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Update - back home and it gets worse!

(146 Posts)
Coronade Thu 14-Nov-19 00:26:08

So we are back from the 2 week family holiday from hell, which on day 4, I discovered partner of 27 yrs was having an affair but I kept it quiet so i didn’t ruin the holiday for our children ( 16 & 20).

Been home a few days and I still haven’t said anything as I want to wait till I’ve seen a solicitor on Friday ( we aren’t married). I’ve discovered he has a list of all the dates he has been on with this woman ( very nice places too and nights away -16 so far and he must have spent a fortune). What kind of arsehole keeps a list of the dates he’s been on with his mistress?!!
I’ve also found out who she is and where she works. She is also married with grown up children. He used to go out with her when he was a teenager. How sweet 🤮
He’s sent her flowers, I know the hotel they stayed at one night and the numerous long phone calls he’s had with her ( supposedly he hates talking on the phone!!).
He’s also adding to the list since we’ve been home as he’s meeting her for a day out this week.

I can’t believe it all really, think I’m in shock. He can lie so easily and so well. I feel like a complete idiot.

Scribblescribbles Thu 14-Nov-19 00:34:32

Sounds like an infatuation and midlife crisis rolled into one. He's an idiot. He's obviously not that good at deceit if you've discovered it after only 16 dates. Haven't seen your earlier thread. Well done for being strong and holding it together for your dcs and so that you can get legal stuff sorted.

Scribblescribbles Thu 14-Nov-19 00:37:37

Hope you have taken a photo of the list for evidence.

Coronade Thu 14-Nov-19 00:43:05

Yes have pics of everything I’ve found. Sent them to my friend for safe keeping and deleted them off my phone.

Ruderidinghood Thu 14-Nov-19 00:55:13

@Coronade you are amazing and my hero - you've held it together so well. I wouldn't be able to hold my temper!

RLEOM Thu 14-Nov-19 00:56:30

I've been wondering about how you've been doing. How did you manage to hold it together whilst on holiday?

Coronade Thu 14-Nov-19 01:10:58

The holiday was so hard as he was such a 💩. He kept taking the pee out of me in front of the kids when we were out.
One night, after a meal he went off to the bar whilst we waited to pay the bill ( his phone was on 3%). We were a while as it took ages and dd needed the loo. Obviously he wasn’t at the bar, looked round for him, waited outside. Twenty minutes later he text DDT’s to say he was on his way back to the hotel.
We were all pissed off and I knew it was because he was desperate to get his phone on charge to keep texting her.
When we got back I said I was cross and he went mad, threw a cup at me which hit my leg and hurt and told me to F off out of his sight to dds room. I did feel bad as dd saw me crying before I ran into her bathroom.
He spent loads of time on his own in holiday away from us - texting and phoning her I assume.
Not so bad back home as we don’t have to see much of each other.
I’m just trying to decide when to tell him and the kids?
He is going away with her next Saturday night so I was planning on telling the kids then and texting him that I know. Only problem is DS is going out drinking all day and dd is super stressed with school and having a meltdown currently. Also how much detail should I tell them? I don’t want to screw them up for the rest of their lives.

Thesuzle Thu 14-Nov-19 01:24:33

Hello OP
And thank you for coming back with an update.
If this was my problem I would tell him I know, (once I was sure of my legal situation) and then say that he has to tell the kids why you are splitting up. Keep absolute hold of your nerve, maintain your dignity and let them see what an idiot he is,
Good luck

Coronade Thu 14-Nov-19 01:28:58

I know he is going to blame it all on me. He is never wrong and gets very angry if confronted - hence why I was going to text him while he was away with her and why I think I will have to tell the Dc’s and probably his mother!
I feel like I’m part putting it off because I’m afraid. Afraid how he’s going to react and afraid of what I’m going to put my children through.

ForeverFaithless Thu 14-Nov-19 01:34:53

You are not the one putting your children through anything.
You're just trying to clean up the big mess he is making.
He is destroying your family.
Stay strong, you're doing great.

JontyDoggle37 Thu 14-Nov-19 01:37:16

In your position I would definitely tell the DCs and his mother, but also be prepared for the fall out, he sounds like he may react badly to being called out on his behaviour. Do you own the property jointly or is there any chance you could change the locks?

KnowMenClature Thu 14-Nov-19 01:44:14

This is his responsibility. He has destroyed your relationship. Always remember that, and refuse to shoulder any blame

You have been amazingly strong!

You should advise the police that you are so afraid to tell him so they can put your number on priority response.

Explain that he has already assaulted you because you were upset at his unreasonable behaviour.

Be honest with your dc, no matter how difficult. They need to trust that you will be honest with them.

They don't need details, but do be frank that you discovered it, kept it quiet as you are scared of his reaction and wanted you all to be safe.

They don't need to know what a hell of a holiday you went through so that they had a good one. Just that you're scared of him and hes been cheating.

This is not harming them. They need the truth.

They know the truth of your relationship anyway but just won't say.

Good luck with everything and keep safe.

Durgasarrow Thu 14-Nov-19 02:00:25

Do whatever you can to get out of that relationship, and get the resources you deserve.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 14-Nov-19 02:02:08

Time to be practical. Besides seeing a solicitor, you need to get a good financial picture of what you own. Since you aren't married, you wouldn't be entitled to anything but child maintenance for the 16 yr old and a fair share of any joint assets.

Keep quiet until you've figured out all financial questions, gotten important papers out of the house, and have a definite plan for separating whether it involves you leaving with the DC or trying to get him to leave. Then lower the boom.

Creepster Thu 14-Nov-19 02:03:31

They already know he is abusive. All you have to do is tell that the affair is one abuse too many.
Get your rights sorted and then either leave or tell him to get out but do it with adults there to support you in case he gets violent again.

Monty27 Thu 14-Nov-19 02:14:06

Here's what I would do but I'm not not in your situation.
Say nothing to DC's but following legal advice I would pull df to the side. Tell him you know. Watch him wither. Then tell him you have not told the DC's yet
Then kick him to the kerb and subsequently explain to DC's that the marriage is over and get him to give the explanation.
Angry on your behalf OP angry

ShippingNews Thu 14-Nov-19 02:16:25

Personally I'd deal with him first, and tell the kids later. Doing it all at once will make it very stressful for you and them.

I had the exact same thing happen some years ago - we'd only just arrived at the holiday place and I found some evidence of his affair. I had to keep it quiet for 2 weeks while "enjoying" the holiday with my children. So yes I know what this experience is like, OP. Good for you, keeping yourself calm until you got home.

But anyway, I'd deal with him first, then tell the children when you both know what is going to happen. With luck , they are old enough to be able to accept the 'new normal" which will happen after the dust settles. Best wishes .

RhinoskinhaveI Thu 14-Nov-19 02:18:58

I agree, keep quiet until you got everything figured out

sofato5miles Thu 14-Nov-19 02:30:24

I'd tell him and possibly his mother, but not the kids. Very, very stressful for you. I cannot imagine

BillHadersNewWife Thu 14-Nov-19 02:38:36

Call the police and report him for all of his aggressive, violent and threatening behaviour. Then get an injunction so he can't come to the house.

Then get a possession order.

Fuck him right up OP. Don't mention the affair to him. Deal with this as a victim of abuse...which you are.

BillHadersNewWife Thu 14-Nov-19 02:39:44

The only "benefit" from telling him is that he might lose his temper and enable you to call the police immediately. But that's potentially dangerous. It's up to you OP...but you have enough to get the bastard removed from the property.

DonKeyshot Thu 14-Nov-19 02:45:38

Are you renting or buying? If buying, are you named on the mortgage or deeds to the property? If he's buying/owns his home and you're not named talk to your solicitor about registering an interest in the property on behalf of your youngest so that you can at least have a roof over heads until s/he becomes 18.

Telling him you know all about his affair when he's at a distance is a very good idea and don't forget to add that it won't be long until her husband knows about her infidelity - if he's given to displays of anger this could be the rod you need to keep him in check.

When you see him in person after your revelation be icy cold, look at him as if he's a curious specimen you're seeing for the first time and make it clear that, other than the relationship he will continue to have with your dc, he has no future in your life.

If possible move your bed into another room, or bag his belongings up and make it clear he's on the sofa for the foreseeable. Cease all household services you provide for him such as cooking, laundry etc.

flowers You're not a complete idiot, OP, but he is for thinking he could pull the wool over your eyes.

DuMondeB Thu 14-Nov-19 02:45:53

Just be factual. Tell them that after 27 years you can no longer tolerate living with their father. They already know it’s not a happy partnership so they will probably be relieved. Follow it up by telling them your plans for the future and how you will function as a family of three going forward.

If they need more Info just say partner has been seeing someone else, in secret, for quite sometime (it’s less emotive sounding than affair/cheating/other woman - not that you don’t have a right to be furious, but you want to get through the telling of the kids as painlessly as possible.

I was the teenager in this situation, horrible holiday and all, and honestly, while I was upset that my parents were splitting, mostly I was pleased my mum was going to get the chance of a happier future.

kateandme Thu 14-Nov-19 02:46:15

you arent doing this to them he is.seeing as they are older do you think they would rather know/ know them.would they feel hurt later if you didnt explain properly.would it hurt more if they simply though you were splitting and didnt explain now.
tit for tat isnt the thing to do but eqaully i couldnt stand for him to come across as the good guy in all this that mums chucking out!he deserve there disdain.(though i know we should say keep them being able to love their dad blah blah blah)
so i think it depends on how he takes it and then how he think the kids should know?if he starts getting dicky then fuck him,tell them and why.
do you think they would be better knowing their have been problem and dads beeen seeing someone else so that is one problem too many?
just keep reminding them how lvoed they you will both always work to keep them safe and loved.and that you will still be supporting them with everything and no matter what happens with parents that never changes the love for the children.
im so sorry your hurting so much.
what a cock.
get the info from your legal team then go from there.with this i think you can plan and plan on how to go about things and then one day it could all change when you find out more or feel day to day and keep going forwards.

butterflyFed Thu 14-Nov-19 03:12:19

I am glad that you are back @Coronade. I read your other thread and you have done amazing. Continue to be strong and remember that once he knows you know there is no going back. With that I mean that you need to use this time at your advantage, get legal advice and do whatever you need to ensure the best outcome for yourself. Once cards are on the table, he will be playing this game against you and you will not have the same opportunity anymore. Play wisely.

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