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Not sure DH is the man I married (LOOOONNNGGG)

(87 Posts)
Meeely2 Mon 20-Aug-07 09:58:47

for those of you who hate those self pitying posts with wimpering wives asking how it got like this,,, look away now.....

DH and I had a well deserved weekend off this weekend. Packed boys off to Nanny's for the weekend and prepared for much sleeping and much laziness!

I dropped them off (200 mile round trip but worth it) and joined DH in pub upon my return. Already been drinking which I was prepared for, so no surprises. He was very affectionate and touchy feely (not my DH at all) and then decides in a quiet moment to tell me he'd been naughty and taken cocaine!

After huge deep breath so as not to make a scene in public i reply with oh really? He looks very pleased with himself and says yes, he has more, would I like some! In a firm but not dramatic way I refuse (I have NEVER touched drugs in my life and I not going to start at 31)

Anyway, subject diverted we have our evening out with me constantly thinking all the affection and puppy dog eyes are not real they are drug induced. We get home and he starts on again, am I sure I don't want any? Now I'm not sure how Cocaine affects people so I didn't get all confrontational incase he got angry (he is a very volatile person). I refuse, so what does he do.....snorts some off my kitchen worktop, in front of me. Says he wanted me to see so I could be involved, like we some sort or secret gang.

Anyway after I made my feelings completely clear, much tears and 'how could you'....he was very sorry and flushed the rest down the loo. He was then like the man I always wanted him to be - this is the strange part and this could be normal for cocaine takers as i really don't know.

He talked to me, like REALLY talked to me, we discussed the boys and how we have issues with one of them - he supported me, understood my issues, told me how much he loved me even though he doesn't always show it. Felt like we bonded, but all the time I'm thinking 'drugs, drugs'.

Then yesterday, boys come home, they both kick off as they want to go back to nannys, so I get a bit weepy cos neither want to see me and i feel rejected (yes ok, stupid and needy of me), but he flips tells me to pull myself together and stop being so pathetic.

This morning, Arthur was playing with a plug and while i turned me back, ended up snapping the earth pin off in the plug socket. So i tell him off, he cries - dh wades in and tells me to stop picking on him, always on at him. I ask him if he remembers Friday and what we spoke about regarding Arthur....he tells me to fook off and stop going on at him, he then takes both kids in or bedroom to watch telly and admittedly makes a good job of calming them down, but i know he's thinking 'ha, stupid witch, look at me being the better parent' all about one-up-man-ship.

So anyway, my point is, sunday and this morning is what i would normally expect from him, miserable moody angry. On Friday is how I WANT him to be, SANS drugs....he said on friday that with the drugs his inhibitions have gone so he is more open....so does that mean - he does have strong feelings for me but just finds it easier to shout? or is he just talking bollox and I should have been out the door on Saturday morning?

Anniegetyourgun Mon 20-Aug-07 10:11:55

I have no experience of this but - cocaine? In your own house? I couldn't stand that, I really couldn't. Even if you don't believe it's really bad stuff, it's illegal ffs. Great father he'd look if the police turned up on the doorstep.

Sounds like you're both currently under pressure, but he's chosen an unacceptable way to relieve his. I don't believe it's making him into a better person. More likely the moody miserable sod is what drugs have done to the real him in between times. I wonder how long it's really been going on.

kitsandbits Mon 20-Aug-07 10:21:07

If my DP ever told me he took ocainhe'd be straight out the house!

Seems odd that you say you are so against it , yet he does a line on your worktop and proceed to have a nice long chat about your kids?

He'd straight out the door on his arse!

niceglasses Mon 20-Aug-07 10:24:57

Did you establish if the coke is a regular thing?

largeginandtonic Mon 20-Aug-07 10:26:58

Poor you my lovely. Im afraid i would be inclined to agree with Annie, i dont expect it it his first time and the moody shouting man is probably drug induced.

I dont really know what to say other than confront him and ask out right. Not sure what i would do myself so dont feel i can give you advice. Lots of love and hugs though and i hope he is honest with you.

Meeely2 Mon 20-Aug-07 10:28:16

i know he has done it in the past yes, but never in my view and never in the house.

Of course this morning i did the 'wish you were a proper coke head cos you were much nicer on friday' to which i got back 'you wonder why i do it when you act like this....'

Over me thinks yes?

In reply to the i am very against it yet he did it on the work top - i was so shocked i didn't know what to do and then due to the 6 years of the miserable bastard i'm used to, when he suddenly wasn't i wanted to enjoy it....told you it was one of those hard done by wimpering wife posts.....

kitsandbits Mon 20-Aug-07 10:32:09

'i wish you were a proper coke head'

policywonk Mon 20-Aug-07 10:33:34

Having taken cocaine myself in the past, I can tell you that it makes you want to talk about anything and everything. I'm afraid I'd agree with your interpretation of his mood as drug-induced. The next day, he was having a comedown, which tends to induce bad temper. I'd say all of the behaviour you describe is drug-related.

Meeely2 Mon 20-Aug-07 10:37:26

kits - i was trying the shock tactic - you WERE a nice bloke on drugs - you are a w*nker without.....maybe to try and make him see what he's doing

thanks policy - having never taken it i just couldn't understand why he would take it at home just before we were going to bed? wot a waste.

drugs are wrong and always have been in my eyes, but that argument gets a 'you are a prude' response. Apparently it would make me a better parent if i took it as i will understand when the boys are older and asking questions!!!!!!! WHAT PLANET IS HE ON???? I am reading back and thinking I sound like the biggest doormat going?

policywonk Mon 20-Aug-07 10:40:52

He might have been hoping that you would take some too, and then you'd both stay up all night talking shite on coke and having bad coke-sex. (Just a guess.)

It sounds as though he really likes doing it, and wants to get you to do it occasionally too, possibly so that he feels less guilty about his own habit?

Meeely2 Mon 20-Aug-07 10:44:11

that was my thought too, share the blame so that i don't have the moral high ground.

we didn't go to bed til 6am, wouldn't shut up....was fine saturday (tired and quiet, but so was i, had lots to think about), but it was sunday when he went back to short tempered, non-understanding reality.....

niceglasses Mon 20-Aug-07 10:44:40

I don't have masses of experience, but have taken coke maybe 3 times in my whole life. Am 40. Would take it again for a very special occasion.

I think you need to establish to what extent he takes it. I might take it once every 18 months. I'm not an addict in any way.

I think maybe there are 2 issues here - the coke, and the more general state of your marraige.

Sorry if I'm wrong.

Meeely2 Mon 20-Aug-07 11:03:41

site crashed, and i had written a long post! so heres the concise version.

Special occasion i could stomach, but at home, on the kitchen work top where i prepare kids food?

I thought the marriage was ok - had accepted he was a miserable fooker, always has been. But then I saw the alternative on friday.....thought wouldn't it be nice if he was doing that with no chemical help.

Now thinking I prefer that to what i got....i like to talk, i like to be listened to and understood......

hls Mon 20-Aug-07 11:35:30

I can't give you much advice except this- I work as a type of counsellor and one of my ex clients had experienced a husband who took drugs, long-term.

Her experience was that she supported him by going to drug clinics to get off drugs - it was obviously affecting their relationship and they had kids.

The advice of the rehab place was that she had to leave him to come off them on his own- and that she should not get involved. They said it is a mistake for wives etc to get involved thinking that they can help- as it never works.

I worked with her on other issues and in the end she was a stronger person, which resulted in her leaving him.

My advice to you would be try to persuade your husband to get help tokick the drug taking- he sounds as if he could be helped by counselling, psychotherapy or drug counselling. If he won't go, then it becomes your choice whether you stay with him. You need to put your children and yourself first- and if his moods and behaviour are drug induced, can you out up with that long term?

Meeely2 Mon 20-Aug-07 12:05:07

thanks hls - good advice

I don't think his bad moods are drug induced, i think THEY are normal....BUT because of friday and seeing what the nice DH could be like has made me think do i want the miserable one anymore? I know i can't have the nice one without the drugs, so do I leave? Cos if he stops with the drugs, which tbh i very much doubt it's often, then I will never see the nice DH again, so will be stuck with miserable short tempered man who critises everything i do......

hls Mon 20-Aug-07 13:04:55

You have some deep soul-searching to do.

It might help to talk it all over with an impartial counsellor, who will help you make such a decision. It is quite likely that he is very unhappy too and that his drug taking is a means of escapism- surely that's what all drug taking is anyway? Sounds like he needs help to sort out his own issues before he can succeed in a relationship.

Have things gone too far or could you contemplate couples counselling?

Meeely2 Mon 20-Aug-07 13:09:57

i am actually attending CBT for myself - anger control.....but am now thinking is my anger ALL my fault or has 6 years of being with a miserable fooker taken it's toll?

Yes he does have issues and yes drug taking is escapism, but still not justifiable IMO.

Soul searching has started believe me - off to my sisters this weekend (200 miles away) as he is off to the Leeds festival and yes that does mean LOADS more drug taking.....sigh

hls Mon 20-Aug-07 13:25:36

I think you have answered your own question! Yes, you are angry, but what is the trigger for that anger? If it is feeling constantly frustrated by your marriage and not being treated well, then that's what needs to be sorted- and mabe the anger will then sort itself out?
I agree- his issues are not an excuse for drug taking- they are an escapism from the reality of his life and he is refusing to take responsibility for those- including you and your kids.

Meeely2 Mon 20-Aug-07 13:36:47

i don't understand why me and the kids don't bring him joy?

In nice bloke mode on Friday he told me that the boys make him the happiest he's ever been, so I am even more confused than ever, why would that mean he fancied having some nose sherbert just to spend the evening in with his missus?

tripletsandtwins Mon 20-Aug-07 15:12:59

meeely, I don't have any experience with drug-taking personally, however my cousin was married to a man who did heroin, she wasn't particularly happy with the relationship, but she kept going with it because they had a little girl, and he never did anything in front of her, and he was a great dad.

Anyway, she got in the car with him one night, and he had been doing heroin again and they were in a huge accident and she was in hospital for a while...while she was in hospital he met another girl, and told her to leave him, so she did, and him telling her to leave was the biggest favour he has ever done for her. She is much happier on her own looking after her dd.

The meaning of that long-winded tale is that you could be much happier without him, you just need to jump into the deep end I suppose. Your first priority is to your kids and yourself...not him. I wish I could make this better for you

Meeely2 Mon 20-Aug-07 15:20:22

i just feel so let down.....

I didn't shout at him at the time, just kinda did my doormat routine (it's your choice, do what you want....hoping he'd make the RIGHT decision - silly me), then next thing i hear the snorting noise from the kitchen - oh god i feel sick thinking about it.

i just don't even know where to start regarding leaving him....i mean now i have a real reason, he been miserable for years but never really seen that as an excuse to go, now i have an excuse i not actually sure what i do?

I can't pre-warn him he'd go nuts and doing something stupid like run away with the boys (threatened to do that everytime i have threatened to leave).....i have no one to stay with locally so that i can still go to work while i decide what to do....he won't leave (don't try and say but he has to, you haven't met the bloke - under duress he is the most unreasonable, irrational, angry, violent man i know)....so i feel kinda trapped.....

Mommalove Mon 20-Aug-07 16:25:59

Message withdrawn

CountessDracula Mon 20-Aug-07 16:28:06

IME people talk crap when they are on coke
They love the sound of their own voice

Then grumpiness ensues the following week

have you asked him if it is areguylar thing?

Meeely2 Mon 20-Aug-07 16:31:43

thanks Mommalove.

I have a plan to maybe call his mum or sister on this one - they know how the real DH is and may be able to advise on how to leave the least traumatic way. (yes i know strange, Inlaws helping you leave their son/brother, but they know what he's like, if they know he's been taking drugs too, i know they will support me all the way). In fact his brother is a policeman, maybe i could get him to scare him......

Mommalove Mon 20-Aug-07 16:46:04

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