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FIL a creep? Or overreacting?

(310 Posts)
icksahoy Fri 22-Nov-19 15:38:03

This is my first post and I apologise if this is lengthy or incoherent, but my head is all over the place right now.

I have been married for 7 years, in a relationship with my DH for 10, and have always had a fairly nice relationship with my FIL. He is a rather 'old fashioned' man when it comes to women though and we have frequently fallen out when I've felt that he is trying to control me. Mainly this is a result of me being out with friends while my DH stays at home with the kids (rarely happens).

Anyway, we fell out last weekend over this exact issue. Normally we don't speak for a few days then everything is forgiven. This time however he text me asking me to go for a coffee with him as "he is in bits and loves me more than I know". Alarm bells started ringing at this point.

I met him for a coffee and he insisted on holding my hand as we walked across the carpark. Kept trying to hold my hand while we had coffee. Tells me he gets jealous when I greet people with a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek, as I never do that to him. Asked me if I loved my DH and mentioned several times that he loves me. Seems to think that a good FIL/DIL relationship involves kisses and cuddles and hand holding. When we left he insisted on a hug goodbye and a kiss. So I kissed his cheek and he laughed and said no and kissed me on the lips.

This whole encounter has made me feel really icky for a want of a better word. And very uncomfortable around him. I've not told my DH exactly what happened as he is very very close to his dad and I don't want to break his heart. But I have told him that his dad needs to leave me alone for a while.

I guess what I'm asking is did I overreact? Is he simply being an overly affectionate FIL, who is wanting a good relationship with his DIL, and just getting it horribly wrong? Or am I right thinking this is really really creepy and I need to keep my distance?

OP’s posts: |
KristinaM Fri 22-Nov-19 15:39:44

Are you out of your mind ????? Of course none of this is normal.

You are NOT overreacting. You are seriously under reacting .

treeofwhispers Fri 22-Nov-19 15:40:25

That behaviour is obviously completely inappropriate and very worrying. You need to tell your DH. His father might be having some sort of breakdown.

Tonz Fri 22-Nov-19 15:41:05

I would be creeped out. Really think you should speak to your husband on this one

PerfectionistProcrastinator Fri 22-Nov-19 15:41:13

Wow, his behaviour was definitely not ok.

Meathmum Fri 22-Nov-19 15:41:35

Good grief, your FIL is way affectionate. It sounds like hes trying to initiate an intimate relationship with you. I absolutely would tell your DH and terminate the relationship with FIL.

maslinpan Fri 22-Nov-19 15:42:50

That is revolting behaviour, and you can't ignore it. Talk to your DH now, don't bottle it up.

Breathlessness Fri 22-Nov-19 15:43:09

Totally creepy.

Seeleyboo Fri 22-Nov-19 15:43:35

He has sexually assaulted you IMO. I wouldn't yo nest him again and tell. Poor you OP.

IdiotInDisguise Fri 22-Nov-19 15:43:43

Bloody hell! You need to tell your DH before he goes and tells him “if he put up with this behaviour from her very own FIL, what else does she allow strangers to do?”

Honestly OP, it is either creepy or manipulative but I would say this is NOT one of those things you can shove under the carpet and hope it is all forgotten.

Seeleyboo Fri 22-Nov-19 15:44:09

That should say. I wouldn't go near him again.

chocolatefudgecake17 Fri 22-Nov-19 15:44:17

Oh that's really not appropriate. You need to tell your DH. And avoid FIL. Forevermore.

IdiotInDisguise Fri 22-Nov-19 15:45:19

If she Puts up with that behaviour, meant to say.

mistermagpie Fri 22-Nov-19 15:46:57

Yikes, I would be totally freaked out if my FIL behaved like that!

BumbleBeee69 Fri 22-Nov-19 15:48:52

I agree.. please do not with hold this from your DH...tell him immediately so this cannot be turned on it's head as being driven by you. and do not ever meet your FIL alone again... do not engage in his hand holding kissing bullshit either... stop with the kissing completely.. even the hugs.. wave goodbye to him from 10 yards away.. what a CREEP... flowers

mbosnz Fri 22-Nov-19 15:49:30

That man is a grade A, full-blown creep.

I would be telling your DH, because you need to keep yourself safe. And he deserves to know.

I would be refusing to see him again, certainly whenever DH was not present - and by present, I mean in the room. He would not be allowed in the house when he was not there.

I sympathise because I had a creepy inlaw, and it just about tore my family in bits, because I was too young, and completely stuffed up trying to handle it on my own.

bgegmum Fri 22-Nov-19 15:49:59

That's weird. Some parts I was kinda like aw that sounds okay if you've known him for years especially if he's elderly (holding hand for HELP if not then that's weird) kissing on the cheek and cuddling I wouldn't see as weird but getting jealous of it is strange, lips is a big no no.
Has he always been this weird with you?
If not is it possible he may be suffering from dementia or something similar?
Either way if it's making you feel uncomfortable you should stay away from him.
Tell you DH but be prepared for denial etc.

BreadSauceHmm Fri 22-Nov-19 15:52:56

Omg ewww, please tell your DH before FIL tells his version of events.

user1471449295 Fri 22-Nov-19 15:54:50

Very worrying behaviour. I feel for you. I don’t know how you would deal with this. You need to tell your DH. I think there are some very painful and uncomfortable conversations ahead.
I would tell FIL that no, that behaviour isn’t normal or appropriate, and to not over step the mark like that a lever again. Things will probably never be the same with FIL, but to be honest, that’s not your fault. A very clear line needs to be drawn. Now.

icksahoy Fri 22-Nov-19 15:55:06

He's not feeble, definitely doesn't need hand holding for help, and he's always been a little bit lecherous I guess. But for the sake of DH I always just ignored it or laughed it off. I know if I tell my DH it will break his heart. And he will fall out hugely with his dad. Also, my MIL is not very well generally and I worry the effect all of this will have on her health. Basically I'm being a big ol coward. But I know I need to tell him sad

OP’s posts: |
user1471449295 Fri 22-Nov-19 15:55:47

Has he ever shown creepy behaviour before? Creeps usually give signs.

DriftingLeaves Fri 22-Nov-19 15:56:01

Utterly inappropriate.

ShamefulBlanket Fri 22-Nov-19 15:57:47

I'm astonished that anyone would think this is normal behaviour, tbh.

thistimelastweek Fri 22-Nov-19 15:59:08

Everything about this is odd. Why does he even know, much less care, if you go out for an evening? Why does he think he has a say? And the rest of it is well creepy

IdiotInDisguise Fri 22-Nov-19 15:59:50

Stop thinking about the others, this can destroy your relationship with DH of your FIÑ gives him his own version first ... and he would be stupid not to

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