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How do reconcile what I want with ruining dh’s life?

(78 Posts)
Waitingforwednesday Mon 18-Nov-19 19:54:42

I want to leave. I want to end my marriage. I’ve two primary aged children and I know it should be enough to make me stay but it’s not.
There are many small things that make me want out but really, in many ways it’s never been right from my point of view.
However for dh - this is it. I am it. He loves me.
Part of me feels I should stay in the marriage (married 17 years) just because of that. I care about him but I don’t want to be married to him anymore. How do I reconcile that with ruining his life and maybe the lives of my children? I feel so guilty all the time that I feel this way.
These are my reasons for wanting out:
We don’t have sex. Like three times in four years.
We do nothing together as a couple and very little as a family.
Dh does what he wants of a weekend and it rarely involves us.
He’s borderline financially abusive.
We have nothing in common. The evenings are spent basically in silence with him watching whatever he wants on the tv - because it’s his tv - and me just sitting there.
He is deeply suspicious of me. He tells me I look ‘too nice to go out without him’ and says things like ‘you look a bit too nice to be going to the shop. Where are you really going?’
He tells me I’m his and im never allowed to leave him. Asks me how much I love him and whatever I say it’s never enough - and it feels false too.
He has a temper. He will be beyond livid if I leave him.

There’s no one major thing. He’s not a terrible person. I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. I feel like it’s him or me. Either he can be happy or I get a chance at being happy.

Apparentlychilled Mon 18-Nov-19 19:58:12

Erm, just from your post, I think there are plenty of reasons to leave. But even if there were none of the things listed above, you're allowed to leave. You deserve to be happy and to show your children what that looks like.

PolloDePrimavera Mon 18-Nov-19 19:58:30

Oh no I'm so sorry. When you say he has a temper, how do you think that would manifest itself? If you were to leave...

Karwomannghia Mon 18-Nov-19 19:59:03

You say he loves you but his behaviour doesn’t reflect that, he doesn’t want to spend any time with you. It sounds more like he wants to control you and knows you want to leave.

wildcherries Mon 18-Nov-19 20:01:52

That's not love. It's obsession and control. I hope you do leave. Can't be a nice environment for your children either.

Loopytiles Mon 18-Nov-19 20:01:59

Your reasons for leaving far outweigh the likely downsides. He had choices about how to treat you, for many years.

Having DC is a further reason to leave, not stay!

BlackSwanGreen Mon 18-Nov-19 20:02:34

He sees you as a possession OP. That's why he doesn't want you to leave.

When I started reading I thought you were going to say you can't bring yourself to hurt him because he's such a nice guy - but even then, it's up to you who to be married to. But in fact he sounds horrific. Why are you worried about ruining his life? He's awful to you.

Thingsdogetbetter Mon 18-Nov-19 20:03:47

He sounds like a bloody terrible person to me!! He's controlling (his tv ffs), basically accuses you of cheating, financially abusive, treats you like a possession, totally disengaged from family life (ypur dc are being continually rejected by him) and has a temper. What's not terrible about him?

He's already ruined your life so far, he's ruined your marraige and i can't see how he can't be ruining your dc's childhood. He's too bloody selfish for you to ruin his life. He'll wail and say you have, but only to hurt you. Then he'll move on to ruin some other poor woman's life. He'll be fine!

BarbedBloom Mon 18-Nov-19 20:03:55

I was expecting small things when I started your list, instead there are quite a few very compelling reasons to leave.

tenredthings Mon 18-Nov-19 20:04:24

He doesn't sound like a nice guy, he sounds controlling and emotionally abusive.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 18-Nov-19 20:05:45

*He is deeply suspicious of me. He tells me I look ‘too nice to go out without him’ and says things like ‘you look a bit too nice to be going to the shop. Where are you really going?’
He tells me I’m his and im never allowed to leave him. Asks me how much I love him and whatever I say it’s never enough - and it feels false too.
He has a temper. He will be beyond livid if I leave him.*

There’s no one major thing. He’s not a terrible person.

I hate to be the one to inform you, but he is very much a terrible person. Just the examples you gave above are more than enough reasons to get out of such an abusive marriage.

Run for your life.

RandomMess Mon 18-Nov-19 20:06:06

He doesn't love you!!!

Read the corothinians passage in the bible about love (nowt to do with being religious) it explains so clearly what love REALLY is.

HundredMilesAnHour Mon 18-Nov-19 20:06:45

There’s no one major thing.

That sounds like a LOT of major things. Each thing you've listed I consider major. How have you put up with this for so long?!

Please follow your heart and leave him. You deserve some happiness.

egontoste Mon 18-Nov-19 20:07:30

Either he can be happy or I get a chance at being happy
At the moment he is happy when he is making you miserable. The choice is yours.

He tells me I'm his
You are a human being, not a possession.

He's not a terrible person
From what you have written, I can see no redeeming qualities in him whatever.

Etinox Mon 18-Nov-19 20:08:46

Before you described him I was thinking poor bloke. But as I read your description I was really shocked. He’s not a good man. He’s abusive.

KatharinaRosalie Mon 18-Nov-19 20:09:05

So ..how have you concluded he loves you? Certainly does not sound like it..

AFistfulofDolores1 Mon 18-Nov-19 20:09:27

You cannot "ruin" another adult's life by leaving them. If you think you can, then you're not in an adult relationship - and you're certainly not in a relationship with another adult.

Do what you need to do, and leave your grown-up husband to deal with the consequences of your (very sane-sounding) decision himself.

UnicornsExist Mon 18-Nov-19 20:12:40

You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness except maybe your children's.
You are responsible for your own happiness.
Your children will ultimately be happiest if they are not brought up in a home where their parents live together in what is an abusive relationship.
You are not obliged to stay in a relationship you no longer wish to be in.
If making yourself happy means that you need to end your marriage, then so be it.
Your H's unhappiness will only be as a consequence of his own actions.
LTB.

MadeForThis Mon 18-Nov-19 20:14:11

He has programmed you to but his needs and feelings first. Break that habit. Leave.

Ugzbugz Mon 18-Nov-19 20:20:02

He sounds Awful, if anything leave for your children's sake so they dont see the venomous behaviour as history often repeats itself. You need to leave.

category12 Mon 18-Nov-19 20:20:43

Um, love, he's controlling, this is coercive control.

You need to leave. This isn't right.

SmallAndFarAway Mon 18-Nov-19 20:24:37

Well, he doesn't give a shit about keeping you happy, so why would you sacrifice your own happiness for his?

XJerseyGirlX Mon 18-Nov-19 20:29:34

I've left my ex three years ago with my then 5 year old dd. He wasn't a bad guy , like you I just didn't want to be with him anymore.
Op , you have to adopt the attitude that you both only have 1 life. You are responsible for your own happiness. Don't waste yours and don't waste his.
It will hurt , him and you .. and yes maybe your dc temporarily. But sometimes change hurts and as long as you treat the situation respectfully then you will get over it sooner and have your peace of mind back ( guilt free ).
Make plans , leave and don't look back. 3 months ago I married an amazing man and am so glad I was brave enough to change things. My ex is fine too , I thought he would wallow but he didn't and I didn't feel guilty anymore.
I just kept telling myself the 3 things below :

Be brave
Change hurts
You both only have 1 life ( you and your dh)

FrancesHaHa Mon 18-Nov-19 20:31:19

I really think you should get some advice from a local DV service if you're planning to leave. If he views you as a possession and you leave him it will be a loss of control for him and the situation is highly likely to escalate.

You can call the DV helpline or look on your local council web pages to find a local service. Please cover your tracks though and delete any numbers/ search history.

You and your children deserve to be happy, it's not for you to have to provide his happiness

XJerseyGirlX Mon 18-Nov-19 20:32:48

Op , I just wanted to add.. he doesn't sound like a nice man tbh. My ex did none of those things to me, I just fell out of love with him.

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