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Handhold -Told H I want a divorce, the rise and fall I am rising.

(151 Posts)
awesmum Sat 09-Nov-19 19:40:55

A long update for you all as to where I currently am with DC. You'll find the link to my previous posts below.

After the courts decision with access over DD, the animosity between us remains, I still have to record all hand overs as he still becomes abusive over, well anything he feels like. Normally when faced with someone who is either rude or cross my go to is be over nice, but with him is ignore ignore ignore. I look through him and say nothing. I always make sure I say the appropriate things to DD, 'Say hello/ bye bye to Daddy.' Etc. He can not be civil, or polite, I think he has managed once since we split, that was about 6 months ago when he mentioned she had a lump on her back, I said yes, it was a chicken pox scar. Anyway, DD is doing ok, she's still struggling with the situation, she comes home with lots of anger and shouting, how I am bad, how he keeps telling her what her name is over and over and questioning her on it, how she's going to work and sitting by herself and not going to school. How she must say things certain ways and that I am wrong. Currently it is what it is, he's again tried to break the court order with access. He sets deadlines of a day when he wants me to do something, but waits weeks to do something himself. It's all building up and I am just waiting a little longer before he blows it completely. I had an abusive email from him this week about my applying for her school place without him - we had agreed in court already which school, so I applied as per the court order, apparently I was wrong.
Unfortunately I am still rendered a shaking mess when I get the abuse but I don't react and ignore, but it's still unpleasant.

The older children are doing loads and loads better, they are not without their issues, but it is fairly evident to everyone, including DD11's friends mum's that she's now learning to express rather than repress, so sometimes it will come out wrong, so there is understanding. The oldest are doing great, we have rows which is great confused but they are being heard, they can express and we can all make up too. Which is immensely cathartic. They both have started relationships and bring their partners and friends around all the time which is heart warming.

The divorce, I had to put my foot down and made my solicitor send the paperwork to the court, he'd had 3+ months of time to think and respond with regular reminders, so it went, and it was sent out to him, he had till yesterday to respond- we'll see if he did at all (not holding my breath). So the battle continues.

In the last few months I have bumped into a few people that we knew together, some his friends, some ours. One hid her head in the boot of a car to avoid me, one was polite but very uncomfortable and one actually turned and ran when they saw me. I can't say this hasn't hurt, it has. Still not one person has made efforts to see even if the kids are ok. My name must be absolute mud. But as much as it smarts, being away from the constant degradation and humiliation far out weighs that.

As for me, well I am loving my job, I am making more and more friends, I am having people over, I am going to the gym, I am having fun, and peace. I am not fixed yet, but getting there.

In July 2018 I stood in the middle of a dance floor with all my friends and had a moment of clarity where I stood still watching my friends and realised 'I am so unhappy.' I was so desolate.
Last weekend I stood in the middle of a dance floor and had another moment of clarity 'My daughters are safe, my son is safe, I am at peace, this is what happy is.'

2018 seems so far away I can't even comprehend what we have all been through in the last 13 months. But we are here and we are doing we winning.

XJerseyGirlX Tue 12-Nov-19 15:36:53

Lovely to hear from you OP, amazing how much time and effort this guy has put into hating and fighting you. So glad to hear you and the DC are ok xx

longtimelurkerhelen Tue 12-Nov-19 21:01:42

I'm so pleased you are doing so well. flowers

He is brainwashing her and it is most definately parental alienation. I thought he wasn't allowed to take her to his workplace?

Does she show any interest or excitement to see him?

AcrossthePond55 Wed 13-Nov-19 02:16:29

Honestly, I think you need to have a very frank discussion with your solicitor. Starting with whether or not Parental Alienation is grounds for reduced/no contact in the UK. It is here.

He's not going to stop. And as she gets older and more able to digest the vile shit he's telling her it will really start to affect her, and her relationships with the rest of her family.

mariabs Thu 14-Nov-19 19:04:58


Epona1 Thu 14-Nov-19 21:34:05

Well he’s already in breach of the court order if I remember correctly by not taking her to nursery on his days and instead she’s sitting at work with him.

Solicitor I think

yuiop Wed 20-Nov-19 07:16:11

Hey @awesmum

My ex was just like this with my ds, all of the ‘I’m your family’ and spending the entire time filling his head with confusing nonsense.
I took him to a child psychologist so he had someone to talk to and for advice. He would come home just the same, angry and upset and it took days to return to normal - then he’d have to see him and he’d be stressed again.

Their advice was to let him do any activity he wanted when he came home while he adjusted. If that was playing for an hour, let him. Jumping on the trampoline, let him do that. If he couldn’t engage and just needed time on his own that was fine.
They also said he needed to know that our home, as the stable and consistent home, wasn’t going to change. So part of the acting out is to test if anything has changed and whether you’ll send her away. Her dads is a chaotic and difficult life and a hard adjustment, she never knows what to expect from him. She needs to know everything is exactly the same with you and you’re not going anywhere. Keep her routine the same.
When she gets home I’d gently tell her that everything here is the same, nothing has changed, what would she like to do?

yuiop Wed 20-Nov-19 07:19:30

And I don't know how the courts work in the UK, but here they take into consideration the psychologists assessment.

AnneKipanki Wed 20-Nov-19 07:26:16

Thanks for the update. It is great that the 3 children are so much better .
Your DD "Laura-Mary " ... what a shame he is putting her through that .
thanksfor you .

Weenurse Sat 23-Nov-19 06:03:06


awesmum Sat 23-Nov-19 19:14:03

@yuiop thank you for the advice. DD is coming home and refusing to leave the house. Wanting to just stay in and be at home, which is fine especially as the weather has turned. We're doing lots of activities such as sticking and painting which is calming and she's able to express herself a lot better. I have an initial conversation when I pick her up, to remind her she can talk and express herself.

When she went back to his last she was in hysterics as she's now saying she's 'scared' of him, on asking why she says she wants to see mummy every day but her keeps her.
When I changed her out of her dress to go back to his (he's really weird about her clothes, dresses her in boys clothes or really odd stuff - pj's to nursery or thin trousers and no coat or hat to nursery) and she's a very girly pink and fluffy girl - she sobbed her heart out 'I am not a princess anymore!'
When dropped her off, she was crying and it made me want to vomit.

There's lots of distractions at home with the build up to Christmas. The children and I are feeling over festive and I know it's because it's the first time in such a long time we can relax and enjoy it. There no fear for me that I am doing or saying the wrong thing. Or that the children will do some minor infraction resulting in unnecessary harsh punishments. It's very liberating.

Again I have been getting compliments at work about my abilities, this is amazing to me. As it was only 18months ago I was saying that I couldn't cope or learn anything new as my head was too full, I actually started to think I was stupid, or getting dementia or something. But here I am learning a whole new industry, taking on new challenges and getting praise for it.

I truly feel I am finding myself again. I have good days and bad days. But I am doing it. My fight now is for my DD to ensure her happiness.

RandomMess Sat 23-Nov-19 19:17:07

Please start the ball rolling in going back to court and getting cafcass involved.

Your poor poor DD sad

You are doing a great job KOKO thanks

awesmum Sat 23-Nov-19 20:59:16

I am don't worry. Currently gathering evidence at the moment.
It's going to get a whole lot harder when she goes full time to school. His new tactic of not taking her to nursery after the not telling me, then when told to by his solicitor was say she's not in. But I would respond with 'is she ok /ill?' Which he would ignore. Now he messages 'DD has decided not to go in.'
Another one of those things he wouldn't accept from my children but now does with her. Not fair on her either. She needs routine and stability. He's give her the routine of being unstable and controlling.

RandomMess Sat 23-Nov-19 21:09:18

The court order was that she was to attend... he is soooooo going to regret ignoring court!!!

Creating his own noose...

MotherOfDragonite Sun 24-Nov-19 17:36:44

Ugh. How awful for you all.

Is her nursery keeping a record of when she's absent and when she attends dressed inappropriately on his days?

MotherOfDragonite Sun 24-Nov-19 17:37:39

She is a toddler! She shouldn't be deciding what to do or not do...

Mrsmummy90 Tue 26-Nov-19 23:53:44

What an amazing update!!

I'm so sorry to hear that he is still a difficult cunt (especially with the way he is affecting your dd) but it sounds as if you are all doing so much better.

Tiddleypops Wed 27-Nov-19 06:02:40

@awesmum you are amazing. I'm so sorry you are still having to fight to protect your DD from the madness and chaos of exH (which you are handling so well, as ever). He really is bonkers isn't he?
Everything else in your update, about your realisation in 2018 about how unhappy you were and then to now - you are happy, thriving at work, DC are happy and relaxed, it has got me with tears streaming down my face, I'm so pleased for you grin

Also thank you, I'm more of a lurker than a poster, but there's a lot that resonates with me. You have inspired me on a bit more with my own situation, which at the moment is like wading through treacle and I've been feeling a bit hopeless recently, (divorcing alcoholic and abusive H, currently in the same house and he's now lost his job) but I look forward to the days where I feel free and relaxed and my home is a home smile Thank you for helping me remember that there is hope and a future flowers

awesmum Wed 27-Nov-19 20:09:52

@Tiddleypops I am so sorry you're going through that. It is so hard. But there is light at the end of the tunnel.thanks

The children and I are so excited for Christmas now, we are making plans and looking forward to things. Don't get me wrong I do have bad days, but those are few and far between. Gone are the days of sobbing my heart out because I was so low and so unhappy. Because I thought that I was wrong about everything and it was all my fault.

ExH is ignoring all the divorce stuff now, hoping I'll disappear.

I have to tell him this weekend that DD has given up her dummy and hope he doesn't give her one, she's not asked for one, but every time I have told him before - even the dr and dentist telling him he's still done it. Dick.

awesmum Thu 28-Nov-19 11:19:27

I have just had 2.5. Hour email 'conversation' with exH about DD - he's tried to intimidate and bully. Unfortunately for him I have all my facts straight and it hasn't worked. I have ended up copying in his solicitor to see his relentless emails.
I have to do hand over this afternoon and although I am completely nonplussed about the emails, I am worried about his reactions to me in handover. So I will call his solicitor and tell them I will drop her at nursery and he can pick her up from there.

On a good note the emails elicit 🙄 from me now - no longer shaking, or panic!! Yay!

TeaForTara Thu 28-Nov-19 11:28:42

I'm so pleased that his email bullying no longer has power over you. Please remember, though, that by definition his solicitor works for him, and has no obligation to you. If he is harassing you via email then copying them to the police might be more effective.

awesmum Thu 28-Nov-19 11:38:00

I have just copied her into the emails, simply so he can't lie when it goes back to court.
I have told him she's going to dropped off at nursery so he can pick her up at 4, his response was what time are thinking of dropping her off. Again a control thing, which I have ignored now.

TeaForTara Thu 28-Nov-19 11:48:44

Ok, well done. Definitely ignore that one.

RandomMess Thu 28-Nov-19 11:51:54

I would drop her if at 3.59 😂

awesmum Thu 28-Nov-19 20:03:22

@RandomMess I dropped her off at 10 to to avoid bumping into him grin

RandomMess Thu 28-Nov-19 20:12:12

And what time did he pick her up I wonder...

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