Fiance changed his mind about marriage and having a baby

[Motherofkittens28]

So my fiance asked me to marry him 4 months ago. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing, he had planned it at least 6 months beforehand, he asked my dad's permission and he took me to Paris. We had agreed a year ago that we would start trying for a baby in August, which we started doing. Since then he's been really off and a month ago he told me he has changed his mind about having a baby ever. Then two weeks later he told me he didn't want to marry me. It was a horrific night and he was very emotional and just kept saying he was confused and he didn't know if he wanted to end things or not. The next day he text me saying he was sorry and he does love me and does want to marry me. Since then we've started seeing a relationship counsellor and things have been much better. I still feel very uneasy though in case he changes his mind again and our engagement no longer feels real. Am I being a bitch if I ask him to ask me to marry him again so I can feel sure that he means it?

[MirriMazDuur]

Would that really make any difference to you?

I don't think I'd be up for getting married to him now.

[Moominfan]

My first thought was other woman. Would you want a coerced marriage proposal?

[MirriMazDuur]

You've been given a chance to avoid heartache here. I'd take it and save money too.

[Motherofkittens28]

I wouldn't think of it as coerced, he already asked on his own. I just want it reiterated really.

[ShirleyPhallus]

I’m sorry to say but this would be a huge trust issue for me going forward, I’d always be worried that he would back out again.

Being pregnant is really hard, you don’t feel like yourself and I couldn’t imagine doing it without feeling totally secure. I assume that actually having children is even harder and you want to be with someone who actually wants to be with you

It’s so hard OP but I’d honestly walk away. If he really does regret it then he’ll fight for you but I suspect you’ll find he doesn’t, sorry

[priceofprogress]

Gosh, I’d end it. You can’t stay with and plan to marry someone who is so ambivalent about you and isn’t certain about you at all. He must have really been sure about no longer wanting to be with you to have risked losing you by admitting he no longer wanted marriage and kids together. Nobody does that lightly and he will have been wrestling with it for a while.

Of course, he’s then got cold feet and is trying to make it right... but based on his prior actions I doubt it’s because he’s suddenly realised you’re the love of his life. Most likely he’s tried to talk himself into working things out as he’s scared of change or feels he’s invested too much to walk away. But it’s only a matter of time.

Glad that this happened before you got married or pregnant as hard as it is. If you stay with him you’ll always know deep down, for however long the relationship limps along for, that he’s not 100% into you, and you’ll always be on the back foot scared of it happening again or trying to make him love you as much as you do him. That’s no life.

Please don’t fanny around with trying to coerce another forced proposal out of him. You deserve so much better.

[Motherofkittens28]

Thanks ShirleyPhallus walking away and seeing if he fights isn't an easy thing to do though. We live together and own our house. He is the one that told me he was wrong and didn't want to end things and agreed to do counselling. Isn't that fighting for us?

[MirriMazDuur]

No, it's more like throwing you a bone.

[HungryForApples]

Don't play games with him. Either keep seeing the therapist and work through it or break up for real and don't talk to him again.

Has he told you why he said he didn't want to get married?

[ShirleyPhallus]

If he “agreed” to counselling then that most certainly isn’t fighting for you

[Motherofkittens28]

I don't think I am playing games with him. I just feel insecure about things. We are continuing to see the therapist to work through it.
He said that something didn't feel right and he was scared of making a mistake. Our counsellor said it's extremely common to feel like that after making a big decision like getting engaged. He told me that he felt sick all day the day after this initially happened and he just wanted to get home and tell me how sorry he was.

[Motherofkittens28]

Not that it should make a difference but we aren't teenagers. I'm 37 and he just turned 40.

[MirriMazDuur]

I think that makes it worse. If he was young I could understand cold feet, but if he's having cold feet at 40 about marriage and children you should run a mile.

[gamerchick]

Look, call it off. Go back on contraception and see where the land lies in another year. Take the control back. Do not get pregnant while he's up and down like this. Just live your life.

[gamerchick]

Not that it should make a difference but we aren't teenagers. I'm 37 and he just turned 40

It does, time isn't on your side. You may have to make a choice about what's important to you.

[LemonTT]

The issue here isn’t whether or not he wants to make a grand gesture or if he should. That’s not the problem in your relationship and it’s not the core of whatever gave him cold feet either.

Objectively he needs some independent counselling or soul searching to understand and get to the bottom of his flip flopping. He needs to be honest with himself and then with you. Even if that is hurtful or not what you want to hear. Only then can you work on your relationship and move forward.

As other pp have said, forget about weddings and definitely forget about babies until you are both really sure and committed to each other and parenthood.

I am sorry to say and forgive me if it’s hurtful but the fact you are pursuing another proposal already and not the truth suggests a high of single minded behaviour on your part. That is, a determination to be married and pregnant above all. That only works with the right person and one who is totally committed not scared.

[Mintjulia]

I’d be putting the house on the market or asking him to buy me out.

Maybe you are willing to give it another try. Don’t get pregnant by him. If you stay, leave it at least another year and get married first.

[Motherofkittens28]

Thanks gamerchick, I have halted all the wedding stuff and we are no longer trying for a baby.

[HungryForApples]

Is he usually this indecisive?

If so then are you happy to marry him knowing he might change his mind again in the future?

& if he's not then it suggests he just isn't sure about marrying you specifically!

& having a child requires 2 fully committed parents. In cases where one partner isn't sure about wanting a child, 90% of couples have broken up within 5 years of a child being born. Are you happy to take that risk?

[2stepsonthewater]

Go back on contraception and see where the land lies in another year.
That advice would be OK if you were 28 but as you're 37, you can't afford to muck about, as fertility declines after age 35.
Has he been able to explain what 'didn't feel right'? Is he gay or just commitment-phobic? Does it feel like you're making progress in the counselling sessions?

[BlondeBarnOwl]

Hi Op

I can see you want for this to work, so ill avoid telling you to leave him.
I will say i have been in your DPs position. I was proposed to, said yes, then backed out and left after a couple of days of back and forth. We had started wedding shopping, i tried giving the ring back, we had to unwind our living situation etc... ExDP was devestated at the time. It was rough.

I can understand how he feels. He made, in his mind, a HUGE commitment and clearly took it very seriously, which is great. But being engaged can really smack you in the face and doubts can appear that you didnt have before. My DP wanted to move fast and have kids. This, deep in my soul, wasnt for me at the time and i just had to be honest. For him, it was a deal breaker (He quickly got with someone else, got married, and had kids - it was what he wanted). I am still not married or with kids, 11 years on. And its no regrets from me.

You need to be really honest with yourself and hand the ring back to him. Allow him to repropose when he feels ready - after youre finished with counselling. If you want to and can. He may never want to go through with it, can you live with that?

Kids, is surely, a deal breaker?

This is a tough one OP, i feel for you

[timshelthechoice]

He is wasting your time. Every minute you spend with him. He can father children for far longer than your own fertility will last. I'd get rid of him pronto.

[AlexaAmbidextra]

Why do you want you both to ‘fight’ for your relationship? Jesus, life’s hard enough as it is without having to ‘fight’ at this early stage. If this is how it is now think how it will be with the added stress of babies/children thrown into the mix. I’d run like the wind if I were you.

[Motherofkittens28]

Thanks Blondebarnowl,
Kids isn't a deal breaker, I'm realistic about my situation. I'm highly unlikely to meet someone else and be ready to have kids with them within the time I have left. It would be foolish to think so. So the decision I have to make is no kids with him, no kids alone or a child with a sperm donor. None of these are ideal choices but id rather try and work on the relationship I have and see where that takes me.
I tried to give the ring back at the time when he told me he didn't want to marry me but he refused to take it and said he wanted me to keep wearing it. He wouldn't let go of me all evening and looked as upset as I've ever seen him.

[KindOranges]

Do you really want to have a child with someone so passive and indecisive?