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DP and his Ex's kid (not his)

(57 Posts)
honeybumsugarplum Wed 06-Nov-19 18:11:45

need to off load and I don't know if how im feeling is unreasonable or not.

im divorced with 2 children. Been with new boyfriend for around 18 months. He was with his ex who had a baby weeks after they got together (she had no idea she was pregnant (not his), gave birth after stomach cramps) he stuck around. they split when the child was around 4-5 years old. child is now 10. they never lived together

When he left his ex he told me he would be called that the child would scream and cry that she wasn't seeing him so he then saw her.

The child sees him and calls him daddy and dp gets 'daddy' gifts on birthday xmas an fathers day. He absolutely spoils this child, basically what child wants child gets, and easily spends up to £100 on the child every weekend, meals out toys etc, which can be heartbreaking for me when im with them with my children they watch this child asking for things and I have to say to no to mine cause I cant afford xyz. I brought this up with dp who said hed try to get child not to ask for things when we are around

at first I admired his involvement however as time has gone on im not sure how I feel anymore. iv learned that the biloical father wasn't on the scene but has been for the last few years now and the child sees the bioligcal dad maybe once a month (he lives far away)
me and dp once went to a local park where we saw this child with the biloical dad, looks were exchanged between the 'dads' and I found it extremely uncomfortable.
he obviously keeps in contact with his ex for the child and when they message she always very friendly and sends kisses and heart emojis which he doesn't do back and says theres no meaning from her in it but still makes me feel uncomfortable.. I mean I certainly wouldn't do that to my ex.. and as far as im aware they were both single for a few years til he got with me, to which she then sent him a message saying she didn't want him seeing me when he had her child as he "had other days to spend with your girlfriend"...dp respected that at first then told her that he was with me long term and I would be in his life from now on and I think she reluctantly agreed I could be around.

My dp has made it clear that he will not play a step dad role to my children which I respected as I was not looking for a new dad as they have their dad in their lives.

Dp has expesssed hed like a child of his own with me which I was open to but the more iv thought about it the more I don't agree with the logistics? if that's the word.... he had said in a passing comment to his exs child if we had a baby this child would have a brother or sister.. I do not see it this way atall. if im around this child I look after the child as my own but I have no feelings towards the child.. to me the child is just his exs child nothing more. Im starting to cringe when I hear the child referring to dp as daddy. the child knows dp is not the "real dad"
I certainly feel a divide, like he has his "family" with his ex and me and my children wont ever feel like a family with him..

I feel like the ex shouldn't have allowed him to still be known as daddy, especially as he left when the child was still young.. or is that just unreasonable of me.. im probably making no sense here.. I guess im strugging with the fact that hes heavily envolved with a child that's his exs and he left when the child was young, didn't live together etc and I feel like I wont be able to move on with him with OUR lives if hes still living in his exs past. I just don't know what to do.. I love him dearly but this situation is making me miserable but don't know if im just being unreasonable, selfish maybe? iv tried looking for advice on similar situation but haven't found anthing. iv tried to talk to DP abou how im feeling but hes not easy to talk to and doesn't see a problem

Smellbellina Wed 06-Nov-19 18:17:26

I think you just need to accept it for what it is and get over it really

Fannybaws52 Wed 06-Nov-19 18:19:29

Seriously? Run for the hills.

He isnt telling you the whole truth and why do your DC not deserve a step Dad? You'll never be a family with the his/her kid divide.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory Wed 06-Nov-19 18:21:24

You have to accept that he sees this child as his child. That’s essentially what their relationship is other than the blood connection. He raised her. It doesn’t sound like you can accept that though?

inlectorecumbit Wed 06-Nov-19 18:23:43

If you had a DC with this man there would be inequality in the treatment of the new DC and it's half siblings (your current DC).
Be wary...

honeybumsugarplum Wed 06-Nov-19 18:28:25

Thank you for your comments

I think the inequality is spot on.. i already feel that divide now.. hes lovely to my dc but its definetly different. Id hate for my dc to grow older and feel resentment that the 'stepdad' treated them differently to the child he calls his but isnt.. and a potential child thrown in the mix.. im not sure sad

onthecoins Wed 06-Nov-19 18:33:50

Yeah, I'd jack this one in.

funnylittlefloozie Wed 06-Nov-19 18:39:00

Does his name begin with C?

I went out very briefly with someone who was in a situation like this. He was nice, but the sheer weirdness of the situation, with him having EOW visits with a child who wasnt his... was too strange.

SpringFan Wed 06-Nov-19 18:40:03

He wants to have a baby with you, but he doesn't want to act as a stepfather to your children? How will that work? He will buy treats for his Ex's child and his own child but not your children. He really hasn't thought about it, does he intend that you will live together?
Why did he split with the Ex? I don't understand why he is so deeply involved with them, especially now the biological father is back on the scene.
I understand you love him dearly, despite him being difficult to talk to, but for me I think you need to consider the impact of his relationship with the Ex's child on your kids

Fidgety31 Wed 06-Nov-19 18:41:54

In reality he is the dad of the other child - regardless of whether he’s biologically related to it or not .
It sounds like you may be better suited to someone who doesn’t have kids of their own as you may always feel the need to compare how they are treated .

Screamqueenz Wed 06-Nov-19 18:43:57

I could fully accept that he was a very hands on step dad to his previous partners daughter, what I couldn't then accept is that he doesn't want to take a stepfather role with your own children.

I wouldn't have a child with this man, I don't think I'd even continue in a relationship.

spongedog Wed 06-Nov-19 18:44:11

you have only been seeing this man for 18 months and there is already conversation about children? Just slow down. There are already 3 children in the mix and he doesnt seem to want to be particularly involved with 2 of them. (And perhaps fair enough if he has supported another child that was not his own). You have 2 children - do you really want more? Are all the DC being properly financially supported, both financially and in time spent?

You dont say how old any of you are, but take your time, a long time. I would also run, but then i am much older with no prospect of any more children so perhaps that colours my view.

Anotherlongdrive Wed 06-Nov-19 18:48:30

I get why he doesnt want to be a step dad. He doesnt want to be in this position again, with another 2 children.

The situation with his exs child is just tough. He treats the child as though the child is his. That's it. If you dont like it, you need to split.

The test of the stuff like buying his child things etc is a common problem when trying to blend families. If you arent compatible in how you parent, you need to split.

Its not shocking he would like a biological child. If the relationship has shown you arent compatible, you need to split and let him find someone, who is happy with this.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls Wed 06-Nov-19 18:56:26

OP I think you are focusing so much on his relationship with his ex's child that you are actually missing some major red flags here.

My dp has made it clear that he will not play a step dad role to my children which I respected as I was not looking for a new dad as they have their dad in their lives.

Being a step-father does not mean replacing a biological dad particularly when your DC already have a relationship with their dad. It does however include becoming a supportive and loving person towards your children. I assume if he wanted a child with you he would want to live with you? I would worry that his statement meant that he had no intention of taking any active role with your children at all.

He may not want to financially support them directly in any way but bare in mind all potential long term future financial implications (situations such as receiving children benefit if he is a high earner or if your DC go to uni their maintenance allowance will be based on your household income as a whole. If he moved in and refused to contribute to the family household at all then this would be massively unreasonable.

He sounds as if he wants to continue to be part of his ex's child's life and that is commendable but I have no doubt their would be a massive difference in the way he treated your children.

You also mention he is not easy to talk to so I would definitely not be considering having a child or living with him at all.

Jennifer2r Wed 06-Nov-19 19:00:43

Jesus why are you talking about having more children.

Spied Wed 06-Nov-19 19:06:44

You can't have a baby with a man who doesn't want to have a step-father relationship with your DC- yet plays daddy role to another child.

Dollymixture22 Wed 06-Nov-19 19:15:54

Has he said why he doesn’t want to be step dad? Is he afraid if you broke up he could be locked out of their lives?

I think you are focused on the wrong think - it doesn’t matter if their is a dna link he considers himself the dad of this child. They are more important to him than your children and that is understandable.

However, it’s rude of him to but one child presents and treats I front of other children who aren’t getting the same. I am surprised he can’t see that.

You also need to explore what he means by not being step dad. Maybe he means he doesn’t want to become a full parent again to child who isn’t his. And I think if that’s the case it’s okay.

Ruderidinghood Thu 07-Nov-19 22:48:17

If you guys are all together with the kids everyone should get something not just his ex's kid that is totally unfair. And the fact he said he doesn't want to be step dad to yours is rude. So what is he gonna be to them if he sees you as long term? If you get married he will be step dad.

Find someone else OP. Someone who will treat all the children around fairly. It's BS.

IncrediblySadToo Thu 07-Nov-19 23:05:39

What Spied said

You can't have a baby with a man who doesn't want to have a step-father relationship with your DC- yet plays daddy role to another child.

...a child he never even lived with to boot!

He’s emotionally missing a few cogs.

Even without the other child, how could you contemplate having a child with a man who doesn’t want to be a family with your existing children.

Run...

Witchinaditch Fri 08-Nov-19 07:01:15

The ex’s child is his child, would you say this to him that the ex’s child isn’t really his? He’s been in their life since birth he is her father. I think you need to accept that and this child.

SimonJT Fri 08-Nov-19 07:07:49

You don’t have to share DNA with a child to be their parent.

It seems like neither of you are really suited to dating someone who already has children. He doesn’t want to be a step parent, you don’t want his child to be treated differently to your own. Those two things just aren’t going to work.

MotherofDogs3 Sat 09-Nov-19 10:32:38

He might not be the child's "biological" father but he is the child's father he raised him/her as his own.. so with regards to that i don't see why you have such a problem with their relationship?

The problem i can see here though which i can see where your coming from, is the fact he has said he wants a child with you but won't be a step dad to your other kids... thats would be a big issue and no no for me personally. If he wants to be apart of your life and have children with you, he needs to be apart of your childrens lives also. He doesn't have to play "dad" but still needs to be someone who will love and take care of your kids if this is to be long term.

LannieDuck Sat 09-Nov-19 11:16:30

He raised the child from a newborn for 5 years. The child absolutely sees him as a father. I think it would be really cruel of him to stop being involved.

However, he does need to work at integrating his interactions with his daughter into your lives - the two of you will need some consistency of parenting if your kids aren't going to resent each other. You can't treat one child differently to the others, and esp not in-front of each other.

Tooner Sat 09-Nov-19 11:30:53

While it is admirable he is still being a father to his non biological child he has put that child in a box and your children in another box (won't take on the roll as stepfather to your children....does he mean ever?).
Will there be a third box for any children you have together?
That would be too many boxes for my liking. You would never have a truly blended family which is unfair on all of the children

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 09-Nov-19 11:39:14

It’s too complicated. 18 months in things don’t look rosy even without this child in the frame if you can’t talk freely about your feelings. It’s sad but you’ll be better off walking away OP.

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