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Is this gaslighting?

(12 Posts)
junipervraiment Sat 09-Nov-19 12:46:34

I have always done the majority of housework and cleaning 99%. Cooking, cleaning, staying up with the kids, washing up. The only thing he does is go to work and watch the kids one day a week when I work.
I find it very hard to get him to help me as he will not do anything unless I ask him a lot and he will always huff about it and take a Long time purposelfully to the point I just feel it's better to do myself.

This has been my normal but I want it to be where he helps me out, our children we're both I'll this week and he had the entire week of yet didn't make dinner once, didn't get up early with the kids or hoover or anything really. One day I was awake for 43 hours as I had to take my eldest to hospital and he still got his good nights sleep then lay in and asked me to make homemade chicken soup and was shocked when I was fuming. There is no thankyou or consideration and when I tell him I'm not happy at the distribution of workload he'll just snap 'go to bed then' and be moody or say he'll do it tomorrow as there's nothing that can be done today. Then never do it then when I point out that he never usually does it will say that I'm being unreasonable as he will be.

I feel so frustrated and don't bother speaking half the time but this week has been so much but I feel like I'm crazy

Mumshappy Sat 09-Nov-19 12:51:57

It's not gaslighting but hes a lazy bastard. Its whether or not you can put up with him longterm. Most people dont change even if temporarily they pretend to. Stop waiting on him for a start. Hes not your child. I personally could not live this this. I've ended relationships because it became apparent that this would be my life.

TheHonestTruth100 Sat 09-Nov-19 12:53:57

I'm not sure I'd class this as gaslighting but he is a lazy man child. How any man can think he can get away with disrespecting the mother of his children like that is beyond me.

You sound very unhappy OP, has he always been like this?

junipervraiment Sat 09-Nov-19 13:06:55

@TheHonestTruth100 yes it's always been like this. I usually ignore it but this week he's had off work and not once done the washing up or hoovered or made dinner and got his 8-9 hours of sleep and sat on the sofa napping because he's got a cold has frustrated me so much. I feel so run down and can't go out and feel Ill and get instantly shut down if I say anything. I've probably had maybe 15 hours sleep since Monday

12345kbm Sat 09-Nov-19 13:40:42

'I never let my DH lift a finger. I run around after him like a blue arsed fly because I'm a martyr from the 50s. Yet, I also expect him to 'help out' even though I've never expected him too. He probably doesn't have a clue how to rinse out a cup, because I've no doubt taken over from his mother. When I 'ask' him to lift a finger he sulks like the teenager he is. So my plan is, to carry on like this because whatever else could I do??????'

Never heard this before...

Heartburn888 Sun 10-Nov-19 08:49:17

Why don’t you go on strike and when he asks why tea isn’t made or why the washing up isn’t done or why he has no clean clothes say your sick to the back teeth and it’s proof that if you don’t do it NO ONE else will and everything goes to shit without your input and maybe it would be nice to have dinner made or the clothes put away for once etc etc. My dp has similar traits, but I pull him up on it every time so they are less frequent than yours and he will show gratitude for the house being clean and tidy.

I can totally sympathise with you, you are not asking for him to perform a deep cleanse of the house every 2 days but just a bit of help here and there so you both can have a bit of relaxing me time of an evening rather than one person being sat on their lazy arse while the other runs around like a blue arse fly, only to repeat the same jobs the following day!


MySonIsAlsoNamedBort Sun 10-Nov-19 08:52:49

Not gaslighting.
Just a manchild.

Tina0104 Sun 10-Nov-19 20:04:08

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lougle Sun 10-Nov-19 20:18:16

I think gaslighting has become the new narcissistic personality disorder on MN. It's not gaslighting, but it isn't acceptable behaviour.

Lozzerbmc Mon 11-Nov-19 00:09:57

Not gaslighting but he thinks you’re at home and he’s at work so you should do it all. But you need your break from the working week too.,, its a difficult one as often men cant/wont change. Can he cook? Can he do dinner at wknds?

Pinkbonbon Mon 11-Nov-19 00:43:57

Not gaslighting. Gaslighting would be if he said 'I'll do it tomorrow' and then tomorrow came and he didn't do it so you asked him why he didn't do it when he said he would - and he says 'I never said that'. Gaslighting is all about getting you to doubt your reality and wonder if you are going crazy. Or if you are controlling/over reacting ect...for expecting him to respect your feelings and not do nasty shit.

He is however, a lazy shiftless bastard who you need to stop pandering to. It isn't his job to 'help out', he isn't a four year old helping mummy. It's his job to do his fair friggin share. Stop letting him away with anything less.

BrassTactical Mon 11-Nov-19 00:50:07

No gaslighting is seriously fucking with your head to the extent where everything real just isn’t, it’s abusive and I wish MN didn’t use it so easily. Believe me it distorts reality and is awful and has long term impact.

What you have is a classic case of shiftless lazy wanker.

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