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Almost divorced, starting to think I made a mistake

(9 Posts)
Ihavehadenoughalready Sat 09-Nov-19 14:30:25

Feeling a bit anxious as my car is in the shop and I'm housebound this weekend. Car repair bill is gonna be $$$$.

When the car failed, my first thought was to get advice from STBX, as we actually still own this car and his car jointly until settlement. I also thought if we were still together, we'd still have a second car and we'd have worked something out to drive each other to work.

Also dealing with daughter about to start college, thinking of all that entails support-wise and financially-wise, plus the expense of the divorce itself, all the paperwork involved, the splitting of the assets and the splitting of the children between our two households (me in apartment), the expense of the apartment, the expense of each of us paying our own utilities, the awkwardness of sharing custody of the children and trying to keep up on where they are with schoolwork, clothes, friends, bus schedules, after-school activities, therapy appointments for those of us having trouble dealing with the current situation, me not having enough money to put into the joint account as ordered and now this huge car expense, etc, etc, etc.

Am thinking how much easier it would have been for me not to file for divorce. How much farther ahead financially we both would have been, how I could still see my dog (I miss the dog as she still lives at the house with him). How the children would not have to go from place to place. How we could pool our money.

Am thinking I was the unreasonable one and he "wasn't that bad" like he was trying to tell me when I left.

But yes, he was that bad, I have to keep telling myself. But he's acting so calm and collected and reasonable right now that it makes me forget how much he hurt me and the financial abuse he put me through and his anger and shouting and how much I felt and still feel that I do not want to grow old with this man.

Someone out there please tell me it will all be worth it in the end?

I was feeling like I'm doing the right thing pretty much up until we started thinking about college and the car problem and the huge bill. We should have sold the car about two years ago to avoid this problem. Now we're stuck with it. Now I'm stuck with it; it's to be mine per the proposed settlement.

I'm feeling like I'm barely holding on financially. I know things will improve after the settlement; I won't have to pay as much to him as I have been contributing to joint expenses right now. I'm the higher earner so I will be paying him child support.

My credit card bill continues to rise, and that makes me very anxious as well; I'm one to always pay it off in full, which happened until we both charged our atty fees on what was to become my card only. (Another story, and part of the financial abuse, and will be dealt with in the settlement).

No I don't want to be married to him anymore, but yes, it would be so much easier for everyone if I hadn't filed for divorce.

Zofloramummy Sat 09-Nov-19 14:32:32

Would it though? You’d still be suffering financial abuse and living in an unhappy relationship every single day. Yes things are hard right now but they won’t always be. flowers

loveyoutothemoon Sat 09-Nov-19 14:48:34

Only you know that really, and it's hard to judge when we don't know to what extent "he was that bad".

nomoreclue Sat 09-Nov-19 14:56:06

Why is he still in the house? Is that part of the problem? That you’ve had to go through huge changes while his life has stayed the same? Could you leasehold a car? Get rid of this one and start again. College can be sorted with student loans that your child pays back when they go to work? I’m just thinking you are thinking too much about it all together. Deal with each bit individually. You left for a reason. Get yourself another dog if you miss your dog.

Ihavehadenoughalready Sat 09-Nov-19 14:58:43

Thank you Zoflora

Ihavehadenoughalready Sat 09-Nov-19 17:26:13

nomoreclue, he's in the house, I opted to leave. I can't have a dog where I am and working full time, wouldn't want to. Yes I agree I'm thinking of too much at once.

It's not just the expense of college; actually where she's going, it's minimal cost, but supporting her in other ways. She's having a very hard time deciding what to do with her life!

My plan is to trade in the car once it's in my name and lease one from then. The divorce is taking a long time (so far it's been 8 months). And I am having a hard time waiting.

TowelNumber42 Sat 09-Nov-19 17:29:43

It will get better. You are finding new ways of being. Growing pains. The divorce will happen, the financial settlement will be sorted, you'll be free and you'll have financial stability.

Ihavehadenoughalready Sat 09-Nov-19 17:32:01

Oh, and he's getting the house but then I get to keep almost all of my retirement funds. That's how I wanted it. I didn't want that house and all it's upkeep. But nothing's been signed yet.

Ihavehadenoughalready Sat 09-Nov-19 17:38:52

Thanks@TowelNumber42, that's what I need to hear.

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