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Do I leave for unrequited love?

(17 Posts)
Lizzmc203 Thu 07-Nov-19 20:05:48

This is my first post. And a pretty long story with lots of history.

I'm married, for 12 years with DS age 11. Sex life with DH is non-existent which at 39 is a lot for me to take. This has fizzled gradually over the years to finally being out. I no longer want sex with DH either. I just wanted to be wanted.

For 8 years on and off I have been in contact with an old male friend. Mainly in secret. It's not hard as DH has little interest in what I am doing on my phone etc. He trusts me. I have seen him a few times recently and I adore him. He is an old flame and I have expressed feelings for him about 3 years ago when he lived far away. We fell out about it (he said he had nothing to offer me and lived 250 miles away, he thought I was being daft I think) and lost touch but we keep coming back to contacting each other. At most a few months without contact. He has now moved close to me (to be back near his family). He is single and has been on and off over the years we've been in touch.

I have seen him a couple of times recently and worry I will get caught having an affair when I'm not even having an affair! It's made me realise I probably shouldn't be with my husband if I can feel this way about someone else. The last time I saw him I told him afterwards that I wish he had kissed me and he said we are friends and not doing anything wrong. He doesnt want to kiss me now as I'm a friend. We do have history from being teenagers (he was my first) and we did kiss when we were first back in touch. But we have grown closer emotionally since then.

I cant be his friend like this behind DH back forever and I'm sure he will meet someone soon anyway but this has left me wondering what to do with my life. I know I want him, I dont know he wants me, it seems not. He tells me my friends are hot, not me (they are), he knows this will make me jealous. I'm really struggling by myself and I feel this whole situation is making me really struggle with everyday life and work. I dont even know where to start with leaving my husband, I 'left home' at 22 to be with him. I dont think I can afford to live alone. I dont know how I would cope. I dont know how I can do this to my DS and all the other friends and family this would shock and upset. And if I'm not leaving for someone else or just so I can be friends with someone else openly who I have feelings for, am I just ruining all our lives? Any advice would be really appreciated. Please be gentle as I know I'm in the wrong here, I'm the bad guy, but I am really struggling with it all and dont know how to fix it.

Whathewhatnow Thu 07-Nov-19 20:22:04

Leaving for someone else would be so much worse for everyone than just leaving because the relationship has run its course.

I don't think this guy is the man for you. He isn't making the right noises. Unless he is playing some elaborate game of trying to make you jealous... in which case.... he isn't the man for you.

But to answer your question. Don't stay with someone just because. Get counselling if you still actually like your partner, but the spark has gone; if you loathe him, leave gracefully. No joy in staying together for the sake of the children. Life is short.

CloudyWithAChance2 Thu 07-Nov-19 20:22:14

If you told the object of your desire how you feel and you want to be with him etc. And he told you straight nothing will ever happen, would you still want to leave your husband?

It’s clear your in an unhappy relationship, but many people can only find the strength to leave a marriage once they fall in love with someone else. If that option disappeared for you, would you have the strength or desire to leave?

TowelNumber42 Thu 07-Nov-19 20:27:32

Assume the new relationship won't happen then consider what you want. Maybe this is the wake up call that you want affection and a sex life really quite a lot. Plan your exit to be single and open to dating then decide what to do.

Whathewhatnow Thu 07-Nov-19 20:27:35

Very true what cloudy says. The other person is often a kind of impetus but not a solution. I had a couple of (ridiculous, secret, chaste) crushes before finally leaving my ex. All in my head but so useful, actually, for helping me see the wood for the trees.

Treesinthewind Thu 07-Nov-19 20:31:34

My first relationship went on from when I was 17 to 25. I kissed someone else and it made me realise I wasn’t happy with my ex. Part of me hoped something might happen with the person I kissed, but I knew even if it didn’t it was the right thing to do. Nothing happened but I am forever grateful that the kiss pushed me into leaving a relationship that wasn’t right. We didn’t have kids, but we did live together and had lots of mutual friends. It absolutely broke his heart but he is now happily married with kids and it was the right thing for both of us.

ChocoChunk1 Thu 07-Nov-19 20:32:10

You make friend is just that, a friend. I don't think he's interested in you in that way.

You sound like your self-esteem needs a boost. Like PP have said, counselling might help with that.

Lizzmc203 Fri 08-Nov-19 19:34:35

Thanks for the responses. I don't disagree with any. I think I need to speak to my husband in the first instance. At some point. If I dare.

ReanimatedSGB Fri 08-Nov-19 20:05:04

Well, your friend has told you very clearly - and politely - that he has no interest in a romantic or sexual relationship with you so you need to stop asking him for one.
It may well be that your crush on him has shown you that your marriage is beyond repair and that the best thing to do would be to end it as kindly and reasonably as you can. It is OK to leave a relationship that isn't working for you, even if the other person is a good person. You only get one life after all.

Lizzmc203 Sat 09-Nov-19 09:46:46

I know it does seem like hes been clear in what he says. But recently a call from him on my way home after we met up for the first time in 3 years, became more like phone sex. That was before he said just friends though. This is why I find it so confusing.

Thingsdogetbetter Sat 09-Nov-19 10:00:55

OM has made it clear you're just a friend to him. He's also made it clear he has no problem using you, as a friend, for phone sex, kissing and an ego boast. Those actions do NOT contradict the only friends statement. You, unfortunately, are allowing your feelings for him and desire for the affection missing in your marraige, to convince yourself that his (sleazy, manipulative and selfish) actions means he has strong feelings for you and is conflicted and fighting those feelings because he is being moral and selfless. You're projecting and he's taking advantage. He's neither a true friend who wants the best for you nor a potential partner should you leave your dh. I'd bet you, you wouldn't see if for dust if you told him you where single and available. A dalliance with an ego boasting unavailable woman is what he's up for, not even the commitment of a 'true' affair.

Zaphodsotherhead Sat 09-Nov-19 10:03:36

I know what it's like to feel lonely in a relationship. You seek out validation and affection from anywhere you can - to the extent that a hug from a virtual stranger reminds you of what's missing.

Your 'friend' is reminding you of what you are missing. You won't get it from him (it sounds as though you've got a crush on him just because he gives you attention), but you could find it elsewhere, but you have to leave your husband first. Don't stay because 'other people' would be shocked, it's you that has to live your life.

Anotherlongdrive Sat 09-Nov-19 10:58:15

So you have been hiding this for 8 years. You told the man how you felt 3 years ago and he turned you down?

And you dont think this situation may have anything to do with the decline of your marriage.

Maybe you need to read the heartfelt posts from women whose husbands have engaged in emotional affairs. The heart break when it's clear, their husbands have their mind somewhere else all the time.

Has it ever entered your head that your husband ianr interested because he has been picking up on all these indicators that actually, you are more invested in the drama with OM than your marriage?

Pickitup Sat 09-Nov-19 11:11:03

He's a player. Don't bother with him

dontgobaconmyheart Sat 09-Nov-19 15:17:53

OP I think ypu need to work on your sense of self esteem. You've been laying it on a plate to someone that continually rejects you and fancies your friends, even after they've said they don't want anything from you relationship wise. You've been trying to cheat on your DH for years so and would if you could get the guy half interested so why are you still in your marriage?

How was it 'like' phone sex? I think you run the risk of him using you because he's bored and you keep offering. If he had phone wex with you or even slept with you it wouldn't mean he wanted to repeat it or be with you. Sorry OP but I think you are under valuing yourself, this guy sounds like a dick anyway and I think it's about your unhappiness, not him. He's hardly the love of your life is he confused and you are 100% not his.

Stop fannying around over-analysing every move some bloke makes and prioritise your own life. Speak with your husband, separate, work on the self esteem and date if you want to, hopefully you'll find someone who has a bit more respect for you then. If you carry on your DH will presumably leave you anyway, so you may as well look into your finances, options etc.

Sexnotgender Sat 09-Nov-19 15:22:39

He sounds like he likes the attention but that’s all. If that’s worth throwing your marriage away for then go ahead.

RandomMess Sat 09-Nov-19 15:38:50

I think your marriage sounds dead but this 'friend' is a complete Dick and using you for his own ego.

I would end your marriage and be single for a long while to be happy on your own.

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