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Handhold -Told H I want a divorce, the rise and fall I am rising.

(151 Posts)
awesmum Sat 09-Nov-19 19:40:55

A long update for you all as to where I currently am with DC. You'll find the link to my previous posts below.

After the courts decision with access over DD, the animosity between us remains, I still have to record all hand overs as he still becomes abusive over, well anything he feels like. Normally when faced with someone who is either rude or cross my go to is be over nice, but with him is ignore ignore ignore. I look through him and say nothing. I always make sure I say the appropriate things to DD, 'Say hello/ bye bye to Daddy.' Etc. He can not be civil, or polite, I think he has managed once since we split, that was about 6 months ago when he mentioned she had a lump on her back, I said yes, it was a chicken pox scar. Anyway, DD is doing ok, she's still struggling with the situation, she comes home with lots of anger and shouting, how I am bad, how he keeps telling her what her name is over and over and questioning her on it, how she's going to work and sitting by herself and not going to school. How she must say things certain ways and that I am wrong. Currently it is what it is, he's again tried to break the court order with access. He sets deadlines of a day when he wants me to do something, but waits weeks to do something himself. It's all building up and I am just waiting a little longer before he blows it completely. I had an abusive email from him this week about my applying for her school place without him - we had agreed in court already which school, so I applied as per the court order, apparently I was wrong.
Unfortunately I am still rendered a shaking mess when I get the abuse but I don't react and ignore, but it's still unpleasant.

The older children are doing loads and loads better, they are not without their issues, but it is fairly evident to everyone, including DD11's friends mum's that she's now learning to express rather than repress, so sometimes it will come out wrong, so there is understanding. The oldest are doing great, we have rows which is great confused but they are being heard, they can express and we can all make up too. Which is immensely cathartic. They both have started relationships and bring their partners and friends around all the time which is heart warming.

The divorce, I had to put my foot down and made my solicitor send the paperwork to the court, he'd had 3+ months of time to think and respond with regular reminders, so it went, and it was sent out to him, he had till yesterday to respond- we'll see if he did at all (not holding my breath). So the battle continues.

In the last few months I have bumped into a few people that we knew together, some his friends, some ours. One hid her head in the boot of a car to avoid me, one was polite but very uncomfortable and one actually turned and ran when they saw me. I can't say this hasn't hurt, it has. Still not one person has made efforts to see even if the kids are ok. My name must be absolute mud. But as much as it smarts, being away from the constant degradation and humiliation far out weighs that.

As for me, well I am loving my job, I am making more and more friends, I am having people over, I am going to the gym, I am having fun, and peace. I am not fixed yet, but getting there.

In July 2018 I stood in the middle of a dance floor with all my friends and had a moment of clarity where I stood still watching my friends and realised 'I am so unhappy.' I was so desolate.
Last weekend I stood in the middle of a dance floor and had another moment of clarity 'My daughters are safe, my son is safe, I am at peace, this is what happy is.'

2018 seems so far away I can't even comprehend what we have all been through in the last 13 months. But we are here and we are doing we winning.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Sat 21-Dec-19 19:17:34

Good for you. Play him at his own game.

Mrsmummy90 Mon 23-Dec-19 00:41:07

I had a little chuckle! Merry Christmas xxx

YouretheChristmasCarcass Fri 27-Dec-19 20:41:38

Hope your Xmas was merry and bright and especially I hope it was peaceful and calm!

Nanamilly Sat 28-Dec-19 08:16:21

Op, I don’t know how you cope. I had palpitations just reading all of that.


MotherOfDragonite Mon 30-Dec-19 10:48:34

Merry Christmas @awesmum, I hope you have all enjoyed yourselves together and been able to switch off somewhat. How far you have come!

Star81 Mon 30-Dec-19 12:30:10

Having read all this I can’t believe how well you cope with it.

I hope you had a fantastic Christmas in peace.

AprilBaby29 Wed 01-Jan-20 10:51:21

Happy New Year OP! You've had such a turbulent 2019 I hope 2020 is nice and chilled for you flowers

IRBJan17 Mon 06-Jan-20 19:36:13

I'm logging my place on this thread too as ive followed your 2 previous ones!!

Happy new year!! I hoope your xmas and new year has gone as smoothly as possible in the situation!

I'd love to read the blog if you would pm me the link!

You are an absolute inspiration

Mumek Tue 07-Jan-20 00:25:30

Happy New Year Awesmum. Please pm the link to your blog xx

LeviOsaNotLeviosAR Tue 14-Jan-20 23:03:21

De-lurking to say Happy New Year. Hoping to see an update from you soon. I have my fingers crossed that 2020 is your year flowers

EyUpDuck12 Sat 25-Jan-20 12:35:26

How are things Awesmum?

glutten4punishment Wed 29-Jan-20 17:15:12

How're you doing @awesmum ?

awesmum Sat 01-Feb-20 10:04:59

Hello everyone. A little update, the divorce has been accepted and not defended, papers have gone back to court, hopefully meaning that will be done and dusted in 12 weeks ish.

Hand over for DD is still a huge source of tension. He's still giving her a dummy and bottle - despite her being now 4. She's still struggling when she gets home and reverts to baby talk and wanting to be a baby, which is fine, I give her lots of hugs and reassurance. Weirdly he won't allow her to have the comfort toy she's had since birth or her blanky, as he's always thought they were ridiculous things for children to have and shouldn't be encouraged- despite having a bear from his birth by his bed?

Currently trying to get a councillor for my son as he's finally starting to deal with what he went through with ex. My eldest DD still has nightmares but is doing lots better. We all have our wobbles but are getting there. DD 12 is doing well at the moment.

I am doing well, seeing lots of friends, always busy doing and being. I still struggle sleeping and wake frequently checking the house is secure. I am taking pleasure in all the little things still - all the positives about being free and out. I do hate though that they remind me of him as I would truest like to wipe him out of my mind. Apart from that I don't actually think about him at all.

pointythings Sat 01-Feb-20 12:16:08

That's a fabulous update, awesmum. You are so insightful around your DCs' needs; a lot of people don't understand that reaction to trauma can come at any time, including a long time after the event. My DD2 has only just been diagnosed with PTSD because of all the stuff her dad did and we're 2 years on from him leaving the marital home...

You're going to thrive. Your DD will thrive as well despite her awful dad, because she has you for a mum.

RandomMess Sat 01-Feb-20 20:48:09

KOKO thanks

Mrsmummy90 Mon 03-Feb-20 21:34:00

So glad that the divorce will be sorted soon! Hope you're all doing ok xxx

MiniCooperLover Fri 14-Feb-20 19:55:52

Awesmum, you are incredible and you're children will all be so grateful and happy you fought so strongly for them all and their health and happiness when they're older. I'm glad to see the divorce is happening. I hope you can start to feel peaceful over time.

Livenearhere Mon 02-Mar-20 15:06:33

How’s things @awesmum

RandomMess Thu 05-Mar-20 20:16:11

Think of you often, hope you are ok thanks

awesmum Thu 05-Mar-20 22:41:19

Hey, been waiting for today grin. Finally got the acceptance for my divorce to go through! Honestly it's been longer than Brexit.

Kids are doing well, DS is in counselling he's had quite a few set backs and it's been identified that something traumatic happened to him when he was about 10/11 - when STBXH started ramping up with abuse to all of us, also his self esteem is shot to pieces and he has a lack of positive male role models in his life. He's getting better though, it will take time and will come out for all of us at different times.

Ex is threatening me with court as I haven't agreed to his terms about next Christmas hmm. I am happy for him to, especially as my solicitor contacted his to ask if we could leave it for at least a week as I suffered a huge loss of a sibling of mine that actual day and was told no and then on handover got a slew of abuse from him - will it ever stop. No I don't think so.

I have been back to Women's Aid and I have been told to go back to the police with my diary for evidence.

Once I have had my DSis's funeral I am going to pursue it with the police as I am still suffering domestic abuse which no matter which way they paint it it's illegal.

I hope you're all well.

RandomMess Thu 05-Mar-20 22:46:09

So sorry about your DSIS thanksthanksthanksthanksthanksthanksthanksthanksthanksthanks

AcrossthePond55 Thu 05-Mar-20 23:46:43

My deepest condolences on the loss of your sister.

Chances are that you're right, to some extent it will never stop. BUT once the divorce is settled AND as DD gets older he will have less and less 'power' as she will get more and more independent. I know, that's a long way off.

Is there any way handovers can be done in a very public place?

notapizzaeater Fri 06-Mar-20 00:04:28

Sorry to hear about your sister

Def report him again, he's not going to stop anytime soon

BumbleBeee69 Fri 06-Mar-20 02:54:36

you have come so far OP... I'm sorry to hear about your DS's trauma and the loss of your DSis... Congratulations on getting your divorce.. 🌺

BeUpStanding Fri 06-Mar-20 11:15:55

So sorry for the loss of your sister. Unbelievably that he even used that to abuse you. You're right to go back to the police about his continuing abuse.

And yet what wonderful news about the divorce being accepted! I've been following your thread since the first post and you are doing so, so well. Really brilliant star

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