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do you live with a man who is not the natural father of your children? I have a few questions please.

9 replies

ShakeysGirl · 20/08/2007 18:10

I have been with my partner for 9 months now and recently we have started living together. I already have 2 young children from a previous relationship and their father is still a huge part of their lives. He is a good dad and role model for them and I wouldnt want it any other way.

I have a few questions as to how things work regarding the children when you live with someone who is not their father, for example, should I expect him to help out with them? How involved with their lives should I expect him to be?

And also im finding myself feeling occassionally resentful that when we are invited to a party or whatever, he can go and I cant because I dont have a babysitter. I find myself thinking that we should stay in together if we cant both go but then realising that my children are my responsibility and not his - but should they be now?

This is my first relationship since splitting with there dad, I think you can tell

TIA

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Wisteria · 20/08/2007 18:17

I do!
My dp is super, helps out loads and my dds have a very involved Dad too.
I let him take on what he wanted to, as and when he and they wanted it. Nothing can be predicted, forced or preplanned IME. Let your dcs decide for themselves too and never ever try to coerce them into hugs and kisses with him - they have a Dad already but he will hopefully become something almost as good. My dds have grown to love my dp but as a friend, not a Dad.

You come as a package, he probably realises that already and so he will need to be involved with your dcs if he wants the whole of you IYSWIM.

Good luck to all of you x I hope it goes as well for you as it has for me

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me23 · 20/08/2007 18:22

I'm with someone who isn't dds father, although my situation is a bit different to yours as her dad has never been involved in her life.

I have a partner who I have only been with for 5 months. I have never said I expect anything from him regarding dd, but he interacts with her all the time and he helps with bedtimes, bathtimes everything really he has totally embraced being with us. he understands that in being with me then dd wuill be a big opart of our lives.

like you I also don't get to go out much and he understands that (my previous boyf didn't he wanted us to go out partying all the time and it just wasn't possible but alas he was a prat lol)

recently my cousin has started babysitting for me once every two weeks so we go out to restaurants usually.

dp does go out on his own though with his friends but not loads he would rather stay in with me.

I guess what I'm saying is in my situation I didn't force anything with him, it just fell into place naturally.

how is your partner with your child?
does he get involved?

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studentmum1 · 20/08/2007 18:27

My dp is not dd's dad, she's 2.5 and he's been around since she was 8 weeks old, we moved in together when she was 1. She still sees her dad but only one day a week. My dp does everything for her, she actually calls him daddy and has done since she was 1. I would never let her do that if i didn't know i was positive i was going to spend the rest of our lives together.
My dp would arrange for a babysitter or not go if we were invitd out, we are a family now and we are a package.
I kind of felt a bit odd in the first year because i didn't want to force him to change nappies or sort her dinner out but in his own time he felt confident enough to do it without asking me if it was ok!! time will sort it out, thats all xxx

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ShakeysGirl · 20/08/2007 18:30

Hes really great with them and they adore him. Initally it felt like everyone was against us being together as he was a 'player' when we met and admitted that if he had known I had children when we first went out that he wouldnt have gotten involved. His mom also gave him a tough time over being with a single parent. We recently introduced the kids to her and she was great with them but I struggle to see how she will be long term with them.

He does do alot for the kids like getting them breakfast or putting them to bed but part of me thinks that at the moment its the novelty factor and when hes been doing it for a while he'll get a bit fed up of the whole thing.

As for the going out we have the same circle of friends so I miss out alot on nights out because I am the only one with children so I get a bit jealous

I think I get resentful that he can just switch being a parent on and off as he pleases and I cant. I feel awful for thinking that as he is so great with them.

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littledetails · 20/08/2007 20:34

I get the inpression you are both young and if so I think its a bit difficult for a younger man to feel tied down. However I do think that if you live together he does need to act like hes part of the family and things should be done and disscused together.

Im in the same situation but were in our late thirties and early forties and its not an issue.

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Wisteria · 20/08/2007 21:08

My dp is 5 yrs younger than I am, none of his friends have dcs either, they're only just getting married. At first I felt similarly to you but soon realised that we could go to things together when my dds were at their Dads and the times they were with me and I couldn't go out became special times for the three of us (also quite important for your dcs to know they still have their Mum to themselves now and again I think).
I think that he also needed/ needs (although the frequency has lessened) these times away from us and to be with his friends on his own too. It is quite hard to take on other people's children and we all need some time out now and again.

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mamazon · 20/08/2007 21:12

i think you need to sit down and discuss some ground rules with yrou DP.

decide before you move in how it will all work. he may not want to get involved with things like discipline but want to go to teh park as a family or whatever. talk through what happens about parties and babysitters etc.

it is best to iron out what you both want. there is no point expecting him to do something if he doesn't realise you want him to iyswim

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WideWebWitch · 20/08/2007 21:21

I can tell you how it worked for me. I had ds, who was 2, when I met new partner. We have now been together 8yrs and have a dd who is nearly 4.

Initially when we moved in together I thought the responsibility for ds should be mine alone. After a while I decided no, if we were in a committed relationship then he needed to accept me, accept my son and BE INVOLVED or bugger off. So get involved he did. He said the other day that he remembered when the twin towers happened he was in a soft play placwe with ds while I worked. We moved in together after 6 months and within a few months he was taking equal responsibility.

so if he's living with you then

YES he shoudl be involved with them and he should help. If he's important enough to live with them and share tneir lives then he DEFINITELY needs to take some responsbility too, in agreement with you.
It doesn't negate anythnig your ex does of course. My ex dh is here a lot and he and dh get on well - just because ex is around doesn't mean dh can't get involved as he's the one who lives here and has day to day responsibility. they do get on well thogh.