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I've just seen his wedding pictures

(50 Posts)
PurpleFrames Sun 17-Nov-19 00:45:51

Yeah that's basically it.
I've seen the wedding pictures of him and the new wife.

There's a three month gap (if that) between us.

Any advice on not feeling like I'm smashed into tiny pieces?

AlternativePerspective Mon 18-Nov-19 22:40:59

OP he’s not ill he’s sick and there is a difference.

I am so sorry about the loss of your baby, but if I dare suggest it, the plus side is at least you don’t have a baby together, which means he won’t maintain control of you and in time you can cut him off completely and he never need have existed.

As for love, I suspect you don’t love him but that you love who he was when you got together, and the things about you that made you fall in love with him in the first place. Bear in mind that if he had been who he really is from the outset you wouldn’t have gone near him, so he is to blame for lulling you into a false sense of security.

You say you were together for seven years and that you were only sixteen when you got together? So by my reckoning you’re only 23 now. You’re still in the early days of being able to have children, and in time you will see that.

FabbyChix Mon 18-Nov-19 22:35:46

I tried to message sorry. He is gone your allowed now to stop thinking without him your lost. Learn to live doing stuff you couldnt. He made you believe you was nothng without him your struggling alone. Believe in yourself

cakeandchampagne Mon 18-Nov-19 22:28:04

Did they think you should be “over” it all now?

FabbyChix Mon 18-Nov-19 22:27:19

Men move on fast sadly they never change who he wAs with you is who she will see

PurpleFrames Mon 18-Nov-19 22:23:30

I spoke to someone IRL about this today and feel more shitty than when I first wrote this post. I struggle with suicidal thoughts the best of times and I just think I could do without this right now.

Sandals19 Mon 18-Nov-19 18:07:29

Have you read "why does he do that, inside the minds of angry & controlling men" ?

A lot of people find it excellent. Esp the abuser profiles.

Sandals19 Mon 18-Nov-19 18:05:40

*has the capacity

Sandals19 Mon 18-Nov-19 18:05:11

but I also feel like it's not true.. that there's a certain level of self he reserved just to punish me

Things can be complex but I dont believe . that. If his "issues" are such that he'd beat his pregnant partner and it was one of a string of assaults .. he had the capacity to do it again.

Crazybunnylady123 Mon 18-Nov-19 12:51:36

Op I know how you feel and the only thing that will heal you is time. I was only with my ex for 2 and a half years and he treated me horrendously, but I loved him so deeply and fought to keep the bastard, cried over him for months. I was so young at the time and I felt my life had ended. But actually I hooked up with one of his college mates in the end. Never noticed him before, just went round to watch a movie with him and omg! Wow! So gorgeous. Treated me so well and then it really hit home how bad my ex was. It’s about 16 years on now and we have a house, a beautiful dd and another baby on the way. Planning our wedding in the next year or so. Be excited! You don’t know who your going to meet!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Mon 18-Nov-19 09:16:36

I'm so sorry OP.

You can heal from this horrible abusive relationship, and move on to find more healthy ones and find someone worthy of being the father to your DC, if that's what you want.

I totally get how you feel - I accidentally found out my ex had remarried and even though I hate the twat it was like being punched in the stomach.

Did his new wife come up on "friends of friends" because you've got his DC on FB? When I split with ex I removed his DC and sent them a group message that said along the lines of "I'm sorry all but I'm going to have to remove your from my friends list, as the split with your dad is just making it too painful. I wish all of you the very best. I'm glad to have been in your lives and I know you'll all go on to be very successful in the future"

If he doesn't have DC then adapt this as necessary for the mutual friends!

PurpleFrames Mon 18-Nov-19 06:51:33

Sorry I don't know why most of that's in bold I didn't want it to be

PurpleFrames Mon 18-Nov-19 06:50:52

@MrsChanningTatum I hope you are doing better now x

"U are still mourning the ideal you had in your head."
That is so true @Startingoveragain1

I know it's a bit weird but I physically can't picture myself being in bed with another man. Like there's a total block. I'm desperate to have children. But some of the sexual things I'm not sure I can come back from. Especially when compounded with sexual abuse in my childhood. I didn't even think about it as rape until the WAid woman said so.

@category12 I meant when I searched on that sight for my area it says you have to contact women's aid. I don't feel they were hugely helpful to me tbh and just withdrew support very suddenly.

"Sadly she will become his punch bag."
I really don't want that @isitxmasyet but I also feel like it's not true.. that there's a certain level of self he reserved just to punish me. I don't want him to be sad forever I want him to get better i really do..

isitxmasyet Sun 17-Nov-19 21:55:39

He will have loved you but his form of love is one you can do without.

He has moved on so quickly so as to validate in his mind that he is absolutely fine and you got rid of him because you are wrong not him. It will have hurt him that you saw who he was. You are a strong woman.

Be very very sure that neither he or she has a good future. Sadly she will become his punch bag. He will keep finding other women to abuse until he is sad and alone.

Block him and her and hide posts from mutual friends.

Work on loving yourself and recognising how amazing you are for having the guts and strength to refund your future.

Travel, laugh, seek warmth and good people and in all likelihood you will find love and if you are aware of yourself then this time it will
be the right love.

I’m so very sorry about your precious baby.

No person who does that to someone can ever truly be happy. He has that blood on his hands forever.

category12 Sun 17-Nov-19 21:45:48

I'm not sure I understand the connection you're making. The Freedom Programme is something you can self-refer to as far as I'm aware, and deciding to discharge yourself shouldn't be a barrier

Startingoveragain1 Sun 17-Nov-19 21:30:34

Babe... its gonna shock u... but really... fucking good luck to her and all our sad feelings to her. We are all happy for you he has turned the page. You are free, free to be yourself, free to find your one, free to make a family with someone that will push u forward and spoil you and always have your best interests at heart. Also, you are free to pursue a family(kids) by urself. Or not. U literally are free to live ur life. And god bless the new woman. U are still mourning the ideal you had in your head. Allow yourself to do so, thats ok, and then, move on. You have a bright future ahead!

MrsChanningTatum Sun 17-Nov-19 20:28:06

Oh god, similar thing happened to me. The man was/is a raging narcissist!
I blocked him and felt so much better.
Keep yourself busy doing healthy things and try to move on. It is hard though. My heart goes out to you.

PurpleFrames Sun 17-Nov-19 20:07:49

@BloodyHateBeingAWoman thank you, I can understand that works the same way affirmations people say do..

@category12 and others- I'm not sure I can do the freedom programme. I had an IDVA when we first separated but they discharged me because I didn't want them to put window locks on the new place I moved into or take him to court.

@lexiepuppy I don't feel bad towards her or envious, just the situation. Guess the time makes me feel like he never cared.

lexiepuppy Sun 17-Nov-19 18:48:45

Your ex has married her quickly so she doesn’t realise what she has married.

If he is violent enough to make you lose your baby, he will end up , sadly, doing the same to her.

I am sorry you lost your baby and I hope in time you can trust someone enough to meet someone special and have a little one.

Do the freedom course.

Read the book Lundy Bancroft- Why does he do that.

Abusers need to really work on themselves to change, but the majority don’t think it is their problem, it is always somebody else’s fault for making them do something.

Another classic abuser trait is the smear campaign and making out the partner is the unstable, crazy one!
And they take no responsibility for anything.

Block and delete that arsehole from your life. Detox him out of your head. Read about trauma bonds, cluster b personality disorders like narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths so you have knowledge about these abusive types and you will be able to spot the red flags.

Start building yourself back up again. flowers

category12 Sun 17-Nov-19 18:33:42

Op, please do the freedom programme and look into some counselling for yourself.

BloodyHateBeingAWoman Sun 17-Nov-19 18:30:34

Also it seems this break up etc is very recent. You WILL move on in time, time will help to make it fade. Just focus on what you are doing to look after yourself

BloodyHateBeingAWoman Sun 17-Nov-19 18:28:34

Oh OP, i can see why this is so hard. When I went through a bad break up I found myself thinking about my ex a lot and wondering where he was/whether he was happy/why I loved him. Then one day I got so fed up with myself, I suddenly thought "bloody hell girl, you spend all your time moping about him! All your time wondering where it is etc! Just bloody worry about how YOU are spending YOU'RE time!". From that moment, every time he popped into my head I would repeat "stop worrying about what he is doing and worry about what you are doing". Surprisingly I found it made me change my activities and move forward. thanks

PurpleFrames Sun 17-Nov-19 18:20:00

@Closetbeanmuncher if only it was that easy x

@Greedypeopleithink thank you x she and her family were warned by others but he has strung a good tale about me being a loon so...

@TowelNumber42 no need to be so harsh, we were together since I was 16, almost 7yrs ofc I still love him...

@fit4more thank you x my life is decimated, I lost my baby, husband, home. I had a total breakdown, can't work. I have only my mum and dad who i see occasionally.

@Sandals19 yes, I always hoped he would change because he's not well and I guess I felt I deserved it a lot of the times too. Not with her she's a very innocent sheltered person. But he did go off with a few others every now and then. I only threw a coat hanger at him once. I have no idea how many times he was violent.

@lookatthebabypenguin we were married too.

@Yetanotherwinter thank you x

@cakeandchampagne hi again x I feel like he's robbed me of my chance to have babies. I don't think I can ever be with another man like that after things he's done.

I will try and block like everyone has advised.

Elieza Sun 17-Nov-19 18:17:25

Sorry for your loss OP.

You only felt bad seeing the photos because you haven’t moved on and are still grieving for the life you could have had together. The one you planned that didn’t include violence.

In a while, once you meet someone else, you will look back at him and feel sorry for her. You will have moved on and will be happy. She will be living your old life and dealing with that violent ex. Your new partner will be great and non violent. You will see the future and it will look good.

It’s normal to feel like this just now but defo look at the freedom programme or go for counselling to help you move on as you don’t want to be grieving for a violent relationship. You deserve better. You will not feel the pain you feel just now once you work through what you are feeling. Good luck OP.

cakeandchampagne Sun 17-Nov-19 17:41:06

I am sorry you had a miscarriage because of his violence.
I am glad you aren’t with him any more. You loved him enough to marry him & he abused you. He won’t treat her any better than he treated you. flowers

Yetanotherwinter Sun 17-Nov-19 17:38:19

If this was a violent relationship then you should be thanking your lucky stars that he’s not just married you. You’ve had a lucky escape. I’m sorry you’ve been through a horrible time with him and hope you can move on xx

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