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Handhold -Told H I want a divorce, the rise and fall I am rising.

(62 Posts)
awesmum Sat 09-Nov-19 19:40:55

A long update for you all as to where I currently am with DC. You'll find the link to my previous posts below.

After the courts decision with access over DD, the animosity between us remains, I still have to record all hand overs as he still becomes abusive over, well anything he feels like. Normally when faced with someone who is either rude or cross my go to is be over nice, but with him is ignore ignore ignore. I look through him and say nothing. I always make sure I say the appropriate things to DD, 'Say hello/ bye bye to Daddy.' Etc. He can not be civil, or polite, I think he has managed once since we split, that was about 6 months ago when he mentioned she had a lump on her back, I said yes, it was a chicken pox scar. Anyway, DD is doing ok, she's still struggling with the situation, she comes home with lots of anger and shouting, how I am bad, how he keeps telling her what her name is over and over and questioning her on it, how she's going to work and sitting by herself and not going to school. How she must say things certain ways and that I am wrong. Currently it is what it is, he's again tried to break the court order with access. He sets deadlines of a day when he wants me to do something, but waits weeks to do something himself. It's all building up and I am just waiting a little longer before he blows it completely. I had an abusive email from him this week about my applying for her school place without him - we had agreed in court already which school, so I applied as per the court order, apparently I was wrong.
Unfortunately I am still rendered a shaking mess when I get the abuse but I don't react and ignore, but it's still unpleasant.

The older children are doing loads and loads better, they are not without their issues, but it is fairly evident to everyone, including DD11's friends mum's that she's now learning to express rather than repress, so sometimes it will come out wrong, so there is understanding. The oldest are doing great, we have rows which is great confused but they are being heard, they can express and we can all make up too. Which is immensely cathartic. They both have started relationships and bring their partners and friends around all the time which is heart warming.

The divorce, I had to put my foot down and made my solicitor send the paperwork to the court, he'd had 3+ months of time to think and respond with regular reminders, so it went, and it was sent out to him, he had till yesterday to respond- we'll see if he did at all (not holding my breath). So the battle continues.

In the last few months I have bumped into a few people that we knew together, some his friends, some ours. One hid her head in the boot of a car to avoid me, one was polite but very uncomfortable and one actually turned and ran when they saw me. I can't say this hasn't hurt, it has. Still not one person has made efforts to see even if the kids are ok. My name must be absolute mud. But as much as it smarts, being away from the constant degradation and humiliation far out weighs that.

As for me, well I am loving my job, I am making more and more friends, I am having people over, I am going to the gym, I am having fun, and peace. I am not fixed yet, but getting there.

In July 2018 I stood in the middle of a dance floor with all my friends and had a moment of clarity where I stood still watching my friends and realised 'I am so unhappy.' I was so desolate.
Last weekend I stood in the middle of a dance floor and had another moment of clarity 'My daughters are safe, my son is safe, I am at peace, this is what happy is.'

2018 seems so far away I can't even comprehend what we have all been through in the last 13 months. But we are here and we are doing we winning.

awesmum Sat 09-Nov-19 19:43:43

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3531414-handhold-told-h-i-want-a-divorce-the-fallout-and-rise-again-hopefully

pointythings Sat 09-Nov-19 20:55:52

awesmum you are amazing, and what a wonderful update. As someone who hasn't been through half of what you have (but knows what a bad marriage is like) I can completely relate to that feeling of recognising happiness. It came to me about a year after my H died too.

You will have a lot more fights on your hands, but you're doing everything right. Let him have the metaphorical rope to hang himself with. Continue going from strength to strength. flowers

aHintOfPercy Sat 09-Nov-19 21:30:14

Thank you so much for updating Awesmum. I was thinking about you yesterday as there is a current thread by a woman escaping a strange and controlling man and I thought she would benefit from reading your original thread, so I will link her to it. Your continuing strength and courage is an inspiration, and although you still have many battles to face you have come so far, and I'm sure you look back on your past as some sort of bad dream. Please continue to update. Keep on keeping on flowers

WhoKnewBeefStew Sat 09-Nov-19 21:39:05

Good to hear this update OP. I'd been following your threads and it's lovely to see a positive outcome

Weenurse Sat 09-Nov-19 21:44:32

Great update.
Just waiting for him to annoy the courts that much that they deny him access.
Keep copies of every thing for your lawyer

Treesinthewind Sat 09-Nov-19 21:51:25

You are an inspiration x

RandomMess Sat 09-Nov-19 21:58:23

It is good to hear from you. I really hope the courts wipe the floor with him over contact. With school around the corner he cannot just keep her at work and not take her etc.

I am glad you have survived and are thriving, the DC too.

You are a brave warrior!!!

queenrollo Mon 11-Nov-19 09:26:32

Thank you for the update. Keep going. Your strength through all of this has been inspiring, though I know at times you have felt far from strong.

MotherOfDragonite Mon 11-Nov-19 12:20:16

What a wonderful update. The contrast between now and then couldn't be starker -- your life sounds so much happier and healthier.

Keep on not reacting, keep the grey rock going even if you're shaken inside -- don't give him the satisfaction of a reaction. And hopefully it's all ammunition for the courts too.

purpleboy Mon 11-Nov-19 14:30:36

You've come so far, your an inspiration. thanks

AcrossthePond55 Mon 11-Nov-19 15:21:39

It's all about taking the bitter with the sweet, isn't it? You really do have a marvelous outlook on this.

If you don't mind my asking...what is this with DD's name? Is he calling her a completely different name? But even that aside, all you've written about the things he says to her about you screams of parental alienation. Is that part of your documentation for court? It's legally considered a form of child abuse here (USA) and has resulted in parents losing contact with their children.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 11-Nov-19 15:23:49

Your thread titles have reminded me of this poem. It was written with the black experience in mind, but I think it applies to any relationship where abuse and suppression has taken place.

www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46446/still-i-rise

Barmaid101 Mon 11-Nov-19 16:55:55

Amazing update! Been reading from the beginning and it’s amazing to see how far you have come!

LannieDuck Mon 11-Nov-19 22:49:18

Great to hear you're doing well. I fear it won't be a quick resolution, but you're all so much better off out than in.

HazelBite Mon 11-Nov-19 23:38:29

Thanks for the update, I have often wondered about you and how you and yours were doing.
You're doing okay flowers

BeUpStanding Tue 12-Nov-19 00:21:54

star

EleanorShellstrop100 Tue 12-Nov-19 05:46:20

This is amazing flowers

awesmum Tue 12-Nov-19 14:05:57

@AcrossthePond55 her name thing is ridiculous. My older 3 children all have my maiden name and he was desperate to have their names to be changed to his surname when we married so we all had the same name. A lovely idea if 1. You actually like the person you want to give your name to, 2. If your actually nice to those people, 3. Those people aren't absolutely terrified of you etc. So he asked the kids refused.
We do have a very unusual, but pretty surname which is steeped in history and a great tale, so not an easy open to give up, we constantly get comments on it and he's witnessed this.
DD obviously has his surname, as we were married. He name (not real one) is Laura Mary Harrison, since birth we've all called her Laura-Mary when calling speaking to her, she came home 2 weeks ago and I called her 'Laura-Mary' she shouted my name is Laura Harrison, I responded not thinking to much 'yes dear'. Anyway we carried on and throughout the week when one of us called her even just Laura she'd shout my name is 'Laura Harrison!' She was getting progressively more and more upset about it. It transpires her father has been on at her 'what's your name?', 'Your name is Laura Harrison.' Over and over to her.

Along with that we have '*I am* your family.' Daddy and Laura are family only. Daddy's house is home.

We spend the first 4 days bringing her down out of the rafters of highly strung, shouting, stamping of feet, throwing things and just generally her not being able control her emotions as she so pent up with unexploded frustration, of sitting in an office with him just talking at her or ignoring her it's down cruel. To have 3 days of chilled fun with lots of relaxed fun just in time for her to go back to his.

I am just doing massive amounts of positive speech to her about how well she's telling us if she's cross or sad without throwing or screaming which helps. She must be just in a gig of confusion. I know they learn to adjust.

But what I will say is this. My DD was 2 when she met him, he was all over her, even said she was his favourite over DD3, as she's such a great person, he always wanted her to be his and in truth treated

awesmum Tue 12-Nov-19 14:06:57

No differently to DD3, and now she refuses to see or speak to him.

AcrossthePond55 Tue 12-Nov-19 14:19:51

Well, I do think it's the beginning of parental alienation.

You may want to take a look at this:

www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/parental-alienation/

It may be something you want to raise with your solicitor and/or a family therapist. It needs to be nipped in the bud. DD is too young to be able to 'logic' her way out of what he's doing.

RandomMess Tue 12-Nov-19 14:34:23

You need to raise her distress with everyone sadsadsadsadsad

How long until it goes back to court and will cafcass be automatically involved again?

Can you speak to NSPCC and even Social Services about his behaviour is slipping back into failing to take her to nursery, keeping her at the office and making her repeat and learn inappropriate phrases and she is very distressed on her return?

awesmum Tue 12-Nov-19 14:44:49

It doesn't go back to court for her, unless one of us takes action to put it back in court. He's already threatened this last month over the holiday access arrangements. In the same letter from his email where we asked him not to pick her up early from nursery as it was 'legally' her time with mum till 4pm and he was picking her up at 2pm, his solicitors response was 'isn't it better for her to be spending time with her father than in school.' I was so shocked at this. It's obviously come from him not the solicitor.

But yes I think that I need to get back in contact with health visitors and everyone else about this.

I have had a ready of the Cafcass information and it is classic case of high level harmful conflict.

Dullardmullard Tue 12-Nov-19 15:20:58

So he's back taking her to work bloody hell I feel for you here truly do. isn't this in the court order he wasn't to do this?

I'd be taking it back to court as she'll be going to school soon for an education and learning and socialisation of her peers this is the same as nursery. What will he do then. will there be a change of access because of school.

He is a risk to her if he keeps at her over her name poor soul. yes seems petty but its the shouting and having to calm her on her return. someone above mentioned parental alienation yup thats begun fully and its heartbreaking to see.

is there anyone else that could do the handovers because of his abuse. Surely this is a risk too the child or are the SS still saying its conflict over access when it never was it was him being a controlling abusive cockwomble.

RandomMess Tue 12-Nov-19 15:35:16

I can't remember now, did you get a penal notice/power of arrest attached to the CO so if he doesn't return her the police can be involved etc?

If you do I would have thought that the nursery could refuse to allow him entry before is CO time? As in he can only legally collect her from 4pm...

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