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How do you tell him that it's over?

(9 Posts)
chocyholic Thu 16-Aug-07 16:42:13

Ok, you lovely people have given me lots of support today, and I think I know what i have to do.

So how do you tell him - it;s over, I;ve had enough, get stuffed and get out??

I;m a bit of a wuss, by the way, and daren;t actually say all that aloud!!

lifebeginstoday Thu 16-Aug-07 17:14:27

Hi Chocy; so you've made up your mind then? I can't tell you how to tell him, but I can only tell you how I did it. I had gradually withdrawn myself from H...not consciously but I just did not want to be around him anymore; he disgusted me.
On more than one occasion I told him I wanted a divorce...bear in mind that this took a loooong time to come about and his response was always 'whatever'.
This last time, I told him in a very business like way that I had had enough, that there was nothing keeping me in this marriage and that I wasn't prepared to carry on living like it. Then steeled myself for the backlash. I built up a brick wall so he couldn't get to me, and quietly went about getting things sorted. I saw my solicitor, contacted the benefits agencies and tax credits office...and when he wouldn't move out, and started his nasty abuse again I got an injunction against him. The effect was horrendous on the kids while he was here, and he used all the threats he could find...I'd never see DD again (hence me not allowing him unsupervised access), that he would make sure this dragged on for 2 years and I;d have to live with him etc...I just stuck it out until the court hearing which he didn't even bother turning up for.
It's hard, really hard to find the words and then to stick to them, but I wish I could tell you how much happier it has been since he left. It's bliss.

Dior Thu 16-Aug-07 17:24:41

Message withdrawn

NadineBaggott Thu 16-Aug-07 17:26:25

Make it short and simple - how about

well <insert name> it's over

americantrish Thu 16-Aug-07 17:40:45

you know him better than we do.
do you think he may go off the handle? he may not leave quietly too. (something to think about too.)

your first response back to your post has some great advice. seeking a solicitor (you may qualify for legal help and legal aid if you dont work!)

if you think he'll be reasonable, sit down and tell him how unhappy you are. how much you want a civil breakup. and if you dont love him, this may be a delicate time to tell him, (i wouldn't personally.)

it wont be easy, not by a long shot. but once its out there, you can go from there. :hugs:

chocyholic Thu 16-Aug-07 17:44:42

lifebeginstoday - how long did that go on for?

americantrish Thu 16-Aug-07 17:48:05

chocy> a quote for you (and a reminder for myself and others)-

“I realised that sometimes we’re tempted to stay in the hell we know.
But you have to do what you can to stop an intolerable situation –
Throw yourself off that burning ship.” – Trisha Goddard


(stay strong. and know in your heart that you can do it.)

lifebeginstoday Thu 16-Aug-07 19:20:52

Chocy, I guess I really got serious about it in January when me and DCs went into a refuge. We came back amid his promises which he never kept, so the distancing myself gradually has been taking place since then. But I applied for the divorce in June of this year, and it's taken me standing firm between June and 2 weeks ago to finally be 'free'. That's not to say I'm legally free...the divorce papers haven't even been served yet as the injunction took precedence, and now they can't serve the divorce papers as no one knows where he's living. But the main thing is, me and the DC no longer have to live under his rule.

chocyholic Thu 16-Aug-07 23:07:31

Thanks, Americantrish. It really helps, all of this. Although my ship isn;t exactly burning, just sinking very slowly!!

Lifebegins - I don't think my situation is nearly as bad as the one you have been through - you poor thing. You have been very strong.

In a weird way, it would be easier to leave if he was still raging at everyone - I would feel justified, if you know what I mean.

Now he;s gone all pathetic on me, I just feel mean, and that really isn;t like me. He says I should forgive and forget, but I can;t. And I don;t believe that someone can change that much. I wish I;d left when DC were tiny, it would have been easier on them. But I was really low paid and part time, so I couldn;t.

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