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family troubles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(18 Posts)
lisa3x Mon 20-Aug-07 18:24:33

My niece told the family back in march that her (uncle) stepdad abused her.[shook]
Since then the family is not the same.
I and my other sister believe my niece but everyone else dose'nt.
My mum and dad (my nieces granparents) have made it quite clear they think she is a lier. my niece feels it is all her fault. Her mum (my sister)is still with him, which i can not understand!!!!!!!
My niece lives with me at the moment.
I said uncle stepdad at the begining because he is my nieces real dads brother.
My mum and dad think i should still talk to my sister but i feel i can't.
I can't believe she is still with him.

hertsnessex Mon 20-Aug-07 18:36:18

difficult situation - the only thing you can do is go with your gut instinct on this.

good lcuk.


lisa3x Mon 20-Aug-07 18:56:25

Thanks hertsnessex. The sister i said believed my niece is not my nieses mum i have two sisters.

helenelisabeth Mon 20-Aug-07 19:07:11

Lisa3x. how old is your niece? Your mum and dad are obviously in shock as well, hence the denial. I am sure deep down they have their doubts. Hope everyone goes okay. Good on you for supporting her.

lisa3x Mon 20-Aug-07 19:33:24

My niece is 16 years old. The thing is my mum and dad did'nt get on with my sister's husband before this came out and now it's like he does no wrong, my niece can't believe they think she is a lier.
Before all this came out my niece was a good girl she never done any wrong, she always done as she was told.
My sister her mum did'nt let her do anything, like go out with her friends, so that's why they all think she is rebelling.
But that's not the case at all they just don't believe her.
My niece is not an evil person to come out with something like this and it not to be true.

ally90 Mon 20-Aug-07 20:58:55

An adult's primary duty is to protect their young, no matter what they say, no matter how hard, they need the most protection. Your sister is not acting as a mother but as a self absorbed individual protecting her own interests. Your parents should also be protecting the most vunerable members of the family, not sticking up for your sister and her ex p's brother. What are they thinking?!?! I cannot imagine how hard this situation is for all of them, but sticking their heads in the sand is not doing anything for your neice and she needs them to be adults and protect her at this time. To me that is a betrayal of her trust in her mother and grandparents. Lets not go into the betrayal by her dads brother, her own uncle.

Has councelling been suggested? I cannot imagine how your neice is feeling, maybe too embarresed to go to GP, to take it further thro courts? I don't know the best path to take there, but I think some psychological help would support her with her feeling its all her fault.

I think you and your (other) sister are doing the right thing, standing by your neice. And if I were you I would seriously be thinking of separating from your family temporarily, I can only imagine what your neice feels at every snub and look and comment that is made by the people who should love, trust and respect her the most.

ally90 Mon 20-Aug-07 21:00:36

oops that read wrong! I meant she could be helped through the feeling of it being all her fault which obviously, it isn't!

helenelisabeth Mon 20-Aug-07 21:05:40

Lisa the only thing I can say that at least she has support from you which will help her a lot. Shame on your mum and dad though. Are you surprised they have taken his side? Maybe the thought of abuse is too dreadful for them to admit to and they are brushing it under the carpet by denying it?

Pages Mon 20-Aug-07 21:22:15

Totally agree with Ally, and good on you for standing up for your niece. At 16 she is still a child and deserves the support and protection of the adults that she trusts. To allow that trust to be abused, and to abuse it further by turning the tables on her and making it her fault is disgusting behaviour. Your sister has a lot to answer for and I don't blame you for not talking to her. Children always blame themsleves and I agree some counselling would help. The police would help with that if you felt she could cope with contacting the Child Protection team and possibly going ahead with a prosecution.

lisa3x Mon 20-Aug-07 21:37:38

ally90 my sister achly married her exps brother.her exp died before my niece was born. my sister did'nt get with his brother until my niece was 5 years old.

lisa3x Mon 20-Aug-07 22:16:03

Yes coucelling is being done and the police are involed.
But because of her age it is difficult for any evedence, hopefully he will get punished for what he has done.
I totally agree with keeping away from the family, but somewhere along the way they think if i did'nt take her in then everythink would be ok.
My mum, dad and sister think i have taken her away from them but i can't understand them when i have only been there for her, when they keep calling her a lier.
I feel she has been very brave in all this i put my hands up to her.

lisa3x Mon 20-Aug-07 22:18:48

I would just like to thank everyone who has wrote in.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

lisa3x Mon 20-Aug-07 22:35:39

Yes i am very surprised my parents have acted like this.
See they never realy liked him because of his attitude, he has always been creepy and he tell so many lies, that is why i am very surprised they have took his side in all of this.
My niece is a very nice person, she has never lied in her life.
That is what i find very strange.
Hopefully she will get though this and come out the other end and show them all!!!!!!!!!
She has just sat all her gcses.
Well done to her.!!!!!!!!!!
Like i said to her now she is with me the only way is up, at the end of the day she has done nothing wrong. But told the truth.

ally90 Tue 21-Aug-07 07:21:48

Sounding all good so far with councelling and police involved! So the family situation is the main issue now (if only I listened better!). And sorry for making assumptions about your sister marrying her deceased h brother...that'll teach me to jump to conclusions! Must have been a hard and traumatic situation. Very strange for your neice tho .

Families often cover up, and stopping your niece going out with friends is classic behaviour. If she went out she would see how other more 'average' families interacted. When I had a 'realisation' about my family at 16 (emotional abuse) I was told it was teenage 16

The family think everything would be alright if you just admit your neice is lying because if you don't talk about it and cover up, the situation doesn't exist. Apperances count, because if this gets out...well they would not be normal would they? Try this book 'how to divorce a parent' by beverly engel. Its not totally about divorce, it includes separation and reconciliation too. Divorce is seen as the final thing to do with a family who you cannot be around anymore. I found this book helpful for me as it details the different types of family, all the different types of abuse under even emotional abuse. It also has a specialied section on sexual abuse. It helps to read it and read that what you experienced IS abuse and it also goes thro the responses you can expect from abusive parents/relatives when you confront the abuse. And ignoring it is one of them!

There is also a looooonnnnnggggg thread called 'My mother has cut me out of her life' on here. It may help your niece to read it. We have all been abused in some way (emotional/physical/sexual) by our mothers/dads/stepdads/siblings/other family and in some cases it details the stories, our families response to our coming out with the truth...they generally have a bad your neices family. Some get very abusive, some just shut down all contact...all deny anything ever happened...may give your neice some strength to know she's not alone in her abuse and her mothers/gp desertion of her.

Anyway congrats on your neice doing her GCSE's, hope she gets what she wants from them. And you and your sister are still brilliant for standing up for what is right!

ally90 Tue 21-Aug-07 07:31:44

and not forgetting to say your neice is incrediably strong for telling the truth and standing up to her family. I wish I had had the strength of character to do that at 16. I also agree with 'the only way is up' (wasn't that Yazz in the late 80's?). I feel the sooner the councelling begins, the better. I had years of suppressing my feelings at great cost, now I just can't feel anything anymore. She can get by this, it will always be there but she is obviously emotionally healthy enough to know what happened was not okay, and to take it much further, to get away from the situation and take it to the police and get councelling. This in itself shows her emotional intelligence is way above that of her family, which sets her a world apart from them. And right now she will probably feel a world apart. How can they say she's lying when she's talking the truth?

okay...going now...keep posting.


lisa3x Tue 21-Aug-07 15:51:28

Thanks for all your help and understanding ally.
Hopefully my niece will see that some familys are strange like ours.
I will read that book how to divorce a parant, I just can't understand my family's attitude.
I was brought up (so i though) to know the diffrence between right and wrong.

Pages Tue 21-Aug-07 21:12:17

Also there is abook called "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward which deals with all sorts of abuse but specifically has a whole chapter on sexual abuse and how to deal with the family's denial that it happened (an unfortunately common response).

lisa3x Wed 22-Aug-07 16:32:43

Thanks, any thing you think might help will be good. I will get these book's and read them.

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