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Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

(1000 Posts)
EmmaWizard909 Thu 21-Nov-19 20:57:14

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

EmmaWizard909 Thu 21-Nov-19 20:59:21

Sorry...Daughter is 30 not 34!

Her brother is 34, she is younger. Don’t suppose it makes much difference, still a grown woman.

CoffeeBeansGalore Thu 21-Nov-19 20:59:55

Do you have any other children & do you treat them differently?

Neolara Thu 21-Nov-19 21:00:35

Um, you choose to go shopping instead of spending time with your very upset daughter. I think you told her where your priorities are. I'm not surprised she's upset.

Namechangeforthiscancershit Thu 21-Nov-19 21:00:37

Oh bless her, you didn't go and get her? I'm biased because I'm about your daughter's age but I would definitely have wanted my mum. And yes I know exactly how that sounds...

ComeTheFuck0nBridget Thu 21-Nov-19 21:00:49

This has to be a joke.

If it's true, I feel very sorry for your daughter.

snappedandsharted Thu 21-Nov-19 21:00:55

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CoffeeBeansGalore Thu 21-Nov-19 21:01:17

Sorry , cross post. If your son called you, would you have made the effort for him?

wishingforapositiveyear Thu 21-Nov-19 21:01:18

Is this a reverse? If not YABU she needed you and doesn't do this every day, you weren't there for her and went shopping. I'd be furious if I were her, you sound cold , and have been a shit mum. Your 60 year old husband is too tired to give his daughter emotional support , after working 2 days a week, what a crap pair you two are.

ShinyNewNameTime Thu 21-Nov-19 21:01:58

I’d say you’re completely in the wrong. I couldn’t imagine leaving my child distraught and heartbroken, and actively asking for your support because you want to go to look at a curtain the next day. She’s your daughter and I think both you and your dh have behaved appallingly. Really hoping this is a reverse.

Shockers Thu 21-Nov-19 21:02:23

I would’ve gone tbh. Age is irrelevant when you’re hurting.

Northernparent68 Thu 21-Nov-19 21:02:54

I can see why she’s upset, you can drive 45 mins to a store but not an hour to her house ?

WisestIsShe Thu 21-Nov-19 21:02:57

I'm with your daughter on this one.

Namechangeforthiscancershit Thu 21-Nov-19 21:02:59

And 60 is not old! I'm sure a lot of 60 year olds would be quite put out by being told that they're too tired to drive to their daughter's.

doritosdip Thu 21-Nov-19 21:03:05

You must be the daughter.

If not, you have a heart of stone. Being an adult woman doesn't mean that you don't want a friendly word and hug from your mum. How on earth is shopping for fabric a priority over your daughter? 🤯

OverByYer Thu 21-Nov-19 21:03:13

You chose fabric over supporting your daughter in a time of crisis. You sound very cold to me.
An hours drive isn’t that excessive for a 60 year old.
I’m with your daughter on this

Howlongtillbedtime Thu 21-Nov-19 21:03:14

Honestly if a friend had asked fur this support I would have given it .
If a child of mine whatever age had asked then I would have given it with bells on.

You had a boring weekend ahead.

It's not like you were due for a transplant or a god daughters wedding !!

LuckyBug89 Thu 21-Nov-19 21:03:19

I am 30 and going through a break up, I called my mum and she came over the next day, never mentioned if she had plans I had interrupted or anything. I have a DD and hope that if she ever needs me I would go to her rather then go fabric shopping.

I feel sorry for your DD, she clearly just wanted some support.

Sux2buthen Thu 21-Nov-19 21:03:24

If this isn't a reverse then I'm genuinely surprised that somebody could be so cold to their child in emotional pain. She wasn't even hinting, she directly asked for help.

ItsNovemberNotChristmas Thu 21-Nov-19 21:03:29

Jesus, you both sound like a couple of nasty, cold people. Sounds like your daughter was totally right

DianaT1969 Thu 21-Nov-19 21:03:43

What fabric did choose OP? Is it for anywhere special I'm your home? Oh, and how is your daughter?

EmmaWizard909 Thu 21-Nov-19 21:03:46

I already feel horrible about this which is why I have posted. It is a difficult situation because my DH is adamant that we are in the right.

I think at 30 I thought the fact we couldn’t come over with such little notice would have been respected by my daughter. We invited her to come to our house when we were home (mid afternoon) and had no reply from her. She has a car.

doritosdip Thu 21-Nov-19 21:03:58

If your h didn't want to go out you could have left him at home and gone to her house?

Aquamarine1029 Thu 21-Nov-19 21:04:05

If reaching out to you for emotional support is a rare thing, I think it's incredibly sad that you couldn't have taken one day to go be with your daughter. You chose fabric shopping over her and actually told her so. Unbelievable.

Turnedouttoes Thu 21-Nov-19 21:04:19

I feel very sorry for your daughter. I’m about her age and my parents would have been there in a heartbeat. My dad is almost 70 and works full time in a very demanding job and still drove 3 hours to bring me home when I was ill for a couple of days last summer.
Her reaction is quite strong but in her position I’d be devastated my parents couldn’t spare me a couple of hours when I was so upset.

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