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Can not believe this has happened to me, devastated & need your help..

(69 Posts)
ScoobyDooooo Sat 18-Aug-07 08:56:39

I need advice on the most awful situation which has just hit & nearly ruined mine & my childrens whole life. I was going to change my name but i just feel i don't want to.

On Tuesday i found out dp had been lieing to me, we have been together 6 years & have 2 wonderful children, i thought throughout our relationship we had both been honest & open, well i have it now comes to light dp has not

Over the past few months i have noticed we don't seem to have much money, also we had svaed money in a barclays account to pay for our new sofa which is due to arrive next week, we have a cash card to get this money out but it went missing, dp said he did not have it, i could not find it anywhere, i asked dp to order a new one so he did, anyway after about 1 week the new one went missing too so i thought i was honestly going mad, dp swore he did not have it & i could have sworn i had put it in a draw.

Anyway last weekend we sold our car cause we need to buy 2 cars as dp changed his job & had no transport in his new job. We sold the car & had the cash in envelopes all spread out for a family car, a car for dp & some left over money.

On Tuesday i went to the money & found that £460 was missing from dp's car money, i phoned him straight up & this is when the bombshell was dropped.

He said he was sorry & that for the past 12 months he had been on cocaine, i had no idea he said he had got into debt where he had been "ticking it" from the dealers & that they now wanted there money I had no idea this was happening, he was doing it in the day time at work then coming home & sleeping also because he could not do it in front of me he would drink & drink at weekends i had no idea of this either as we had been living at my mums for 9 months, he used to go by the back door where he used to smoke but he was downing small bottles of vodka.

He has lied to me on so many occassions all the way through the 12 months, i am destroyed inside, i honestly thought he would never ever do this to me, i trusted him & i think this is why he has got away with it for so long.

He has a past with drugs from about 10 years ago he was an addict but got through it & moved on with life, i was not with him then but when i met him i new he had a colourful past, i just honestly believed he would not go back there

He siad when we went on holiday last year to the isle of wight with my sister & her husband my sisters husband offered him a "line" of coke on the beach when they were having a drink & night fishing, he said he done it because of the situation he was in but ever since that night his body has craved it & this is why he got hooked again

I feel so let down by him the most but also my sisters husband who new his past & also knows he has an addictive personality, it also comes to light when we moved out of my mothers to where we are now, my brother & herself found loads of empty vodka bottles in her outhouse but decided not to tell me, my brother also new for the 12 months he was on it but not to the extent he was on it he helped him get it sometimes though.
I feel like someone should have told me, i could have supported him & been there for him but they all let me down.

I sent him away to his parents house on wednesday night but i cried, had panic attacks was sick because i can't live without him but i also feel i can't live with him because he has betrayed my trust, lied to me & broken my heart. Also this night i put ds (4.11) to bed & he said to me daddy has gone far away he is not allowed to go far away & he cried himself to sleep, he was truly devasted & i could not deal with his pain or mine.

I also blame myself a bit for this because i have had PND since dd was born & been probably very hard to live with

Please help me what would your advice be? my life is a mess

ScoobyDooooo Sat 18-Aug-07 08:57:49

I also must add dp's debt was £1300 & also he has spent fortunes over the past months!

Nbg Sat 18-Aug-07 09:01:11

Oh blimey Scooby

Well what do you want to do?

compo Sat 18-Aug-07 09:01:16

So sorry to hear what you are going through.
Has he promised to trya nd stay clean, go on some sort of programme for addicts?
Hopefully some one with experience will be along soon.

NormaStanleyFletcher Sat 18-Aug-07 09:03:01


Has he agreed to try to stop?

ScoobyDooooo Sat 18-Aug-07 09:03:42

He has been clean for about 3 weeks nnow so he actually stopped before i found out, he has also changed his job about 3 weeks ago which is good because he said it was at that job he was doing all day because they were all on it.

I have let him home for my kids sake & am trying to get through it but i just feel totally destroyed, heart broken & empty

ScoobyDooooo Sat 18-Aug-07 09:05:05

I honestly don't know how you get through soething like this, i was nieve i thought i could trust him but really once an addcit always an addict.

Mindles Sat 18-Aug-07 09:05:25

Hello ScoobyDoo, I'm really sorry this has happened to you. Can I suggest you contact Narcotics Anonymous? They will be able to give you some advice. I hope this gets better for you soon.

MascaraOHara Sat 18-Aug-07 09:05:41

I've just left my ex who had a long term cocaine habit so am probably not the best person to give advice but can I suggest you contact FRANK.. I found them very useful. They didn't tell me anything I didn't already know but they helped think about the impact of actions I might chose to take etc...

I think if his habit is severe enough for him to have run up so much debt then it is out of control. My ex was always in control of his use so slightly different. Can you get him to talk to his GP. Also if he had drug counselling before he should be able to contact his old drugs counsellor(?)

MascaraOHara Sat 18-Aug-07 09:07:58

Also FWIW it was the lying I could never get over. I didn't trust him in any aspect of our life because of the amount of lies he told about drinking and drugs.. which is silly really but that's what happens when people consistantly lie.. and lie so well.

Pinkchampagne Sat 18-Aug-07 09:08:08

Oh blimey, you poor thing, I'm not suprised you are devastated & feel so let down.

Not sure I can be of much help to you because I have no experience of this kind of thing, but couldn't ignore your thread.

I hope you get some good support.x

compo Sat 18-Aug-07 09:08:42

How about going to relationship counselling together to see if you can rebuild the broken trust?

ScoobyDooooo Sat 18-Aug-07 09:09:13

He has been to rehab before because he was in a terrible way this was about 10 years ago he was an addict worst possible, i was not with him then.
He has been clean for this long then 1 line offered to him & it became totally out of control.
He is going to go to the doctors, he now lives in a different area to back when he was an addcit before so he may need to get in touch with a new counciller?

allgonebellyup Sat 18-Aug-07 09:10:51

i know this wont help much, but at least he hasnt cheated on you or found another woman, it is really just that you are worried about the drugs, no?
and cocaine really isnt the worst drug at all, i know a lot of people who take it, but it must be the money side of things making you upset.
i would be too if all that money had gone missing and he lied about it!
most men are twats, you have to agree.
will you end it with him??

Nbg Sat 18-Aug-07 09:11:47

I was going to suggest calling Frank but MOhara beat me to it.

Also agree that some sort of relationship counselling would be good.

Has he explained to you why he did it again?

beansprout Sat 18-Aug-07 09:12:25

What does he want to do Scooby? What does he see as his next move? Does he want to go back into rehab? To NA or CA (Cocaine Anonymous) meetings?

Where are you?

He has had a relapse but it is entirely possible for him to get clean again with help and support, if he wants to. He has an awful lot to lose.

ScoobyDooooo Sat 18-Aug-07 09:12:58

I need to be with him, i love him & i know he loves me & the kids more than anything, i have sat & thought he can't love us because he would not have done it but this is just not true he is an addcit he has an addictive personality & is one of these people who is all or nothing.

His father knows & came straight to here to talk with us he stayed the night, he is just as shcoked but said we were all nieve to think he would "never" do it again.

I am going to talk to the doctors with regards to councilling.

I have had an issue with trust & liars from my past this is why i think this is going to destroy me

Today i feel weak & upset yesterday was not so bad.

beansprout Sat 18-Aug-07 09:16:03

Scooby - this is very, very hard, but this relapse is not because of something you have done and it isn't because he wants to hurt you. Addiction is a terrible illness. Yes, one line can trigger a relapse like this (or worse). This is why some alcoholics can never drink again (even though some people seem to think they should!).

Can you talk to his parents? It sounds like they are being very supportive and will be hurting as much as you.

ScoobyDooooo Sat 18-Aug-07 09:18:43

He wants to stop well he has but we can not afford for him to relapse again because it will pull our family apart.

I know it is not the worst addiction but in his past he was a heroin addcit so he has been to the wrost route & came out fighting he really is lucky to be alive, this is why even if it is cocaine it is bad for him because he knows how far it could of gone.

Obviously the money has upset me because he used all our savings & all our sofa money & part of his car money. Money is not the be all & end all & to be honest i am over that really, it is the lieing for 12 months, the deceit & making me think i am going mad

He said he wants his family, when i sent him to his parents because i could not bear to look at him he realised how much he was losing & said he was ashamed & destroyed by what had happened, i felt his pain, he sat & cried & said he does not know why he done it, it was a matter of someone offered him that 1 line & his body craved it, he liked the feeling & wanted to carry on, he knows i will not stand by him if he wants to go down that route, i have my children they are my priortiy.

winnie Sat 18-Aug-07 09:19:00

ScoobyDooooo, I don't really have anything to add but as the impact of drug taking has had an enormous impact on my families lives (dd is the user) and xh was a compulsive liar about money which destroyed all trust I empathise with what you are going through. I think you need to think about how you feel before you can even begin to deal with practicalities and where you go from here. best wishes

MarshaBrady Sat 18-Aug-07 09:20:43

Scooby reading your posts I do think your marriage / family can survive this. I know you're scared and broken and sad,but you clearly all love eachother, it just might take some work, your dh needs to rebuild your trust.
Seeing a counsellor could help mend some of the broken trust.

KaySamuels Sat 18-Aug-07 09:21:25

Oh you poor thing, I can totally understand that is the lies you are finding devasting, they have been going on for a while and you're firmly have assisted him with these lies. My DP broke my trust a while ago, nothing major, but lies where told that got found out, and I was devasted too (also had a lot of trust in him).I totally understand that hollow feeling you describe.

If you are trying to work through it then you need a plan together that he will stick with, ie drugs counselling for himself and maybe relate for the two of you to work on trust issues. Maybe also you should control the finances for a while. Perhaps a certain amount of cash each every month and nything else has to be agreed between you. Especially as you will hae a debt to be paying off. I hope you work it out, and keep asking for support, we are all here for you.

MarshaBrady Sat 18-Aug-07 09:22:45

Actually reading winnie's post, I admit I have no experience, or probably sodding idea. sorry! I can't imagine how hard it is

ScoobyDooooo Sat 18-Aug-07 09:22:58

I have been talking to his parents especially his dad because his dad got him through his addcition 10 years ago, his dad is fantastic, he was straight here, he calmed me when i was having panic attacks & says he is so so sorry & wishes he had a magic wond but he has'nt.

I feel a bit responisble because i feel i should have been on the ball i have been nieve, unsupportive, i suppose in a way i have thought he was strong, i have Pnd & have been trying to deal with my own selfish problems

Oh god my life is in tatters, i am still utterly shocked.

I will phone the places suggested but would like to do it when dp is not here.

naughtynoonoo Sat 18-Aug-07 09:24:44

Sooo sorry that this has happened to you and hope that you can both work things out and that you dp gets all the support he needs. Don't blame yourself though.

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