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Ex husband is engaged

(15 Posts)
QuestionableDanceMoves Fri 08-Nov-19 23:17:17

So exh left me for another woman in April 2017, our divorce we finalised in January 2018, went through family court for 2 years re his contact with the kids because of domestic violence- the order for that was finalised last month
He has been in a new relationship since August at the earliest- told me about it in late September because he’s planning on moving over an hour away to be with her, that then threw all the plans for contact with the kids up in the air because of the distance- he didn’t see the issue even though he was changing everything and led to a very fraught day at court trying to get an agreement in place.
Yesterday he text me and told me he’s now engaged and getting married in 4 months time.
It’s left me feeling totally bereft and I don’t understand why
I don’t want him, I have no feelings for him so why am I so bothered?
I admit I do feel like he’s trying to replace me, he refuses to see our kids alone now, she has to be there at all times so our eldest is refusing to go
I feel so so sad for the family that’s been lost, the father the kids don’t have and I want him to wake up and realise he’s losing his kids even though I know he won’t.
This woman knows nothing of our history or that he even had to go to court to get what limited contact he does have- social services stopped him seeing the kids in 2017 and he’s only been having direct contact since june this year.
Why do I feel so awful? How do I stop?

BumbleBeee69 Fri 08-Nov-19 23:27:37

You'r bereft because of the chaos and instability and mayhem you have endured at his hands for the past 2 years.. he's messed up your lives ..created uncertainty.. and all for what ? so he can walk off into the sunset with someone new without even looking back... Loser

Fuck him... take the Green Card and walk on by OP flowers

QuestionableDanceMoves Sat 09-Nov-19 07:49:59

Yes, you’re right, thank you. It’s not even just the last 2 years that have been a nightmare, it’s the last 6 since I was pregnant with our youngest. Lurching from drama to drama, always something else from him to deal with.

It’s been chaotic and so damaging to me and the kids, we need some time to heal but he won’t give it to us, he simply keeps piling on more and more madness

Doyoumind Sat 09-Nov-19 07:56:17

Without wanting to sound negative he will continue to create dramas and chaos. What you need to do and will do over time is change the way you react to him. It's really difficult when your DC are involved and you want to protect them but you can only control things from your end.

I think it's normal to feel angry and empty about him having a new life. He's moving on and leaving a mess behind him.

RegretnaGreen Sat 09-Nov-19 08:01:15

This is what you do. You watch and you wait. You never say a negative thing but you silently wait patiently for the leopards spots to ....stay the same.
My ex was abusive and eventually he left me for an OW. I felt like you OP. I felt so all at sea that I had to get a grip and I did this by biding my time and practicing a smug smile because people don't change their basic nature. Sure enough about eighteen months later a friend of his stopped me in the street and described his relationship with the OW and it was like he was describing our marriage. I have to admit that I had a smile like the Cheshire Cat for months.
Stay quiet or you will be deemed part of the problem with his new relationship. You will see in the end it was not your fault. He is fundamentally abusive and when he does it to someone else of his own volition, that there is your vindication.

Weenurse Sat 09-Nov-19 08:09:37

He is pushing his new relationship quickly. Maybe he does not think he can maintain control long term.
By pushing for marriage so soon, she will be trapped, then he can show his true colours.
Hoping that his moving away means less contact for DC and a more stable life for them and you.

QuestionableDanceMoves Sat 09-Nov-19 09:42:54

He still has no date for moving- just says it will be February at the latest, am hoping once he’s gone he loses interest in us all and let’s us be. He barely makes an effort now when he’s only 5 minutes away and the court order for contact once he’s moved is a paltry amount of time because that’s all he’d agree to so he may not bother.

He really is rushing the relationship and she’s a fool to let herself get swept up in it- you would’ve thought that at 40 years old she’d have more sense than to marry someone after knowing them a matter of months.
I won’t be saying anything, I already get blamed for everything that goes wrong in his life despite having nothing to do with any of it.
All I can do is what I’ve always done and be the sensible, responsible, stable parent the kids need

Just wish I didn’t feel so bothered by his news

ScreamingLadySutch Sat 09-Nov-19 10:42:32

Its all a process OP, just feel the grief you have a lot to be very sad about, especially the pain of your lovely children

Jingers5 Sat 09-Nov-19 10:51:55

Maybe his girlfriend is pregnant. Be glad that you are rid of him. It's tough on you and your kids. I would sit back and as previous poster has said watch, he will do the same to his new partner. Try and distance yourself emotionally from him. Be firm with your boundaries. Things can only get better for you and your children and things can only get worse for his new woman when she sees his true colours. Don't let him get to you. You have been through so much, focus on your future smile

letsdolunch321 Sat 09-Nov-19 11:00:48

Our divorce was made final in March, he married her in August. The final nail in the coffin for my kids were they were not invited to his wedding. His loss now as the kids and grandchild no longer have contact with their father.

Ride through this period OP. Keep everything together for your children. Eventually your dcs will learn their father is a first class wanker

GrumpyHoonMain Sat 09-Nov-19 11:03:41

Honestly it’s his loss.

Candlesandrust Sat 09-Nov-19 11:32:30

Why do exes take joy in a new partner being badly treated by their ex? I had this, I was not the OW, they'd been separated a long time before I met him, he was an abusive wanker. But his ex took great pleasure in gloating at me when he beat me up? Like I should have known and it served me right for being his new girlfriend? She felt vindicated, but that is bollocks, as I'd done nothing wrong to her (or him).

LunaTheCat Sat 09-Nov-19 11:41:57

So sorry this has happened to you😢.
Could you be grieving - not for what is but what could have been? Grieving for your kids who have lost any hope descent Dad.
Emotions are so complicated. You are allowed to fee
Plan some good stuff - meetings with friends, a walk, some yoga, a good book and a candle. Feed your soul. Use any energy for yourself. Look after yourself and your kids will be OK

QuestionableDanceMoves Sat 09-Nov-19 12:10:11

Candlesandrust I’m so sorry that happened to you. I certainly wouldn’t be revelling in any pain caused to this new woman by him but I can’t tell her what he’s really like as 1- I doubt she’d believe me and 2- he could pass it off as me making stuff up because I’m the jealous, bitter ex trying to cause trouble
I don’t think it’s right that he hasn’t told her about his debts or his family court history but it isn’t my place to say anything either.

Blobby10 Sat 09-Nov-19 19:17:53

@QuestionableDanceMoves I felt exactly the same when my ex got engaged and then married. We split up after twenty years and I didn’t want him back- the split was amicable and no one else was involved. We just didn’t want it spend any time together any more. We have three amazing children - all young adults- but I was hurt and confused about how he could move on from twenty years so quickly! I can’t because I don’t know exactly what went wrong and don’t want to risk doing the same again! He’s now married only four years after we split up- kids went to the wedding but queried how he can make a vow to love someone til death do us part when he said the same to me and didn’t 🥴
I have no intention of marrying or e en living with someone ever again x

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