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Relationships

DH texting other women, I am gay - I am laughing as I'm writing this..

87 replies

KirstyHasLeft · 16/11/2019 13:50

So, I have been posting here about my woman crush and how I have finally realised that I am gay.
Since I am confused AF and don't know what to do - here I come to ask for advice. I somehow sense that the general response will be - divorce. But I need to hear it..

We've been married for 10 years and have 2 DC in primary school. I work part time.
Our marriage has been ok - ups and downs but overall fine. Two years ago my DH had a depression that lasted until very recently. It was damn hard. He was often aggressive, shouty and very hard to live with.
Last year I found texts on his phone -he texted another woman from his work. It's been going on for a while. He even bought her Christmas present. I don't know what else happened. Anyway, I confronted him and he apologised, sweared to stop and sweared that nothing happened between them.

He also texts and flirts with some other women from his work but he claims they are just friends.

Last year I fell for another woman. It's been horrible for me. Eventually it hit me that I am gay as I really like women and not that into men .. I posted here on MN and my DH found and read all. So I had to admit I am gay (or bi? who knows..). In all fairness, my DH behaved so kindly towards me. We talked a lot and he said he loves me more that anything. He said that if I really think I am not happy with him, he will let me go. But it would break his heart. Stuff like that.. I must say - he snapped out of his depression, has changed - does not scream at me anymore and is a loving, lovely DH. He has become quite needy - e.g. -demands I text him I love him every day. But for me - so much damage has been done to my feelings to him, I don't know if I can find my way back to him.

Anyway - whilst all this was happening and he was claiming he loves me - he was texting yet another woman from his work. He confessed they went out few times but nothing happened. He says he needs love and attention from someone as I am not giving him enough. So he is still in contact with her. He put a pin on his phone so I can't check it. He swears he loves me so much that he could never actually cheat on me.

We actually are a great team. We think alike, finish each others sentences, we are best friends.

This is such a mess.. Should I leave him? Is my judgement clouded because of my crush? Am I stupid for believing him that he hasn't slept with anyone else? Is there any point staying married? Shall I leave just because I am gay? It feels so hard to break what seems like a good family.. I have nowhere to go if I leave..

Any advice, please.

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PollyFeather · 16/11/2019 13:54

What a bizarre dynamic you have going on here. You're gay, he's off with any woman who will give him a second glance ... why do you think this relationship is decent?

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dootball · 16/11/2019 13:54

Surely you just need to get another women to move in with you both and you will both be happy?

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CoolhandLucan · 16/11/2019 13:56

Why not try just living separate lives for a while. I assume you don’t sleep with him currently. Does it bother you he is in contact with other women?

Is there also a danger that he will also read these latest threads? It’s a fairly unique story and not difficult for him to pick up if he looks at MN.

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Winterartyhead · 16/11/2019 13:57

Summed up perfectly by Pollyfeather

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Twooter · 16/11/2019 13:58

If you’ve told him you’re not interested in men, it’s not fair to be upset with him for looking elsewhere. You can’t expect him to happily live his life without love.

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FizzyGreenWater · 16/11/2019 14:05

Well if it helps make up your mind, I'd say that your DH is pretty much out for himself. He treated you like shit until he got a sniff of the fact that actually you might be the one to up and leave him - then he's kindness itself, oh you'll break my heart if you go and I have to wash my own pants and pay all my bills alone - but he's still texting other women on the sly.

He's certainly not worth staying with, if that helps, and he's not your best friend.

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KirstyHasLeft · 16/11/2019 14:08

@Twooter - I am not upset. I am relieved, maybe? I don't know.. He did it well before even I realised I am gay though.

I realise now, reading this that we do look like a very strange couple indeed..
He swore he will never snoop on me on MN again but I think I will have to ask to delete this thread. I just need to hear how it looks from outside!

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/11/2019 14:11

We actually are a great team.

You're not. You are grateful he's stopped screaming at you?! He's controlling and needy, and constantly texting other women and buying them presents. And you are gay.

You have children. For their sakes; stop displaying this as a functional relationship for them to mirror. Don't you want better for them, even if not for yourself?

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/11/2019 14:12

(That reads a bit bluntly. Obviously you being gay is not a bad thing, it's just a fundamental issue in your relationship with him, as he's a man. And not a very nice one)

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1forAll74 · 16/11/2019 14:35

Maybe you should both separate and be with your chosen people types.
It must be quite stressful, to live as you do. but you are, it seems,friends with your Husband,so maybe things will be better if you are apart instead.

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GertrudeCB · 16/11/2019 14:36

You can be a great team co parenting your kids.
Set each other free.

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Eckhart · 16/11/2019 14:46

You love each other platonically, and are both interested in other people. Although unconventional I don't think this is a mess. It sounds like you are on good terms, and have some sorting out to do. Work out what you want. Do you each need your own space to facilitate other relationships? Do you want to live in the same house but have separate rooms? What do you want to model for your children? (presumably not a lie of being a happy couple) I imagine that neither of your needs are outrageous, so you can probably find a way to accommodate everything, and cause minimal disruption to your kids.

He sounds a little needy for someone who has been having emotional affairs. He's going to have to get his needy reactions under control.

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KirstyHasLeft · 16/11/2019 14:58

@Eckhart He doesn't want open relationships. He wants to be a happy couple with me. I just can't see it happening, really.. it feels fake.

To be honest - thinking that I will live with him until the day I die makes me sad. But leaving a nice home with 2 DC and going into - what? a shelter? Council house somewhere on the other side of city? that also feels scary.

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KirstyHasLeft · 16/11/2019 15:00

He doesn't want to have counselling. So we have to work this out by ourselves.

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Eckhart · 16/11/2019 15:04

D'you think he's capable of some sort of compromise, or will he make life hard, @Kirsty? It does sound like you have left the romantic aspect of the relationship already, and are hanging on to other parts of it. He's not going to get what he wants, is he, either way. You're gay and you're interested in someone else.

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ihatethecold · 16/11/2019 15:11

Op. You can still go for counselling to help you move on with what’s best for you.

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KirstyHasLeft · 16/11/2019 15:13

He said he wants me to go and try to have sex with a woman just to be 100% sure that I am gay.. What do I do with this permission... Confused.. But he wants to know all the details afterwards. WTF.

He is trying to be romantic - we just spent a weekend away and it was not too bad. Although I was seriously flirting with another lady who was there too- I've known her for years - he never noticed. Such a mess.

I would love to have open relationship - although chances of me finding someone normal, who would get into any relationship with me whilst I am still married, are tiny. It would just be a bigger mess.

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PrincessHoneysuckle · 16/11/2019 15:16

He sounds like hes now getting off on the idea that you might be gay.Id separate tbh it's very complicated.

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ISmellBabies · 16/11/2019 15:24

Your dh has very obviously been cheating. He's minimising, just admitting what he's been caught doing red handed. He's been shagging about left right and centre. And he has the bloody cheek to blame you for your lack of attention and then be needy about messages from you while he's still out after any sniff of skirt. He's a cunt. As for permitting you to sleep with a woman if you tell him all about it afterwards, he's just using your crisis of self discovery as a cheap wank.
Get rid of the bugger. Even if you're not gay you don't need someone like that, he's fucking awful.

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Eckhart · 16/11/2019 15:25

I think you have to leave. Your boundaries and his boundaries about your future relationships are conflicting.

Have you asked him WHY he needs to know the details? That seems massively intrusive, and at best, he's prioritising his needs within your relationship above your independent needs. At worst... well, let's not go there. It would be interesting to hear what reason he gives you, though, for needing the details.

Ignore the permission. Just pretend he didn't say it. It's an irrelevance.

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MashedSpud · 16/11/2019 15:37

Your relationship is crap, sorry.

He’s a cheater who can’t stay faithful for five minutes but he wants to be a happy couple?!

You prefer women.

Just get out while you can and start dating women.

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HeyNotInMyName · 16/11/2019 15:56

I think he is lying re other women. And seems to be getting controlling (see the fact you have to text him everyday you love him Hmm and the laying in the guilt ‘I’ll let you go but I love you soooo much’ whilst texting and seeing other women ‘because you dont give him enough attention tion’)
I also think that regardless of your sexual attraction (gay, bi, whatever), you don’t respect or trust him anymore. The fact you actually dint really care if he texting someone else says it all. F
Or various reasons, you’ve detached yourself and you are not in love with him anymore.

So yes my advice would be to move on. Your relationship has run it’s time. And I don’t think it’s just because of your sexuality but also about his ‘need’ to attract interest from other women and the way heated you for the last few years.

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HeyNotInMyName · 16/11/2019 15:59

Oh and he doesn't get to know anything about your sex life that as nothing to do with him.

You ‘trying it out with a woman just to be sure p’ is just a nice way out for him. Look I can’t do anything to save this marriage as she loves women and not me. Excuses and covering his own failings.

@KirstyHasLeft can qI ask why you would like an open relationship? What would be good for you in there? You don’t love your DH anymore so why doing anything to stay together?

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KirstyHasLeft · 16/11/2019 15:59

Thank you everyone! You are opening my eyes to things that I knew already but wouldn't consciously admit.

Such a shame that our marriage has turned into this circus.
What do I do now?...

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KirstyHasLeft · 16/11/2019 16:01

@HeyNotInMyName - I don't know.. Scared of leaving my comfortable life? Kids need father? Crap reasons really...

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