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Cheating.. Can you save a marriage?

(17 Posts)
ErmExcuseMeNo Fri 08-Nov-19 13:00:38

Anyone tried to overcome an infedelity in their marriage?

How did you do it?

Do you think it's ever worth it to try?

2 weeks ago my spouse admitted to cheating, and I don't know what's for the best.

Some days I want to stay, some I want to leave.

Joy69 Fri 08-Nov-19 13:18:31

Depends if you feel that you can & if he's done it before in past relationships.
My advice is to come to your own conclusions, don't be swayed by everyone elses opinions, which you will have loads of.
I forgave my exh a couple of times (stupid, but I loved him) The day the penny dropped wasnt that he'd had an affair for 3 years, but when my step daughter told me that he had cheated on his first wife several times. It was like a moment of clarity, but I had to come to that decision myself.
Hugs & good luck whatever you decide to do flowersxx

GoodbyeRosie Fri 08-Nov-19 13:28:37

Yep, no-one can tell you what to do in this scenario, just do what you feel is right for you.

Things will change obviously; you will always be suspicious, and it will always be 'there' in your relationship - to pretend otherwise would be naive and counter productive to carrying on with a happy relationship.

There may also be factors in the cheating/infidelity that make it more easy for you to forgive - not every instance of cheating is the same.

Ultimately the issue always is ' why?' . It may not be the cheating that is the biggest problem in your relationship - if you have grown apart, want different things or the love has just disappeared then the forgiveness of cheating isn't going to make any difference.

Faith50 Fri 08-Nov-19 13:39:43

Yes. Sex was not involved - kissing. I was still traumatised for months.

Joint and individual counselling to assess why he did it. A lot of unresolved issues from childhood. Whilst no excuse it made me understand his vulnerability. We communicate more now than ever.

It was worth it but challenging and all consuming. I lost weight and felt suicidal for at least the first month.

Spouse confessed when there was no way I could find out. This helped.

How long did your dh's infidelity go on for?
Was it emotional/physical or both?
Does your dh love ow?
Has your dh cut contact?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 08-Nov-19 13:40:23

This is entirely up to you and what your deal-breakers are.
Was it a one night stand?
Was it a sustained affair and over how long?
Do you have DC together? (If not then is a total no-brainer)
Many couples can overcome cheating. It's a bloody long hard road though.
Is he being accountable for his own actions?
What has he said he will do to rebuild the trust?
Get the book 'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass and read it together!
He will also need to understand that you will need answers.
Truthful answers.
And he will need to answer them when ever you ask.
You may ask loads at the beginning.
It may be a year later and you need to know something.
Just know that you will never forget what he has done.
But if you want to move forward then you need to be prepared to forgive eventually!
I couldn't do it.
It's a total deal-breaker for me.
The heartbreak, the hurt, the physical pain in my heart. It just totally changed how I looked at him.
You will need some counselling on your own, no matter what you decide.
And IF you decide to try then you will eventually need counselling together to rebuild things.
What consequences has he had for his actions so far?
Is he still at home?
Are you still running around after him?

Do some googling.
Hysterical bonding
The 'Pick me' dance
Look at the 'baggage reclaim' site.

ErmExcuseMeNo Fri 08-Nov-19 13:50:02

Awh thanks for stopping by all flowers

So, it was a one time thing.
Yes we have children.
A deal breaker for me was always cheating.. But now I'm in the situation I don't even know.

There has been lots of raw and honest conversations.
He's accepted all fault and has not once tried to turn in on me (which I've read is quite common)
He has cut all contact but they do work at the same (very large very busy) company. Not together per se, but in the same warehouse. Doing different jobs.
He's removed his social media, and he doesn't have her phone number.

I'm really trying to not be a horrible person to him, you know? That's not me and I don't want to start spitting venom.

I am really hurt, mentally, emotionally and almost feels like a physical pain sometimes.

I almost feel like I'm grieving, and I don't even know if that's a "normal" reaction.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 08-Nov-19 14:05:48

That is all totally normal OP.
You are grieving, big time.
You've lost the man you loved.
You've lost the man you thought loved you and would never hurt you.
You've lost the man you trusted.
It's fucking heartbreaking.
And yes to physical pain.
It felt to me like someone had pushed their hand through my flesh to get to my heart. Then ripped it out. Then smashed it on the floor where it broke into a million pieces, and then just for good measure, they stomped all over it.
It takes a long time to repair a broken heart. I'm tearing up typing that because even 10+ years later it literally hurts to think about it.

With my ExH it was a sustained affair. I'm not sure how I would have reacted to a one-off.
He's not doing the usual of blaming you.
He's done everything he possibly can to cut contact with her.
He is taking full responsibility.
I really think you need some time.
You need to get away from him and get him out of your headspace and think things through.
It would be really good if you could reach out to a non-judgey friend. It really helps to talk things through in real life.
Could you get away this weekend?

It's totally crap. Right now and nothing we say will make you feel any better.
But it does get better.
Right now, look after yourself.
Eat if you can. I couldn't stomach solids but got by on sugary tea and ice-lollies. Soups would be good and smoothies.
I totally understand the pain you are in.
But only you can decide what happens next.
Thousands of couples get through this.
Thousands more don't.
Take time out for you this weekend though.
No knee-jerk reactions.
Take your time.
You do NOT have to make any decisions until you are good and ready to make them!

ErmExcuseMeNo Fri 08-Nov-19 14:20:57

Awh you're all so lovely!
I don't want to make any decisions I'm going to regret (either way!)
The day he told me, I immediately told him to get out, but then I told him he actually needed to stay so we could talk, because I needed answers.
He is giving me space, and I do have 4 very close friends who I've spoken to.
He's also told one close work friend (it was actually them who told him he needed to tell me and that's when he did) and he's told his mum and SD what he's done, too. (after he told me.. I never asked him to do this)
I do feel remorse from him, and he has answered all of my questions, even the really information seeking ones.
I just feel like I'm in a permanent state of confusion... And to top it all off, the day he told me, my house rabbit of 6 years died on me envysad it's been a bad cpl of weeks! lol

Theresa45 Sat 09-Nov-19 07:10:49

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Boltyarocket Sat 09-Nov-19 09:14:21

I don't think anyone gets over it in the marriage. I think people learn to accept that it's happened, that's the closest I've got anyway.

The usual rule when it's a work colleague is that the cheating spouse needs to find another job. Doesn't matter if they don't see each other, the thought of them breathing the same oxygen is hard enough. He shat where he ate so now he pays the price.

I'm 2 years in, and my marriage has become a marriage of convenience on my part. I weighed up the cost:benefit to getting a divorce and it wasn't worth it. It's a tolerable environment but i no longer love him. To be honest, even if I left I would never allow myself to love anyone but my kids again.

Take your time and look after yourself. You are not alone in this, so many people are in this club that no one wanted to join

DidntLikeRugbyAnyway Sat 09-Nov-19 09:37:35

It’s only been two weeks, that’s no time at all. You don’t have to rush into any decision and you are allowed to change your mind at any point. He also mustn’t pressure you into a decision or try and sweep it under carpet if you decide to stay.

user1481840227 Sat 09-Nov-19 21:33:57

I really don't think it's worth it unfortunately. So many women stay and endure lots of painful years and then leave later on and say they wished they'd left at the time.

You say he hasn't turned on you and you've read that that's quite common, they often don't turn on you until afterwards when some time passes and they decide that you should be over it by now!

Sorry that this happened to you!

sunshine5997 Sat 09-Nov-19 21:37:33

My (now) husband cheated over and over while I travelled 2.5 hours to his university.
I forgave, we got married (my Parents paid most
Of the Money) were now buying our
Own house. I have kind of
Forgiven but I don't think I'll ever forget. I'm only 22.

etimram Sat 09-Nov-19 21:43:07

You don't need to decide anything within a certain time limit.
Grieving is definately a natural reaction.
I would say make no permanent decisions now. You are still in shock. You need to come to terms with what you now know. That will take time.
Dontput pressure on yourself to decide your future now. Just live each day the best you can whilst you get your emotions and thought process on a more stable level.

Absolom Sun 10-Nov-19 00:40:06

Anyone tried to overcome an infedelity in their marriage?
Yes.

How did you do it?
Stayed together. It's ruined my life. I have no trust in anyone. I suffer anxiety and depression as a result and I will never forget it happened. I've wasted my life staying.

Do you think it's ever worth it to try?
No. My advice to anyone going through it is to do the opposite of what I did and leave. You can stay and work at it but it will never go away, you will never forget and it will keep popping up. You'll always wonder what he's really doing when he's working back or away for work etc.

Why should he get to have his cake and eat it to. Because by pretending to forget and continuing on that's exactly what he gets. So there's no motivation for him to not do it again.

Absolom Sun 10-Nov-19 00:47:40

I forgave, we got married (my Parents paid most
Of the Money) were now buying our
Own house. I have kind of
Forgiven but I don't think I'll ever forget. I'm only 22.

This I don't really get. I get those who are married and possibly have kids trying to continue on and pretend they're over it.

But for this to happen before you're even married and have commitments - multiple times - and still go ahead is puzzling to me. You're so young, you deserved better than that. I wonder why you thought you didn't? I have a feeling history will repeat before long if he got off repercussion free the last times.

beadybear Sun 10-Nov-19 00:56:26

How long have you been together? I think this is so different for everyone. Some can work things out. Others can't 😭

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