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DP says he doesn't want to use the word love anymore?

(192 Posts)
PeriChicken340 Tue 05-Nov-19 18:36:49

DP (27) and I have been together just less than a year having lived with each other for part of that (we started off as flat mates) and are now in a LDR, seeing each other once a month.

It started out with both of us saying we didn't want to do long distance... fast forward several months and he tells me he loves me but it still has to end when I move. Fast forward a couple of more months and we are on holiday together and he tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me having thought and that I'm worth it etc and wants to do long distance.

So I move and its a struggle because he gets a lot more out of being together which is understandable and we've only had one heated discussion since we got together - in which he is always reassuring - "remember I still love you and want to be with you" etc.

So we just get on with our lives messaging everyday, loving messages and I feel loved and cared for and especially when we are together. He has always said the word love to him is important and we don't (or didn't :/) say it everyday because then it would become "meaningless" if its just thrown around. It never bothered me because I would hear it sometimes and he would always be reassuring when we were having a tricky LDR day. Point being I felt treated so great and we've both said we want it to be long term - proposing "makes sense" with me which hasn't with previous relationships as does having children.

ANYWAY so everything was fine and then he goes away on a silent retreat for 10 days with no contact. He sets up 20 lovely scheduled emails to arrive every morning and evening and we see each other on Sunday, the day he comes back.

Everything was normal, we were cuddling etc and he was telling me all about his experience and then says he wants to talk because some things haven't been working.

He says he wants to feel like he can express how he really feels more freely because sometimes its hard to feel authentic in his loving messages when we are long distance and its starting to be draining and making him anxious. I say no problem, how do you imagine it being different? THEN he says that he cant say "I love you" as he was before because by his definition of it, he only feels it "sometimes" and it is so "sacred".

I fly off the handle basically and it gets heated. I ask (fml) and he says he doesn't really get upset at the thought of us not being together because "if there were a situation in which we broke up then it would be a good reason that would make us both happier...so I wouldn't feel very upset" and "well I'm happy by myself, I don't need you so I would be fine by myself... but it doesn't mean I don't want to be with you". He says he doesn't really look forward to seeing me until the day before but thats fine because its "like that with everyone" and "I don't really miss anyone".

He says he has to be honest and tell me this because he "wants to spend his life with me". I describe what I mean when I say I love him - he says that he feels all of that but can't say it in that context because it doesn't "come naturally" to him and "as soon as expectations are placed on the word it becomes anxiety provoking and draining and I start to disengage if I don't feel I can express myself freely without expectation". But still, he "loves us" and being with me...

But he still feels all those things for me that I would consider love. He just wants to use other words and will say love when he feels it.

So I went to bed yesterday (left his place yesterday morning) having spoken to him until 2am with tears streaming down my face.

I feel lied to and betrayed and I cannot emotionally understand it at all.

He sent me an objectively nice message this morning basically saying that he wants to move forward and find something that works because he wants it to work... "thank you for being you" etc and being able to have a difficult and painful conversation is "testament to us" and we are "still a team" and wants to plan what to do when he is meant to come up in a couple of weeks.

I replied saying I was hurting a lot and need space - to which he said okay and he doesn't want to cause me misery and wishes he was with me to hold me and give me a kiss and tell me everything would be okay (when in the past he would say he loved me Dsmile.

Is he just processing shit from his (up and down) retreat experience and overthinking and communicating poorly after having not been able to for 10 days, or is this a serious issue? Logically it makes sense... I just feel so shit sad

Lots more was exchanged if any more info needed but I'm aware I've written half of my upcoming assignment!

Thanks for any insight and advice :/

DowntonCrabby Tue 05-Nov-19 18:40:16

Walk run away, what a head fuck!

KnickerBockerAndrew Tue 05-Nov-19 18:42:14

He is playing with your feelings. He wants you to cry and beg. I've read a lot on mn but this man takes the biscuit.
You deserve better.

annonymousse Tue 05-Nov-19 18:44:02

Leave and find someone who loves you ALL the time and who misses you when you're not there. Don't settle for this idiot

Whatsnewpussyhat Tue 05-Nov-19 18:44:50

10 day retreat my arse.
You need to find your self respect and tell him to fuck off. You only see each other once a month.
Him not wanting to say he loves you and he would be fine if you split tells you all you need to know. All the bullshit about wanting to propose etc is to keep you hanging on as a spare until he is settled.

Celebelly Tue 05-Nov-19 18:46:53

What a load of wanky bollocks he's spouting. Give him the side eye and tell him you're embarrassed for him. Then tell him to fuck off.

HeddaGarbled Tue 05-Nov-19 18:47:06

He’s full of pseudo-enlightened shit and I think you should dump him just for being able to spout all this nonsense with a straight face. How did you manage not to laugh?

Hazardd Tue 05-Nov-19 18:48:40

He's a bit of a shit really.

category12 Tue 05-Nov-19 18:50:24

It shouldn't be this hard.

And I'd have little patience with all this pretentious guff he's laying on you.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger Tue 05-Nov-19 18:51:47

What a knob. You can do better op.

AltheaVestr1t Tue 05-Nov-19 18:53:06

*He’s full of pseudo-enlightened shit* - This.

Savingforarainyday Tue 05-Nov-19 18:55:45

Hmmm

Sounds like he's setting you up for a lifetime of being held at arms length

Aquamarine1029 Tue 05-Nov-19 18:56:59

Run for your life. You've wasted enough time on this fuckwit already.

DriftingLeaves Tue 05-Nov-19 18:57:26

Another vote for wanky bollocks.

PeriChicken340 Tue 05-Nov-19 19:00:12

You all sound so right... its so hard because his actions are speaking the opposite?! Why would someone put so much effort in generally and when we are together then to spout this crap?

TimeforanotherChange Tue 05-Nov-19 19:01:27

He’s full of pseudo-enlightened shit and I think you should dump him just for being able to spout all this nonsense with a straight face. How did you manage not to laugh?

This is perfect! (As is wanky bollocks, to be honest).

He's an utter poseur.

PeriChicken340 Tue 05-Nov-19 19:03:04

Do I even let him come up to see me next weekend?

BoomyBooms Tue 05-Nov-19 19:03:43

He just spun you a load of bullshit, it's not enlightened, it's the same crap cowardly men have been spouting for hundreds of years.

It sounds like he's not into the relationship any more and he's trying to slowly dig his way out but he's dressing it up in all this bullshit. Lots of men don't leave until they have another woman lined up, but it sounds like he is at least halfway out the door OP.

I'd say I feel sorry for you but I dont, this is an opportunity for you to demonstrate some really strong self love and demand more from life and relationships than he is giving you. You will only move onwards and upwards and find a man who wants to yell that he loves you from the rooftops!!

BoomyBooms Tue 05-Nov-19 19:05:02

Nope don't let him come see you..plan yourself a you weekend. Spa day, takeaways, chocolate, shopping for things you like.... Enlist friends and surround yourself with awesomeness x

firstimemamma Tue 05-Nov-19 19:05:24

"Why would someone put so much effort in generally and when we are together then to spout this crap?"

Because he seems to like playing games.

LTB and find someone who truly loves you and wants to tell you every day.

ArfArfBarf Tue 05-Nov-19 19:05:30

What a self important bore he is.

HerewardTheWoke Tue 05-Nov-19 19:06:04

He's punishing you for moving, which is hardly the behaviour of a loving partner.

You say you're doing an assignment - did you move away to go to university?

DontCallMeDaisy Tue 05-Nov-19 19:06:06

Wow what a wonderfully free spirit he is! Not.

He sounds like a massive dick. Don't try and decipher what he's saying, he doesn't even really know.

All you need to know is that he is over dramatising what should be simple. When two people love each other and want to be together, they say it, they look forward to seeing each other, they miss each other and would be hurt if the relationship ended.

All this your my definition and my definition of love is different is bollocks. And it's especially knobbish to change your definition halfway through.

Do you really want to be with such a dweeb?

LittleCandle Tue 05-Nov-19 19:07:18

Tell him its over - you don't need him controlling your life like this. I agree with everyone else. You can do so much better than him!

AnnaMagnani Tue 05-Nov-19 19:10:50

He's a shit. I've done LDR for 3 years to the man who is now my DH.

It's hard work but not that hard work. We both knew what love was FFS

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