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False promises

(455 Posts)
heneverkeepshisword Wed 30-Oct-19 22:42:22

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 30-Oct-19 22:44:10

I don't know what to do?

I feel I should just walk away

You should.

Winterdaysarehere Wed 30-Oct-19 22:48:11

He doesn't hear you. Just sees green flashing lights to go on and shag about.
Ltb...
And get tested.

heneverkeepshisword Wed 30-Oct-19 22:50:28

He was away for 6 months and I found out when he got back.

I'm pretty sure he hasn't been with her or anyone else since he got back as I have been with him most of the time.

I'm just not sure what to do about all these false promises.

I've tried leaving him but he won't let me move on. And tbh I'm not ready to let him go yet....the thought of him moving on with someone else kills me!

heneverkeepshisword Wed 30-Oct-19 22:51:35

Am I being controlling to ask him to change his number?
As he keeps telling me I'm doing it out of control....when really I'm doing it because I want to trust him and relax around him when he's on his phone

namechange4052 Wed 30-Oct-19 22:56:36

Sorry OP but he will no doubt cheat on you again regardless of whether he has a new number or not, because that's who he is. You could be happier, you know, without him.

heneverkeepshisword Wed 30-Oct-19 22:59:03

The thing is tho in the time we split up I tried to go on other dates etc but no one compares to how I feel with him when we are good.

There's this connection that I have never had with anyone else and I didn't want to loose it.

Do you believe in once a cheat, always a cheat?

PurpleDaisies Wed 30-Oct-19 23:01:48

It doesn’t matter how good things are when they’re good. It’s how bad they get when they’re bad that defines a relationship.

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 30-Oct-19 23:02:35

You’re constantly trying to get him to like you enough not to cheat on you. That’s not a healthy or mutual connection.

Windmillwhirl Wed 30-Oct-19 23:02:59

Changing his number won't stop him pursuing her if he wants to.

Cobblersandhogwash Wed 30-Oct-19 23:05:02

Well hold on. You can't seriously expect to feel a connection with someone else so son after you've been savaged by the dishonesty of this man?

You know what, don't leave him. Stay with the liar.

At least you know what to expect......

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 30-Oct-19 23:06:52

The thought of him moving on?
He has moved on, he's constantly moving in

He's so far down the moving on road you shouldn't be able to see him

You are choosing this life not him, you are wanting to believe him
But he's a liar and you still want to believe him

He is the lie, your in love with the idea of him choosing you

He's slagging you plus ordering something else from the menu
You are not enough for him he's telling you very loudly

Pick you're pride up off the floor and walk through the door marked exit

There's s whole other life out there

lexiepuppy Wed 30-Oct-19 23:47:23

Every chance you give him......He disrespected you more.

stop doing the pick me dance...... He will lie to you and then be with her.

Here are 3 pieces of advice:-

1*You cannot force someone to love you.
2.The only persons behaviour you can control is your own.
3.The only person that can make you truly happy is yourself.

Put yourself on a pedestal......not him.

Love yourself more and ditch him.
flowers*

rvby Thu 31-Oct-19 03:28:08

OP it's very typical of highly abusive and toxic relationships to feel that when they are good, they're the best you've ever had.

That's how they hook you in.

My relationship with my exh was very emotionally intimate and intense in the good times - my current relationship isnt as intense. But the very worst time I've ever had with my current dp, lasted a couple of hours and was at 1-5% misery, compared to the months and years of 99% misery that my ex put me through.

You really do need to measure a man by what hes like at his worst OP because that's the version of him that can scar and ruin you.

This guy is such bad news. It's not.meant to feel this way op. Relationships are meant to help and heal you, not hurt you.

heneverkeepshisword Thu 31-Oct-19 07:20:40

Thankyou all for your replies!

I told him loads of times actions speak louder than words but his actions tell me he hates me!

The problem is tho....I have tried leaving him so many times but he won't let me go....tells me if I end it he won't fight for me...I say ok that's fine I don't want you to and then a day later he is begging me back, sitting outside my house, writing me notes, leaving me voicemails and it's all promises of everything I really wanted from him so I give him another chance and then nothing changes!

I can't deal with him getting so upset down the phone and stuff....I feel so bad but I don't know why as if he never cheated on me I would never be ending it.

TheStuffedPenguin Thu 31-Oct-19 07:24:07

He won't let you go ? You mean you won't let yourself go - wise up !

EverFallenInLove Thu 31-Oct-19 08:13:52

I'm just not sure what to do about all these false promises

Well you know what you should do. You just don't want to do it.

As for Do you believe in once a cheat, always a cheat?

Not, not necessarily. My exh cheated on me with ow and I'm certain he would never cheat on her - he just didn't love me and met someone else who he fell in love with. But I do believe that once someone has broken your trust; disrespected you and lied to you, they will continue to do it.

I've tried leaving him but he won't let me move on. And tbh I'm not ready to let him go yet....the thought of him moving on with someone else kills me!

He doesn't get to let you move on or not - that's your choice. Although, moving on doesn't need to be with another person. You should be on your own for a while. The thought if him moving on with someone else might hurt now but, eventually, you just wouldn't care.

When my husband and I were together I remember shopping for croissants for a sunrise picnic in the woods and having a strong sense of "if we split up, I'd never be able to eat croissants or have a sunrise picnic again. It would hurt too much." The thought of it made me feel a bit teary!

And yet, I've since had many croissants and sunrise breakfasts and haven't thought of him once. Once the attachment wanes, they are just another person.

And this is one who isn't treating you very well.

You cant change his behaviour, only your response to it.

AmIThough Thu 31-Oct-19 08:16:56

You gave him one condition and he won't go through with it. If you can't even trust him to change his number what makes you think you can trust him in any other way?

Leave him. Change your number. If he sits outside your house, phone the police.

Lobsterquadrille2 Thu 31-Oct-19 08:27:35

Stay with him if you feel that you have this amazing contraction. Just be fully aware that he is even more likely to cheat in the future because he's effectively had your acceptance that it's ok to do so.

Alternatively leave him - in which case he gets absolutely no say in whether you move on or not as it ceases to be his business. Then live a life where you're not wondering all the time about changed numbers, other women, STIs.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 31-Oct-19 08:42:10

I have tried leaving him so many times but he won't let me go
But it's not about what HE wants is it?
You want him to chase you and to beg you.
It gives you something.
If you want to end it then just end it.
Block, ignore and delete.
Don't take him back.
It really is that simple, IF YOU WANT IT TO BE.
You aren't ready to end this yet.
Which is why you keep getting dragged back in.
YOU can end this.
YOU can make this final.
YOU just aren't ready to do that yet.

I can't deal with him getting so upset down the phone and stuff
Don't answer. Hang up!!!
Stop listening to his manipulative bullshit.
He is a LIAR and a CHEAT.
Raise your bar.
Believe that you deserve better.
Then move on with your life without this guy draining the life out of you.

heneverkeepshisword Thu 31-Oct-19 09:28:11

Everytime I end it he says he doesn't want to live if he doesn't have me and I couldn't live with that on my conscience

One time he actually went to a barn with a gun of his and I had to talk him down! It was horrible!

I get what ur all saying....and it's weird whenever I end it he is so attentive to me I kind of like it....I like the attention of him trying to get me back...because then it actually feels like he loves me!
How do I stop wanting him to chase me?

I know we are not healthy...I know this....but he convinces me otherwise!

heneverkeepshisword Thu 31-Oct-19 09:29:54

Your right tho....I can't live with this paranoia all the time it's horrible and takes over me!

Everytime he picks up his phone I think he's got a message from her or his other ex he cheated on me with. It's a horrible feeling.

I also have a gut feeling there's something going on with a friend of mine. How often is your gut wrong?

heneverkeepshisword Thu 31-Oct-19 09:31:42

How do I become ready?

It's not that I'm picking up I block him but then he leaves me voicemails and curiously takes over me and I listen to them!

My problem is I'm a people pleaser and hate the thought I'm hurting him and causing him stress and not being able to sleep. I feel mean when I ignore his voicemails or notes and flowers at my door!

AmIThough Thu 31-Oct-19 09:34:44

He threatens to hurt himself because he's a manipulative prick.

He knows how to win you round every time, so he'll keep hurting you and letting you down because he knows you'll keep forgiving him.

You need to just end it and cut all contact and yes it's hard, but it's the best thing for you.

FinnBalorsAbs Thu 31-Oct-19 09:36:27

..and it's all promises of everything I really wanted from him so I give him another chance and then nothing changes!

What this proves is he knows what you want from him, how a kind and loving partner should be, what is acceptable behaviour in a positive, loving relationship... and yet he can't be arsed or doesn't care enough to do it for you on a day to day level.

You deserve better than this.

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