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Partner lying about friends sister

(22 Posts)
CottonBudBows Tue 05-Nov-19 01:32:54

Hi all x
My partner and I are going through a bit of a difficult time. a few weeks ago after spending most Saturdays with his friend working on cars I was looking forward to having him home for a weekend as he is a lorry driver and is away all week. Then on the Wednesday he said he totally forgot but he’d agreed to take his friends sister and mother to IKEA for the day. I was a bit upset but I said okay as he said he was doing his friend this favour because he helped him out so much with his car and van and it was the least he could do. I’ve been going through a hard time anyway because I feel like I’ve lost all my friends after my one son has gone up to senior school and I just don’t see them as much as I did and I’ve been feeling lonely. I was dwelling on the fact he was taking two women that I don’t really know out for the day whilst I’m stuck at home again on my own again with the kids whilst it is pouring down outside I don’t drive so I’m just like a prisoner sat around waiting for him to come home. It all came to a head that night and I got upset about it I ended up having a breakdown and telling him how lonely I’ve been feeling and that his friend had gone to a wedding and Instead of spending that time with his family he is doing favours for his friends family! and I just wanted more loving support and reassurance. So I’ve been on edge for the last few weeks my anxiety has been bad but I have been trying to make more of an effort to talk and text him even sending sexy texts and pics to try to be closer and less lonely and I thought we were doing good. Then Saturday he got really drunk after having a bad day at work and I saw that he’s had a message from this woman so once he went to bed I looked at his phone and read all the messages and it turns out it was him who offered to take her to IKEA and not her brother at all asking him for a favour and he was planning on taking just her and then mid week she had asked if her mum could come so there was no plan to take the both of them in the first place just her and that’s when he told me so why not tell me before why pretend he’d forgotten as they were texting daily to say not long etc. said. And then the most recent messages were him offering to take her again! As she had bought the wrong size shelves for something.
I know I shouldn’t of done it I’ve never done it before but because I’ve been so low and so anxious about things lately it I think I just got paranoid but I told him I had read it and he said he didn’t mind me looking at his phone and he said that he had nothing to hide. I told him to re read the messages and tell me what he would think if it was a male sending those to me. So he starts crying and telling me nothing is going on and I’m the love of his life doesn’t want to lose me and all that jazz and that’s all well and good he can say sorry as much as he wants but he’s always saying is that he doesn’t fancy her was just trying to help her out. But I can’t help thinking that he does. So because he is so upset I end up saying don’t worry about it I forgive you I know nothing is happening it’s all okay we are okay and I’m offering him love and comfort and support when I think he’s the one he’s acting out of order so inside I’m still really angry and I feel like I can’t even say anything now because he’s acting so upset I could really use some advice on this please or even just your perspectives from an outside you So because he’s so upset that I end up saying don’t worry about it I forgive you I know nothing is happening it’s all okay we are okay and I’m offering him comfort and support when I think he’s the one he’s acting out of order so inside I’m still really angry and I feel like I can’t even say anything now because he’s acting so upset and now he’s away again till Friday and I can’t sleep and I feel so anxious about it all. I could really use some advice on this please or even just your perspectives from an outside view xxx

LendAnEar Tue 05-Nov-19 01:41:05

He's upset because he's been caught out. He's turning on the tears to deflect from the situation and it's worked!

IMO he has crossed a line and if he's just a boyfriend, I'd dump him. If this was my husband I might still kick him out. He's sending out feelers and that's betrayal in my eyes.

Sorry you're upset OP flowers

P.S. Did he/Will he still take her to IKEA???

Interestedwoman Tue 05-Nov-19 01:41:10

You did nothing wrong, in fact I think you should've put your foot down harder (easier said than done, I know. He lied to you, or spun the truth, and it involved another woman. I'd be crap at it myself, so I know it's easier said than done, but I think you should be firm with him- you could tell him he shouldn't lie at least, it sounds like he hasn't even come out with an excuse for lying.

At least you know she's probably not that keen-she wanted him to bring her mum along smile

Hugs and so sorry you're going through this xxx

MsPotterPepper Tue 05-Nov-19 01:41:15

He wants to shag her and has probably shagged many other women whilst he's away.

Just dump him, you'd be a damned fool to continue a relationship with this man.

CottonBudBows Tue 05-Nov-19 01:50:28

I would rather fight for my relationship we have been together for 23 years and have never been through anything like this before So I am struggling on how to handle it x thanks for the replies xxx

holidays987 Tue 05-Nov-19 01:56:00

Sounds like he was lining up an affair.
He wouldn't have told you about it. It's lucky you found the messages. Now he's turning on the water works because he's been rumbled.

It's pretty brazen of him to take her to Ikea and create this back story about the brother / favour, he didn't think twice about lying to you so it's probably not the first time!

CottonBudBows Tue 05-Nov-19 01:57:11

Lol no he will not be taking her to IKEA and if he does he will have to kit himself out with a new households worth of stuff! X

Mintjulia Tue 05-Nov-19 02:04:58

I agree with pp that she’s not interested if she wanted to bring her mum along so you don’t need to worry about her.

You sound very dependent on him though, for support, company, transport...
I think you need to shake your life up a bit, learn to drive or beef up your social life. Definitely give your confidence a bit of a boost. brew

CottonBudBows Tue 05-Nov-19 02:13:30

Thank you mintjulia x brilliant bit of advice and your right since my son has gone to high school my social life has dwindled to nowt and probably not helping at all x
And as part of his big apology and trying to make amends he did say he would get me driving lessons for Xmas so maybe I need to take him up on that.

StVincent Tue 05-Nov-19 02:20:03

Hate to ask but are you sure all those weekends were spent working on cars?

RantyAnty Tue 05-Nov-19 02:28:07

How old are your other DC at home?

It sounds like she's definitely not interested in him.

I imagine she wasn't an elderly senior who really could use some help was she?

CottonBudBows Tue 05-Nov-19 02:29:23

Thanks for asking x but yes I am sure about the weekends. I don’t think anything has happened and I don’t think she’s out to get my man or anything even if he does have a thing for her. I just hate being lied to and deceived it really gets to me like I’m a fool.

CottonBudBows Tue 05-Nov-19 02:31:34

Lol no she’s a twenty something single parent so yes she probs could do with the help but she does have four brothers x
We have 3 dc g22 b12 b9 x

RantyAnty Tue 05-Nov-19 02:36:27

Figured that OP. Guys are about as deep as a water drop. smile

Have you thought about getting a job or taking some training for yourself? Something to get out of the house and make some new friends.

BitOfFun Tue 05-Nov-19 02:36:52

Is there any chance you could summarise it in a paragraph or so?

CottonBudBows Tue 05-Nov-19 02:44:02

I do work and have friends I should probs make more of an effort to get out really x

Yes bitofun sorry was a bit of a lengthy rant just needed to get it out blush x

BitOfFun Tue 05-Nov-19 02:46:24

No worries- I hope you get some useful advice!

Theresa45 Sat 09-Nov-19 07:12:13

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

category12 Sat 09-Nov-19 07:30:15

Take him up on the driving lessons and start working on your social life and independence.

Call this a wake up call. Always better to be with someone because you want to be and choose them, not because you need them.

Bluntness100 Sat 09-Nov-19 07:36:24

How old are you op? What struck me also was your dependence on him, and the fact you seemed to have built your social,life round other mothers at your kids school.

Yes he's not behaved well, but not sure if that's because he knows you'd be jealous or if he really has something to hide.

However whichever it is you need to focus on you. Being so dependent on someone isn't healthy,

Sadiesnakes Sat 09-Nov-19 07:44:33

@BitOfFun Since when did mn make you a thread moderator?🙄

Op, eyes wide open now... You obviously not planning on finishing things and I agree with pp, that you were in fact a bit too lenient on him.

You do know he was planning to cheat on you, right? He can't be trusted and he's just shown you how prepared he is to try it on with another woman. Don't be fooled it's just him fancying her, if she gave the right signals he'd be in there in a second.

Is that a short enough response? *@BitOfFun*.....

outherealone Sat 09-Nov-19 09:51:52

Yeah he’s a cunt. HTH.
On another note: how do all these women read their OH’s messages? All phones are either passcode or fingerprint entry. I would have no idea how to do it but it seems that everyone else does!

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