Four and a half months down the line for me from discovering my DH's ONS with a woman he used to work with. Finding everything a huge struggle. I want to stay in the marriage, work through it, be stronger on the other side etc and I can say that if my DH had not shown the sheer amount of remorse and regret and done everything in his power to try and make things right then I would have walked. I now find myself in a place where I try to be positive and paste on a smile to get through the day. We have talked and talked and done the whole hysterical bonding thing and there is really not a lot else that can be said, it's just the fact remains and always will of what he did, and nothing either of us can say or do can wind the clock back and change that - it is irreversible, and I struggle with that every second of the day, it is always pressing on me like a black cloud hovering above my thoughts and tainting everything that happens throughout my day. Wednesday was fucking awful, I was alone in the house and the thoughts wouldn't stop tormenting me and I was literally on my knees howling and sobbing, ended up on the floor in the foetal position just sobbing and sobbing in pain. Those are the days when I can't get the mental image of him with her out of my head, the better days are the ones where I manage to keep direct thoughts of it away by keeping busy and occupied. He is absolutely filled with dread that this will change the way I feel about him over time and I will end up leaving him. I have no doubt that he loves me, but that just confuses me more than ever - how could he do that to me? How? He himself doesn't understand his own actions and can't articulate why.
I look at our situation and weigh everything up. I have a man who I know loves and adores me - but a man who is deeply flawed. I will never be able to trust ANY man again, this I know, so what is the point of leaving and being with somebody else when I already have somebody who I love and who is (now) devoted to me, when I wouldn't trust somebody new anyway. What is the point of leaving, when it would ruin our DDs life (she would NEVER get over it) and leave us all financially wrecked as well because we can't afford to live without the financial support of the other. We both already know nobody else would ever match up, not for him or for me. So I just carry on, getting through the days, and feeling condemned to live with the pain of what he did until the day I die. I will NEVER get over this. This is my life now.