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Please help so confused and very vulnerable

(208 Posts)
sheryl77 Wed 06-Nov-19 13:15:50

Complicated situation, but I have no idea about a guy I dated for about six months. He’s basically a friend of the family and someone I work with, so it’s complicated in that I have to see him again.

It was kind of a mutual split, I felt he wasn’t feeling it anymore and we spoke and outlined both of our reasons for not wanting to continue. Basically, it’s to do with family ties and I am going through a divorce. We said we’d remain friends and he’s been in touch most days since we split about two months ago. He contacts me as soon as he wakes up and then throughout the day. We talk about work, life, etc and he’s still very flirtatious.

Went to a party a couple of weeks ago and he told my friend he was ‘waiting for reassurance’ for me to move things forward. He asked me if I was dating anyone last week via text and I didn’t respond directly.

Last contact was last Friday, usual convo and making jokes. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days which isn’t usual so then send him a text to which he replied he’s doing well and in America for a few days. I responded to tell him a couple of places he should visit whilst there and he hasn’t responded! I get I’m not his girlfriend, but I just think it’s disrespectful to ignore my texts (can see he has been online).

My family and his friends say he’s a good guy and last week he was telling me is feels lucky to be in my life and he’s told me a few weeks ago that he’s finding it hard to let me go and I made an ‘impact on his life’.

Is he starting to let me go now?

What should I do if he reaches out again? I can’t block him as don’t have the heart and need to maintain some civility as hes a friend of the family and I am his client. Yet, I don’t want someone messing about with my feelings as I am very vulnerable right now ☹

I don’t want to be at someone’s beck and call, but I just don’t know what hes thinking or how to react now.

Really appreciate some soft words and not harsh words as suffering from depression.

Shoxfordian Wed 06-Nov-19 13:25:20

If you really feel you can't block him then scale your conversations back as much as you can. Stop texting him as regularly, put him on mute if its whatsapp, try to distract yourself.

Highandlow Wed 06-Nov-19 13:31:56

Hi . I have depression too. Honestly I would go no contact . I had a similar situation to you . If he won’t commit etc there is no point. All these phrases are just words. My ‘ex’ liked to contact me day in day out , flirt with me etc but didn’t want me as a girlfriend . Have a bit of space and see how you both feel. You have to decide what you want . What is best for you OP?

sheryl77 Wed 06-Nov-19 13:35:17

Hi, I don’t know how I feel to be honest. I think it’s because I’m getting so many mixed signals. I def have feelings for him though which makes it worse. I can’t figure out if he has, whether he needs space and time but I know that I don’t want to be treated like crap! He gives me so much attention and then goes away on holiday without saying a word. Then ignores me but as I’m his friend can I expect more? I just feel I think that he’s toying with me a bit.

sheryl77 Wed 06-Nov-19 13:36:24

I do leave like one to four hour windows between text responses sometimes and he responds within minutes. I’ll scale back more, it’s just knowing now how to react if he texts me again :-(

sheryl77 Wed 06-Nov-19 13:37:58

I also said goodbye to him about a week ago via text as I said I think he’s finding it difficult to be just friends and he said he didn’t know what I was talking about! I know he’s very attracted to me and I don’t want to fall into being his option or back up plan!

Ekundayo Wed 06-Nov-19 13:42:00

OP, this post is all about wondering what he thinks or feels, rather than what you feel yourself. You even say that the split was mutual, but then qualify it by saying you felt he wasn’t into the relationship any more. Stop prioritising him. His feelings are not something you can control, and the fact that ‘everyone’ thinks he’s great and still has feelings for you is irrelevant. For your own peace of mind, you need to decide to let him go. Stop replying to his messages. Ignore his flirtatiousness. He can go back to just being a distant family friend/work acquaintance.

sheryl77 Wed 06-Nov-19 13:46:22

I understand. The issue is he’s my brothers best friend, not that he didn’t like me but he’s been conflicted the whole time as he said my brother won’t want us to be together.

The issue is, because I have feelings for him, I’m finding it hard to let him go :-( He’s the first person I’ve had a connection with for a very very long time. I was married for 17 year’s and because of how I feel for him, I’m struggling.

Ekundayo Wed 06-Nov-19 13:59:58

But again, OP, you’re talking about how he says your brother wouldn’t like you two being a couple — you’re your brother’s sister. Is this even true? If so, does it matter? And should your erstwhile boyfriend not have thought about this beforehand, rather than after you’d begun a relationship?

Stop behaving as though his feelings are Holy Writ, and yours are irrelevant! And honestly, this relationship/former relationship is way too difficult, with the involvement of your family, work, your apparent need to remain ‘civil’ etc. I would stay strong and bin it once and for all. It’s not doing you any favours emotionally.

sheryl77 Wed 06-Nov-19 14:10:48

@ekundayo - yes, completely true. HE contacted me and asked for my phone number and was flirting with me for months so he knew what he was getting into. No idea whether he's using my brother as an excuse, but this is the emotional turmoil I am stuck in analysing every single thing.

I guess what I want is closure (whether I will ever get it is another matter). We were due to have a talk but it hasn't happened.

I guess I just need my space as well to get clarity.

sheryl77 Wed 06-Nov-19 14:12:32

It''s affecting my self esteem as whilst I don't say I am better than anyone, I know that he landed lucky with me. Hes 38 and Im 42. More established, more attractive, etc. Don't judge me for saying this, but I just think to myself 'How could I not have been good enough' for him to want to pursue things?

Ekundayo Wed 06-Nov-19 14:16:29

Honestly, he comes across as a bit of a wanker, manipulative and thoughtless of your feelings, from what you say of him.

I understand the need for closure, but I think you are going to have to grant that to yourself, by making a decision you are finished with his game-playing. You are going to have to be the one who draws a line under it.

Bluerussian Wed 06-Nov-19 14:19:43

You are having space while he is away. There was no reason to run his trip abroad by you as you have split up.

Keep each other at a distance for now, you have enough to sort out. Let everything unfold naturally. Cut down on the texting!

If it doesn't work out with him you will eventually meet someone - but he does sound like a decent sort.

sheryl77 Wed 06-Nov-19 14:19:57

I did wonder whether he was manipulating me to be honest. I think maybe he did from the beginning. Talking about us meeting as 'destiny' and 'fate', sending me love hearts from his dinner when he was holiday and saying it was 'maybe for me' (this was a while ago).

I'm struggling because he's my brother's 'good friend' and he would die if he knew how he's treated me. We were at a party the other day at my brothers and he asked me if he could come home with me that evening. Yes, such deep love and respect for my brother.

Maybe he is a wanker and I need to let him go. Yes. Do the closure myself.

sheryl77 Wed 06-Nov-19 14:21:56

@bluerussian - agree. I wouldn't have ruined his trip, however, this is the point. He has no problem ignoring my texts, but I have enough respect for him to not want to ruin his trip.

Will keep him at a distance and try my best not to respond if he reaches out. I honestly have no idea what to say.

I understand if he wants his space, but a quick text to say that would of been lovely. I will just take my own space now and think about myself and not him.

sheryl77 Wed 06-Nov-19 14:22:34

And this is the issue, I've no idea if he is a wanker or a decent sort. I am very conflicted.

Highandlow Wed 06-Nov-19 14:28:40

Hi again Op. Don’t worry so much about other people (I.e your brother). Focus on you moving on.

sheryl77 Wed 06-Nov-19 14:30:24

@highandlow - I will try, its just not easy. I was at the point of falling in love with him :-(

sheryl77 Wed 06-Nov-19 14:32:19

I was at the point of telling him how I feel as he keeps asking me to open about my feelings. This is why I am not sure whether to proceed with this relationship or not. I guess only time will tell. in the meantime, I will try and maintain as much distance as possible.

Ekundayo Wed 06-Nov-19 14:41:07

This is why I am not sure whether to proceed with this relationship or not.

But from what you say it's already over, OP. You split up! You're not his girlfriend.

sheryl77 Wed 06-Nov-19 14:43:13

I am not, but feels like unfinished business because he told my friend he's waiting for reassurance from me to move forward. I don't know how I feel about it.

Ekundayo Wed 06-Nov-19 14:51:42

I'd ignore any communications about whether he wants to resume a relationship that were not directed straightforwardly to me -- the 'talking via a friend' stuff was old when we were all fifteen. Plus, given the fact that he seems very involved with your family and friends, isn't it likely he's just trying to make it sound as if you are the one who ended things, not him? He just doesn't want to look like the bad guy in front of your brother. Someone who genuinely regretted ending things would be talking directly and urgently to you.

category12 Wed 06-Nov-19 14:52:28

Oh come on, get real, you're not teenagers, you're 38 and 42 - your brother is obviously a red herring and a bullshit excuse.

He's enjoying having you on a string. He likes having your attention. He's totally playing with you.

Stop answering his texts. Just don't engage.

sheryl77 Wed 06-Nov-19 14:56:40

@ekundayo - My friend had had a few drinks and unfortunately approached the topic with him...I wasn't happy about it, she just had my best interests at heart.

To be honest, we have spoken in depth on the phone and via text when things ended.

I guess what I want is someone to fight for me and not be dropping hints to friends as you say, all he is doing is dropping subtle hints, I just don't know whether to move forward because of how I feel and I just don't want to go down a road where he could potentially hurt me again.

I've no idea how he feels but I know that I do care and potentially have deeper feelings than he knows about.

category12 Wed 06-Nov-19 14:59:12

I wouldn't put any weight on what he said to your friend - he was saying whatever he thought she wanted to hear.

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