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Dating Thread 175 - It's not you, it's them. Also: people are weird at Christmas time.

(1000 Posts)
MoreNiceCereal Tue 26-Nov-19 23:36:08

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps


Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

crazycatlady20 Tue 26-Nov-19 23:38:29

help! someone said earlier they wouldnt tell an iron they were going on another date if they asked what they were doing.

I've not been able to reply to one as I was on a call with another, now hes asking if another guy had kept me busy. do I just tell the truth? I dont like lying at all.

MoreNiceCereal Tue 26-Nov-19 23:40:46

If you don't feel comfortable lying, then don't. I would always just say I was out with or talking to friends. Everyone is swiping and chatting, aren't they? More or less? If he's weird about it then at least you know early on.

notmrscookie Wed 27-Nov-19 03:01:47

Found u ...Its hard re talking to others.. I would just say talking to a friend in crisis or something. No one else owns your time..It almost seems controling.
Taking a step back from pof etc as on hoilday of a lifetime in Asia but I have someone who wants to be my fwb .Have dtd with him already local etc but he confided in me that his ex is pregnant and itz knocked him backwards but he doesn't want to settle down ...Its confirmed to me what i already knew i am.45 2 kids aged 19 &24 no plans for anymore .He 38 no kids . Will see how tje next week goes ehay app wise

Jennifer2r Wed 27-Nov-19 04:09:23


Say you were on the phone. If he continues to probe its a red flag, its none of his business at this stage.

Jane1978xx Wed 27-Nov-19 04:31:10

@crazycatlady20. Just say busy but has he been asking why you can’t reply ? You just might not want to ! Or I don’t message anyone after 10 at night. Seems a little too clingy

Jane1978xx Wed 27-Nov-19 04:32:22

@notmrscookie. Pregnant ex does seem very complicated

notmrscookie Wed 27-Nov-19 04:59:39

@Jane1978xx Not his .They split for 3 years but its making him question what he wants...

crazycatlady20 Wed 27-Nov-19 07:42:48

@Jennifer2r @Jane1978xx
nah it's not really clingyness. think he said it as a joke kinda. I've already said to him I dont think he has enough time to date, but we continue to talk. I didn't actually say I was speaking to a guy, just said I was on a call, but he knew I was avoiding answering his question properly. Will see how he is today.

TigerDater Wed 27-Nov-19 08:46:15

Thank you for the new thread morenice. Hear hear about weird Christmas vibes!

I’ve deleted my account on Tinder. The last match I got had a picture of him at Father Ted’s house. I messaged to say I envied him, he said ‘oh so you’re a fan?’, I said ‘Feck, yes!’ and he unmatched me! Was I the weird one or was he? I honestly thought it was the only appropriate response...

TigerDater Wed 27-Nov-19 08:47:28

unambiguousbeard did you meet him in the end?

Sunshineandflipflops Wed 27-Nov-19 08:48:01

@crazycatlady20 I started chatting to Mr Ad and another guy at the same time (both have the same name, funnily enough), and although I felt a better connection with Mr Ad, he took ages asking me on a date and the other guy got in there first so I said yes. By the time the date arrived, me and Mr Ad had been talking more and more and when he asked what I was doing that night I felt awful and told him.
He was really good about it but later admitted he was gutted! I asked him out in the end...!

I don't think you should have to tell someone you are chatting to other people unless they ask outright, in which case I would tell the truth. Dates I think are a bit different.

Eesha Wed 27-Nov-19 08:49:45

placemarking again!

sableandI Wed 27-Nov-19 08:58:59

TigerDater he was weird. That's tinder for you. I got a message last night and was deleted by message 2. I only asked how he was confused

EchoElephant Wed 27-Nov-19 09:07:48

TigerDater I was out with friends last night and we were all doing Father Ted impressions. The one with the cow - small cow, far away cow 😂
That was just weird to unmatch you. But nothing surprises me these days.

I'd never tell an iron I was out on another date. I'm always say I'm out with friends or doing my sports or spending time with my daughter.
We all know that most people are meeting and chatting to others but you don't want to have it confirmed.

crazycatlady20 Wed 27-Nov-19 09:20:29

@sableandI I got unmatched after 1 reply on tinder. he messaged first to ask which drink would he buy me on a date and I replied 'champagne of course 😂'. I dont even like champagne lol, dont want to talk to him anyway if he has no sense of humour lol.

I will see how Mr Tennis is today. he only ever says he'll try to meet and can try pop through for 45 mins on way from work. maybe it will spur him on to make time or he'll back off. if he'd made mor effort I prob wouldnt be chatting to other people. he has said he isnt, if true, I guess cos he doesnt have time.

TigerDater Wed 27-Nov-19 09:23:13

echo I agree, I think the policy on both sides should be ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ in the very early days. I never ask, but I’ve been doing this for a while 😂. I can see how someone new to OLD wouldn’t think it was inappropriate to ask though. So a quick ‘at my book club’ or ‘talking to my DD’ if I’m feeling mellow, or the truth/whatever takes my fancy/offended silence at any other time.

StealthNinjaMum Wed 27-Nov-19 10:33:39

@crazycatlady20 I told Mr R I was dating someone else and it really bothered him. I was completely over invested before we even met and it was obvious that he was dating other women so I - insecurely - wanted him to know I was a catch. We were exclusive from about date 3 as a result.

@jesuisprest Mr R still hasn't told me he loves me after 6 months. In the early days he used the 'l' word when drunk after 3 or 4 weeks but it hasn't been repeated. I'm not sure if he does love me, I certainly love him, but he is very thoughtful and treats me well and has said he sees a future with me so that is good enough for me at the moment. I go through insecurities when we don't see each other but that's always me being stupid.

@Sunshineandflipflops how long have you been with Mr Ad now? 3 / 4 months? I can't believe how quickly it's gone considering it felt like you were agonising over Mr SAS for the longest time ever. I'm glad it's all worked out.

bangheadhere40 Wed 27-Nov-19 10:34:29

Checking in

Jane1978xx Wed 27-Nov-19 11:00:10

How are you @bangheadhere40 ?

I’m off out on a date tonight but I am shattered 😔. But if I don’t go I might regret it and I only have 2 or 3 night free now until new year

PinkMonkeyBird Wed 27-Nov-19 11:19:44

Quick update from me on MrDr. It is going very well. I stayed at his at the weekend - it was the first time we had slept together and glad to say we are compatible in that sense. I was worried about what would happen if we weren't.

He's off out with friends tonight as one of them has a birthday meal. MrDr invited me to go with him, but unfortunately I can't make it due to a work commitment. He said he will be telling them he has a girlfriend - it's definitely a big thing in his circle of friends as they had given up on him getting into a relationship. We are still very much smitten and he's hoping to meet my friends in a few weeks time. I think over the Christmas period I will introduce him to my (adult) DCs.

Khaleesii Wed 27-Nov-19 11:25:40

Checking in. Thanks for new thread more and yes to “it’s them”

Ive got 3 potential irons, a date set for one this weekend, Mr Young... he’s 8 years younger that me which I’ve never really gone more than a year younger. So, no expectations. His texts sometimes seem a bit silly.. but could be his SOH.
The other 2 have said they want to meet but not asked me out as such.

Sunshineandflipflops Wed 27-Nov-19 11:41:17

@StealthNinjaMum Yes, just over 3 months now. Things are going well...he has a lot of complications as a result of past alcoholism and I have wondered a few times if it's all worth it but the positives outweigh the negatives right now and I haven't come across any men in the last 2 years who have been complication free in their 40's. I'm not complication free either so it would be unfair and unrealistic of me to expect that in someone else.
I don't know about the future but right now things are pretty good smile

bangheadhere40 Wed 27-Nov-19 12:20:10

Hi Jane, I'm ok, apart from being off work poorly 😔

Good luck with tonight

Marlboroandmalbec34 Wed 27-Nov-19 12:34:45

Thanks for the new thread morenice

Good for you bangshead it does hurt but we have all been there lovely!

ant wooma still smitten?😍

jesuis you are bang on. Actions speak louder than words and he sounds wonderful still 👍

In answer to your question jesuis Mr Big is still on the scene. I see him occasionally (we go out to gigs etc) but I see him when it suits. I would actually class him as a friend now but I am over him for anything romantic (I know, I know I’m probs a fool!)

Pleased for you sunshine

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