it. I think I've just been in denial as I didn't want to believe it.

Saturn74 Tue 21-Aug-07 17:11:23

I think you need to have a very calm conversation about it.
How old is your eldest son?

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