Advanced search


(32 Posts)
disconnecteddrifter Wed 06-Nov-19 22:50:34

I just moved in with my partner and 4 years his and my children. We were friends before we got together and I was mutual friends with his ex so they are not friends with me anymore. I feel like I have no one I can turn to and am embarrassed.
Tonight I said that I was unhappy because he buys things for his children and leaves us out. I get that he is upset with me because he thinks i always criticise him ans he likes to think of himself as a nice person. However he refuses to let me say how i feel tells me i am unhappy he does everything right and says that if it's not him it will be someone or something else. I said I want to communicate about issues and he starts laughing at me. I said yoire sneering at me and hold me in contempt he agrees and said it's because I'm either horrible or a joke. I asked him to leave as I canr have a relationship with someone who feels this way about me. Hr said here we go again yoire a joke etc and then hangs over me screaming at me. This makes me scream and have a panic attack which he mocks and continues to scream in my face.
I'm pretty sure this isnr right no matter what I have done to him? I have been googling whther I have personality disorder because he positions me as be fundamentally wrong in all levels. If I have then how am I suppose to be a good mother? I felt so scared of him looking over me mocking me and looked up womens aid and have reserved a hotel to live in with my kids for a few days so I can try to have some space.
I've only moved in for a month I dont know how I will afford another place and I am worried because he can be nice and I do love him when he is that I will be sucked in if he decides to be nice tomo or the end of the week etc.
I dont know what to do he says I am a joke shouted and screamed at me whilst I was naked in bed and had nowhere to go. Is this normal? Please help

OhioOhioOhio Wed 06-Nov-19 22:54:54

It's not normal. You are very lucky he is being so horrible to you and you can see it has to stop. He won't stop it. I promise you that I know he is doing it on purpose because he enjoys keeping you down. Do nothing tonight. But relax knowing that you are going to fix this.

1. Phone Women's Aid when you are in a safe and private place.

2. Do everything they tell you.

3. Remember. Always remember. He's a bastard. Don't forgive him. But he doesn't need to know that you are wise to his craft. Not yet anyway.

disconnecteddrifter Wed 06-Nov-19 23:08:20

He says that I always think the worst of him. How am I supposed to tell my kids who I have just moved here? Is shouting and laughing at someone abuse? What can womens aid do?

Interestedwoman Wed 06-Nov-19 23:23:29

'I have been googling whther I have personality disorder because he positions me as be fundamentally wrong in all levels.'

Please don't believe him. He's trying to break your self confidence, perhaps so he can better control you, or just because he enjoys it. You don't deserve this. xxx

disconnecteddrifter Wed 06-Nov-19 23:37:31

Its just so sad. He thinks he is fine and behaves brilliantly and will say that anger is the only way to get through to me. I feel like such a cliche and I could even be fine with that but my children just got moved and now we'll have to find somewhere else.

lexiepuppy Wed 06-Nov-19 23:41:48

It sounds like he has the personality disorder not you.
He is also very abusive and you need to phone Women's Aid, they will help you.

Do you have family and friends to support you through all this?

Sleepyhead19 Wed 06-Nov-19 23:46:09

You need to leave. He is being abusive. Do you have a family member you can go to with the kids? If it is this bad already, it will only get worse.

Pantsomime Wed 06-Nov-19 23:52:16

Don’t ever ever doubt your gut feelings - that’s the only screaming you should listen to- don’t let him drown your emotions out - this will never work — get out and don’t look back - he’s messing with your head- a nice person would never treat you like this- someone who Loves you would not do any of this

disconnecteddrifter Wed 06-Nov-19 23:56:02

I dont have friends or family locally. I have booked me ans kids a hotel I dont want to tell them what will I say? Hes screamed at me before but will say that I am the one who is faulty he cant handle the idea that hes not mr nice guy

disconnecteddrifter Wed 06-Nov-19 23:56:36

Thanks for your responses I have to be in work at 7 I csnt sleep and this is helping me

Pantsomime Thu 07-Nov-19 00:06:49

Imagine how you want your life to be ( and will be) and try to break it down into tiny steps to get there and fall asleep as you plan and take the first few away from him into your beautiful future with your DCs

LacedCocoa Thu 07-Nov-19 00:19:35

Sorry to hear about the way he's treating you and making you feel. I'm sensing deep down you already know its not acceptable but actually really horrible. And it guaranteed will only get worse as HE doesn't see it as an issue. Or uses anything as an excuse for HIS CHOICES (or learned behaviour).
Please call womens aid tomorrow, whether you feel like you can make a move now or not it will help ease your mind about what you're going through.

RantyAnty Thu 07-Nov-19 01:09:29

There's nothing wrong with you. He's a vile abuser.

Where did you live before you moved in?

As for your kids, they will very likely be relieved not to be exposed to his screaming and craziness anymore.

How old are your DC and are you working full time?

MsDogLady Thu 07-Nov-19 01:20:21

He is a controlling, bullying abuser. Please make plans to leave him ASAP. Your children will be damaged in this toxic environment.

disconnecteddrifter Thu 07-Nov-19 06:17:45

Thank you yes I know its unacceptable but have a nagging doubt that its normal all couples argue etc and hes under stress because I criticise him or it wont happen again because generally he mr nice guy. Plus it's a massive move for me to move again.
My kids are primary aged and were at their dads last night so they didnt see it. I work full time too 50hrs a week and am really trying to cope with life in general.
I have been in a physically abusive relationship before and managed to cut him off but we didnf share a mortgage and my kids were younger. Plus he always says my kids dad the reason we argued was because of me. He genuinely feels I'm in the wrong and will minimise it. Not that it matter because no one who loves you would say you're a joke and not listen to you let alone scream in your face.
I feel sick and so very tired.

Techway Thu 07-Nov-19 06:26:57

Where did you live before? Did you have to move schools?

It is definitely worth moving out as the relationship is not healthy. I am sure he was lovely to you before but now the mak has slipped. He has admitted he feels contempt for you. This isn't normal and a sign he feels he can treat you badly.

disconnecteddrifter Thu 07-Nov-19 06:34:09

I lived in the next town away kids didnt have to move schools so there is that. I will call womens aid today and in my head I have already started to disengage emotionally I cant live my life being treated with contempt but it's just the practical things that worry me and the upheaval to my kids
Thanks for all your support

12345kbm Thu 07-Nov-19 12:45:46

Well done for seeing this and for acting on it. You're an amazing mother.

Regarding practical things; there is an organisation called Gingerbread who have lots of resources on their website such as a benefits calculator, advice on maintenance, etc, they have a phone line where experts can talk to you about becoming a single parent.

Rights of Women offer free legal advice and can help regarding which documents to organise and how to move forward legally. The CABx have links to lots of organisations and a very comprehensive website that may be able to answer a lot of your questions. Like all charitable organisations, it may take a while to get an appointment but it's worth persisting.

OhioOhioOhio Thu 07-Nov-19 13:05:28

It's very difficult. But not as difficult as knowing you are being poisoned.

disconnecteddrifter Thu 07-Nov-19 17:25:16

Yeah hes acting like nothing has happened asked if I'm talking to him. It's so hard for about five mins after the message then distract and ok again. He will literally feel it is my fault and I'm overreacting hes a fucking arse all the ways hes let me down are going round my head but I still sad and empty like life has been sucked out from me

Techway Thu 07-Nov-19 18:05:08

Op, I moved my DC and had to change schools so understand the guilt but it has been absolutely the right thing to do.

Look up covert narcissism as the Jekyll & Hyde behaviour, highly sensitive to criticism and treating you with contempt are classic is your feelings of being completely drained.

That is the trouble with abuse, it wears you down so you don't feel able to change the situation but then it's a rapid downward spiral. Often partners will react badly to the abuse and then they label you end up hating yourself for who you have become.

The only way to live with someone like this is to accept his behaviours no matter how selfish or inconsiderate they are, lavish praise and voice any criticism in extremely gentle terms.

Essentially you have to put your needs and those of your children behind is no way to live and most people end up drained and depressed.

disconnecteddrifter Fri 08-Nov-19 17:02:46

Oh God he still manages to cut me in two from afar. Hes texted saying that he agrees it was abusive .... next text but he feels I was abusing him. Then he said why keep repeating what has happened and that he will forgive me but cant carry on like this it's no good for anyone. I feel like I'm going crazy it would be so much easier to just let it go and get on for now but this literally made me feel I was going crazy and had imagined it incorrectly (he said I was shouting at him which is true I was shouting help as I was scared) or that he is a sociopath it literally chilled my bones.

Zaphodsotherhead Fri 08-Nov-19 17:25:22

The rights and wrongs and who said what to whom are irrelevant. You are not happy and should leave.

For the record, I don't think it's you, I think he is an abusive twat who has homed in on a vulnerable woman, but it doesn't matter. You aren't happy. Move out. Don't worry about losing face, or what he will think, nothing else matters apart from you feeling safe and happy with your children.

Mmmmdanone Fri 08-Nov-19 20:45:28

Have you heard of DARVO? This is what he's doing. It messes with your head so badly. Keep believing in yourself and get away.

disconnecteddrifter Fri 08-Nov-19 21:46:58

God I'm looking it up. I cant understand how he can do this and not realise or he is fucking with me deliberately I would never have placed him like this. I have distracted myself by going out and having fun but I havent told my friends I'm basically shacked up with a narcissist.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »