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I've done a bad thing. But is this a normal reaction?

(250 Posts)
IsThisNormal1 Sat 16-Nov-19 21:03:16

Sorry, this will be long.

Been together almost 10 years. He's late 30s, I'm early 30s.

I'll start off by saying we've had a lot of stress in our relationship. About 4 years ago we were dealing with a lot of drama with my family - absolute narcs, the lot of them. It was resolved 2 years ago and I'm NC with them now.

Due to this drama, our relationship has taken a back seat. He's never been the romantic lovey-dovey type, but all intimacy stopped. We don't kiss, cuddle, hold hands, nothing. Sex is rare. Almost non-existent.

When the drama was resolved, I thought brilliant we can get on with our lives now. This hasn't happened. He does literally nothing. I do all the cleaning, washing, DIY, I even book his car MOT and doctors appointments for him. He wont take any initiative. Works at the same dead-end job which he hates but won't do anything about because "Brexit" or "job hunting is too hard" or various other reasons.

I experienced a major hiccup in my job last year (company restructuring) and was almost made redundant. I'm the bread winner so this was a huge deal. I signed myself up for an online course and told him he needs to step up with housework etc because I need to do this qualification while also working a 50 hour week. He stepped up for 2 or 3 days, then went back to his old ways. He leaves everything at his arse. I spend the evening cleaning, it's a shit tip by the next day. I do his washing and ask him to put it away, it gets left in a heap on the floor. Dishes left next to the dishwasher for me to put away. This goes on daily for months. Every day it's like he's saying a massive "FUCK YOU".

I don't like to nag but when confronted he says he's just got no motivation since the drama. Yes it was traumatic but life needs to go on. I have zero family now and it's not exactly been easy for me either! I've offered to pay for counsellors etc for him. No. He just spends all day every day watching YouTube and doing nothing. He says he needs to "build up" to doing anything and if that doesn't work, he can't do it at all.

Last night we went out for a few drinks at the pub. I admittedly drank too much and was very intoxicated. We both were. There was a man there and we got chatting at the bar. A proper real conversation for once about history, a mutual interest. This went on for some time and I feel we did have a connection of some sort. He left, and I went outside a few minutes later because I was starting to feel a bit unwell with the alcohol. Unbeknown to me, the man was still there and he kissed me. I haven't been kissed or even had any ounce of affection for years, so stupidly I didn't stop him.

DP came outside, saw this, and flew into a rage. He threw a glass at me, cutting my arm. Blood pouring. He then took my purse and went home, leaving me stranded with no money for a taxi home. The guy behind the bar had to loan me money.

I got home and DP had locked the gate knowing full well I couldn't reach the lock to get in. (The taxi driver managed to reach it for me). This morning I find that he has cut up all my bank cards, and hid my house keys so I couldn't get out. He says he didn't want me "sneaking out anywhere".

We talked today and I told him how undervalued and unappreciated I feel, he said "well write me a list and I'll do the cleaning every Tuesday". I don't need him to clean, I just need him to start acting like a proper grown-up.

I know what I did was wrong, I don't deny that. I feel awful. I've apologised to him. He has spent the rest of the day saying nothing and holding his head in his hands. I understand he's upset. I would be too. His cousin phoned this evening and he was all bright and cheerful like nothing happened. Then was laughing at stuff on tv. An hour later hes slumped on the stairs saying he feels sick and dizzy. I can hear him how pacing upstairs. Hes acting like I've just killed someone!

Words can't express how bad I feel. It was so out of character for me. I admit it was nothing more than feeling "wanted" for 5 minutes. I would never have seen this man again and regretted kissing him almost the moment it happened.

I'm not sure why I'm posting. I've been horrible, I admit. But with his reaction, I just know hes going to make me "pay for this" and use it as an excuse to do even less. I love him still, I really do. (Although the resentment is horrific) Am I kidding myself? Do I need to call time or do I deserve this?

GuessWhoColeen Sat 16-Nov-19 21:06:38

What do you love about him?

Notthetoothfairy Sat 16-Nov-19 21:06:48

Definitely call time and be very grateful you’re not married! He will probably try to stop you leaving as you do everything (all housework and earning the money) but you should resist that. Good luck!

IsThisNormal1 Sat 16-Nov-19 21:11:31

Coleen, we've just been together so long and he has been invaluable throughout all of my problems. You wouldn't believe the amount of hassle we've had as a couple. I can understand though that I must be unhappy otherwise I would have told that guy where to go. I don't know if I'm still with DP because of our history or if I actually want to be?

wishywashy27 Sat 16-Nov-19 21:11:48

What you did was wrong but honestly....This relationship has run its course. I don't judge you for kissing a guy - you're only human and you've been putting up with no intimacy, no help and frankly a massive man child for ages. Add a few drinks to the equation and these things easily happen. You're miserable though...things need to change

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 16-Nov-19 21:13:31

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You must have got something out of it otherwise why would you have stayed?. You say you love him; just what is there to love about this man exactly?. Have you merely confused love here with codependency?.

And as for facilitating his life like you have done to date (and you need to ask yourself why you have done this at all), this makes you sound more like his mother. His actions now towards you are abusive and like many abusive types as well image to outsiders is all important (hence he being cheerful to his cousin).

Call time on this, you and he should not be together in any event. Its over bar the shouting now and his reactions as well are disproportionate to any faux pas you have committed.

12345kbm Sat 16-Nov-19 21:14:34

You don't sound like partners. You sound like his carer. I was waiting for you to tell us how you have to wipe his arse when he rings a bell. I was cheering you on when you kissed this bloke. This man you married is treated you with absolute contempt. He is sitting there watching you run yourself into the ground and he can't even be bothered to putting away the washing you've done for him.

You're partly responsible for enabling him. There's no going back from this. It's the catalyst to get out of this awful relationship and make a fresh start.

Theworldisfullofgs Sat 16-Nov-19 21:15:25

Why are you with him?

MadeForThis Sat 16-Nov-19 21:15:43

The relationship is over.

DesperateElf Sat 16-Nov-19 21:17:35

You were both in the wrong but your wrong behaviour is more of a weakness, whereas his wrong behaviour is aggressive and specifically targeted at you. I wouldn't feel safe in my own home after this and would like to think that I'd be strong enough to leave in this scenario. Look actively for real life support - you'll need it.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 16-Nov-19 21:18:04

This "we've been together so long" sounds to me like both an excuse not to leave as well as the sunken costs fallacy. People get bogged down by focussing on sunk costs. What you forget here is that the damage here by this manchild, a man you lumbered yourself with, has already been done. Do not remain with this man now out of habit or wanting to settle. You are just selling your own self short in doing this.

MrGsFancyNewVagina Sat 16-Nov-19 21:18:19

He’s only holding his head in his hands because the lazy prick has realised that his easy life might be over. It’s very little to do with you kissing another man and more to do with the fact that you’re no longer putting up with his crap. Leave, OP. You deserve better. Of course he’ll start saying he’ll change and he will, until you become settled again. Then he’ll say he’s depressed, can live without you, hint at suicide, then become angry.

itsgettingweird Sat 16-Nov-19 21:18:18

You kissed someone else because your relationship is making you miserable.

It doesn't make it ok but I'd use it to tell yourself something.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 16-Nov-19 21:19:36

Staying in a bad romantic relationship simply because you've spent so much time with this person and you can't really see yourself dating someone new is a dangerous mindset. The more time you spend in a relationship with a sunk cost fallacy mindset, the more difficult it will become to leave.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.
There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.
The key is to clear away the distractions to rational and emotional clarity. Getting stuck in your “sunk cost” prevents you from this clarity, whether in your relationships or your investments!

RuffleCrow Sat 16-Nov-19 21:21:54

Relationships are supposed to be life enhancing.

He is a shit partner at best and an abusive bully at worst. You were naturally looking for a way out. Good. Run!

scoobydoo1971 Sat 16-Nov-19 21:22:02

Putting your behaviour to one side, this is a man who doesn't contribute financially, or emotionally to your life, and now he has physically hurt you with a glass, and locked you out of your home. It is abuse. He doesn't want you to leave because you make his life easier, and you organise every detail. It is not surprising you kissed another man since you are not getting affection in return for your domestic efforts off this man. You really must leave him, this is domestic violence and it will escalate. You are a capable woman working long hours and studying for a better future, but none of that counts if you stay in a dead-end relationship that doesn't make you happy.

IsThisNormal1 Sat 16-Nov-19 21:31:10

@AttilaTheMeerkat your post made me burst into tears for the millionth time today. Everything you've said hit home so hard like a bullet to the chest.

Thank you to everyone else for your replies. I'm so confused right now.

Ive just went upstairs and hes sighing and clinging to the dog. Poor dog looks miserable! DP said today that hes not willing to "give up on our relationship because it's not fair on the dog"

Cyberworrier Sat 16-Nov-19 21:31:19

Oh gosh, OP, please get out. You’re not married, no kids (I assume). You have a good career/prospects. Your partners reaction was not normal, it was overblown, intimidating, and potentially put you in a dangerous situationleaving you out in the street drunk and without money. Not the behaviour of a decent man. Trying to keep you in the house by cutting up your cards and hiding your keys is coercive behaviour. Please get out and live the life you deserve

Hecateh Sat 16-Nov-19 21:33:51

Who pays for the home? Who finances the cards he cut up? Who has checked out of the relationship in terms of input of any positive kind?

No finance comes from him.

No everyday maintenance comes from him.

No emotional or affection comes from him.

But he thinks he can dictate because - as someone starved of anything a partnership should provide - gave in to the starvation and took some comfort when it was offered.

Why are you still allowing him to be there?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 16-Nov-19 21:36:15

I didn't mean for my words to make you cry but you need to really now put your own self first and dig your way out of this hole he has partially dug for you to live in. Dry your tears and start to rebuild your life without this man in it. You can live a life free of the abuse he has and continues to mete out to you.

Charbead49 Sat 16-Nov-19 21:36:37

I'm sure he was upset but leaving you with no money to get home?? Seems like he had a lot of built up anger at you or something. This however isn't 'normal loving relationship has hit a small bump behaviour', it's get out while you can.

12345kbm Sat 16-Nov-19 21:37:25

There's nothing to be confused about OP. You need to start making plans to leave and take the dog as it would be neglected if you left it with him, he's simply not capable of looking after an animal. Liberate yourself.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 16-Nov-19 21:39:53

Ive just went upstairs and hes sighing and clinging to the dog. Poor dog looks miserable! DP said today that hes not willing to "give up on our relationship because it's not fair on the dog"

He is being utterly pathetic by using the dog as a reason not to give up on the relationship. He's acting like this as well also because his free ride with you is coming to an end. This man gave up on your relationship a long long time ago.

Fatted Sat 16-Nov-19 21:40:05

Take this as a sign to leave OP. I really don't understand how something with YOUR family has left HIM needing therapy. Although I did think reading your OP that perhaps your family saw him for the idiot he is a long time ago.

NamechangeWhatFor Sat 16-Nov-19 21:40:34

He sounds awful and it sounds like you're miserable in this life.

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