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Those of you whose husbands have used prostitutes ...

(98 Posts)
ScreamingLadySutch Mon 04-Nov-19 05:08:02

How active is/was your sex life before you found out? Be absolutely honest.

1 x week?
1 x month?

I am asking because today: www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/stuck-sexless-marriage-should-put-should-cheat/?li_source=LI&li_medium=li-recommendation-widget

It has generated a huge number of comments [wow] so has clearly struck a nerve.
Men who feel their wives do not give them enough sex.
Their solution is prostitutes. Poster after poster, suggesting escorts.

I'm a bit depressed now. I will c&p some of the comments to show what I mean.

Shoxfordian Mon 04-Nov-19 05:57:45

Just read some of the comments, so gross angry

ScreamingLadySutch Mon 04-Nov-19 06:05:58

I am glad you felt the same, @Shoxfordian.

Did you notice the split? That sex is divorced from relationship and women are things of service.

But we can't gloss over and dismiss and be indignant about the distress of hundreds of comments:

that men really feel trapped by being married and not getting enough sex.
Is this a myth? That is why I would like to hear from people:

how was your sex lives, really and truthfully?

MonstranceClock Mon 04-Nov-19 06:09:26

I was a sex worker, and it was always that the wife doesn’t have enough sex.

Shoxfordian Mon 04-Nov-19 06:09:41

Yeah, but then you only need a few reads of the relationships threads on here to find examples of men who sulk when they don't have sex and clearly feel entitled to women's bodies.

Happily I'm not married to a man like that. I think you should edit the title of this though as surely, hopefully, any man who cheated with a prostitute would be an ex husband.

kristallen Mon 04-Nov-19 06:20:45

I'd like to see the response to that article if the sexes had been switched. All those men who think it's fine for a husband to get sex outside the marriage almost certainly wouldn't for a wife!!

Takethebullbth Mon 04-Nov-19 06:23:02

In my case, I was the one frustrated at the lack of sex life. I remember discussing it with my Mum & her saying “well, I bet he’s getting it somewhere .” I later discovered he was indeed. Had a penchant for prostitutes. Turns out he was addicted, am guessing it made him feel masterful, not to mention he could be his lazy self, making very little effort couldn’t he? After all, he was paying.🤮

Takethebullbth Mon 04-Nov-19 06:30:19

Years after we divorced he told my Brother how much the ladies all “enjoyed being with him.” Yeah, cause you’re special.😂😂 An especially deluded dickhead.

ScreamingLadySutch Mon 04-Nov-19 07:07:09

This is a difficult one.

On the one hand: I DO believe what one of the comments of the men said, about unbearable testosterone is, and how it just doesn't leave you alone until you have had sex. My own H said this to me in happier times. He even gave it a time period - 2 days, and he was clearly describing a biological thing. Hormones are powerful chemicals, so I think we should respect this truth.

Also: the whole point of marriage is that a safe space called 'family' is created, where people stay faithful, but have regular access to sex. That is the trade off. That is actually laid down in the (rather beautiful) introduction to the old CofE marriage ceremony. So a wife who isn't up for it IS breaking the agreement. Sorry, but she is. We have to talk about this.

On the other hand: wives require conversation and affection and seduction for a satisfying sex life. Being treated like an object is the biggest passion killer of all. Who wants to be a receptacle for somebody's tension, when they and their efforts in the family are disregarded?

Then: how much is this 'if I got sex I wouldn't look elsewhere' an excuse. How many wives love and desire their husbands, and still get cheated on. [Raises hand] because of this strange emotional split that a lot of the comments showed.

I was so sad reading the comments. Are they just being tough and macho and hiding their feelings? How do you tell? There seems to be very little emotional connection to the wife. And our hurt posts bear this out. It was my biggest grief when my marriage ended - he honestly was not connected to me and did not want the marriage to end because of the inconvenience of the consequences. Not me.

The male comments honestly seem to think that wives would not be too sad about outside extras, and the danger is losing your home and children (not devastating your wife). They also seem to think the wife would be completely happy with sex workers, because of the logic involved! "I know I am not giving him enough, its a commercial transaction that solves the problem, everybody happy" . Honestly, it is in comment after comment! (and they clearly use sex workers A LOT)

Flipping minefield this is.

ScreamingLadySutch Mon 04-Nov-19 07:08:01

Obviously this discussion includes all committed partnerships ...

IvinghoeBeacon Mon 04-Nov-19 07:57:54

A man who pays for sex by definition doesn’t really care about whether his sexual partner is getting any pleasure. I wonder how much that attitude affects his wife’s libido. There are a lot of men out there who are really quite shit at sex

Ellabella989 Mon 04-Nov-19 08:04:55

I used to work with an insufferable excuse for a man, and one evening on a works night out after a few drinks he admitted to me that he occasionally paid escorts for sex. His reasons for doing so were a) his wife had gained weight b) they only had sex once every 4 months and it was always boring, and c) he liked being able to have sex with women who looked like models.
Absolutely vile!

birdsdestiny Mon 04-Nov-19 08:07:09

Screaming, I would no more live my life based on the c of e teachings on the subject of women than I would fly to the moon.

Bel93 Mon 04-Nov-19 08:07:57

To answer the OPs question, I'm not 100% sure if my partner used one or not but I caught him looking them up a few times so he probably did, we had a very active and adventurous sex life. At least every second day but pretty much every day. I had a higher sex drive than him and he still did what he did.

catspyjamas123 Mon 04-Nov-19 08:10:16

I am SO glad I’m not married any more! My husband ignored me and never initiated sex - which was basically a massive turn off. I am NOBODY’S receptacle. Using prostitutes is unforgivable - a massive health risk to wives. These men are revolting.

MorrisZapp Mon 04-Nov-19 08:15:53

I wouldn't dream of using a prostitute, the idea is stomach turning. But as a woman, I wouldn't have to. Men are usually up for free, consensual sex and they aren't too fussy.

My sex life has dwindled to pretty much nothing. I don't want to have an affair because I love my family and I couldn't face the guilt and deception. To be honest though, I think I could shag a random. I mean what's the alternative. Never being passionately desired again until I die?

Don't worry, I probably won't. But I do think about it.

Sadiesnakes Mon 04-Nov-19 08:24:07

The type of men that use prostitutes will use them whether they get sex at home or not.
It's a totally selfish transaction, and the real reason for it is variety.

Popcornfan2 Mon 04-Nov-19 08:26:20

Unfortunately for every woman who knows about their partners having used a prostitute/Escort, there will be many who don’t.

catspyjamas123 Mon 04-Nov-19 08:27:06

This whole view of marriage is of women as some sort of sexual servants. Yuck. We do have our own needs and one need is to be loved rather than seen as a chattel! The greatest pleasure in my life now is to be able to sleep in my own bed, which I have paid for, unmolested by anyone else! Bliss.

53rdWay Mon 04-Nov-19 08:34:30

Those comments are awful. Not getting enough sex from the in-house sex provider, simply outsource it to one of the ‘nice experienced ladies’ who will be ‘more than happy’ to make up the deficit. Such a wonderful view of sex and relationships and women, can’t think why their wives aren’t all leaping into bed with them eight times a day.

simone1863 Mon 04-Nov-19 08:55:03

I only see two comments that suggest escorts. Though if you want sensible insight on anything, I suggest staying well clear of that rag The Torygraph.

birdsdestiny Mon 04-Nov-19 09:14:22

What difference does the paper make. The guardian is utterly misogynistic.

Ekefox Mon 04-Nov-19 10:14:50

Some of those comments are infuriating but I did like the group of blokes just sharing different terms for wank like 14 year old schoolboys. Just made me chuckle.

IvinghoeBeacon Mon 04-Nov-19 12:14:59

Nah, “variety” alone is a red herring. They want a woman who can’t say no and whose pleasure they don’t have to take into account. If you want “variety” and meaningful consent, you don’t pay for it.

NameChangeNugget Mon 04-Nov-19 14:50:35

I think it’s pitiful that people have to pay for sex. How embarrassing?

I would leave DH if the sex wasn’t good enough or frequent enough. I wouldn’t dream of paying for it.

Gross angry

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