DP being a bastard and I dunno how to calm down...

[bohemianbint]

Oh, I'll try to keep this as concise as possible. We have a son who is 12 months old. On Saturday DP was supposed to let me have a lie in, but came and woke me up at 9.45. (Still a lie in, but I was shattered and would have slept longer!) I let him have a lie in yesterday until 11am. (this gets more relevant in a minute...) DS then went for a nap so DP had the whole day free til 2.30pm. (I don't remember the last time I had anything like that much time on my hands.)

In the afternoon I asked DP when he would clear some cardboard boxes out of the yard. It looks hideous, they've been there rotting for months and he's been saying he'll do it for months. And there's always an excuse, ie it's raining, the cardboard's wet, whatever. Anyway, so when I asked him he got really arsey with me, and then all manner of stuff starts coming out. Apparently I think less of him because his son was in the house whilst he was trying to sleep, if I really cared I should have taken him out (for 3 hours - in the rain!) Then he says that I have loads of free time and he never gets any which of course is like a red rag to a bull; I work part time and look after DS the rest of the week, which is much harder than going to work! I ask him to leave it because I don't want to argue in front of our son but he never can leave it which makes me even angrier. Then he got all self righteous and told me to stop swearign in front of DS (yeah, probably shouldn't but he's 12 months old, DP swears, why pick that moment to decide we are going to stop) so you can imagine what the response to that was. So I left to avoid more arguing.

I dunno, it sounds trivial but I'm so angry that he thinks I have all this spare time and that even though I got up at 6am and worked my arse off all day he said he might as well not have bothered havign a lie in - I feel like everything I do gets thrown back in my face, and I can never discuss anythign with him because he gets really arsey, says things he claims he doesn't mean, which then do massive damage to the relationship. He seems to think it's sufficient to say that he doesn't mean what he says but it leaves me fuming and I can't just say "Oh well he didn't mean it" and forget about it because I feel it must have come from somewhere. I've just told him I don't even know if I want to be with him anymore since he has such a low opinion of me. I dunno what to do. Sorry, I'm garbling, aren't I. I just don't know how to move forward from here...

[TheWoman]

You both sound knackered, and this is probably leading to the bickering.
Can you find a babysitter for an evening, so you can both go out and enjoy yourself?
Make a rota for household chores.
Make a rota for having a lie in, and decide what time that will be for.
And stop swearing in front of your child.

[Meeely2]

bohemianbint - you dp sounds like my dh, have no advice cos mine is still like it after 2 and half years of having the twins. I am starting my own thread in a bit as my weekend has brought a few things to light i would like all these learned girls on MN to shout at me about.....

[Meeely2]

bohemianbint - how is your day going?

My DH went through this phase that you speak of and i walked out on him for 4 days. He HAD been fine since then (about a year ago). I stiull have no complaints regarding sharing the parenting of the boys - we do it 50/50....but friday he decided to take drugs - in our house, off my kitchen work top (boys were at his parents house). So i am considering my options for different reasons at the moment.

If you are fairly comfortable in every other apsect of your relationship (i.e. you know he doesn't take drugs, he respects you as a human being etc), then try to have a chat with him about your DS and how he needs to be more hands on and also more supportive of you. If that doesn;t work (talking never worked for me) and you have somewhere to go - write down your reasons for leaving, leave him the note (I made it clear i wasn't going for good, but that i needed some space) and then go.

My Dh hated me to start with, but he only gets angry when he knows he's in the wrong - he knew he'd pushed me too far, but needed to lash out. I went to stay with his mum, so he rang her too cursing....but when i got back he had done some serious thinking and all was well! so i thought but thats another thread.

Good luck....

[bohemianbint]

Hi Meeely,

cheers for the posts, good to see it's not just me with a halfwit fella.

We sort of worked out an uneasy truce for the time being. He did apologise, but then he always does, I just wish he wasn't such an arse in the first place. I've tried delaying the arguments to give him time to calm down and not talk rubbish but it doesn't really work. He just doesn't seem to ever learn and we have the same old crap over and over. Perhaps he's too old a dog to learn new tricks!

Did you start a thread re your situation? Will go and have a look...

[Meeely2]

heres my thread BB