Boyfriend is moving to a caravan

[Stuckinarut81]

I think maybe I’m being a dick about this but it’s pissing me off and I’m trying to explore why.

My bf and I have been together for 2 years. We don’t live together but see each other a lot as he lives nearby, and he stays over usually 2 or 3 nights a week. He’s 56. He is fucking abysmal with money, hasn’t got a pot to piss in and is always broke no matter how much he earns. That in itself isn’t really a problem as we live separately and obviously have separate finances, and there are no plans to change that.

Hes currently renting a room from a friend in a nearby town. He’s just decided that he wants to live in a caravan. Partly because he has some romantic notion of living ‘off-grid’, and partly because he thinks it will save him money. The place that he works has plenty of land and they have said he can put a caravan there.

He hasn’t actually got any money to buy a caravan at the moment, but he’s hoping to move there in the next few weeks.

The thing is, I lived in a caravan myself for 5 years from the age of 19-24, in my New Age traveller days. So I have a very good understanding of what it’s like. And largely it’s miserable. The only good thing about it for me was the social aspect but he won’t have that as he’ll be in a field on his own. This may seem hypocritical as I have lived that way myself, but that was my misspent youth, and he’s middle aged.

I also don’t think he’ll save any money at all as in return for staying there he’s drawn up a big plan of things he can do in exchange for rent to improve the place. I can just see the lines between what he should be paid for and what he is doing for free getting very blurred. He is self employed there so no fixed wage.

And I also see him turning up here daily for a bath, to wash clothes or whatever. It’s going to end up costing me loads of money for him to live like that. My not very big house is also likely to become his storage place for any of his many items of expensive electrical equipment when he realises that caravans are freezing and damp.

To add to all that, I certainly won’t want to go there and see him as I used to work where he works (before he did) and it ended there on bad terms so I don’t particularly want to go and hang out there.

I dunno, maybe If I didn’t have my own experiences of it I’d be more up for it, but as it is I just feel like he’s moving into a space I left behind a long time ago. And I get irrationally annoyed when he starts talking about it. Am I being a dick? Should I support his dream? Even though I think he’s nuts?

[gamerchick]

Think I would end it now. Does he have any redeeming features?

You KNOW when winter bites ,he's going to be at yours. Moving in by stealth don't you?

[gamerchick]

Or head it off now. Tell him that if he goes ahead with this plan then the relationship will have to end. Wish him well and all that.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why are you and he together at all?. I can see the attraction for him because he is taking you for a fool here but you?. Why is your relationship bar so low here that you have tolerated this for yourself to date?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. He is not yours to rescue and or save here not is he a project.

[Bluntness100]

Yeah I'd also not want any part of this, I think it's a financially irresponsible middle age bloke that would turn me off. Add in living in a caravan and having to stay with me to keep warm and use the utilities and it would be bye bye.

[JasonPollack]

I think you would be wise to make clear to him now that yours is: not his backup house, not his storage yard, not his laundrette etc etc. That he cannot have it both ways and live 'rent free' while making use of your amenities.

Bloody stupid time of year to move into a van mind!

[BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail]

Blurgh! Caravans are not cheap (buy it, insure it...) and if he buys a cheap one he will be living with you. Is there electricity and water? If not it’s a non-starter, where will he pooh? It’ll be freezing.

It all sounds like a cover to move in with you without contributing.

[Stuckinarut81]

He won’t have mains electric no, I guess he’s planning on having leisure batteries and solar panels. He’s talking about building a compost loo to shit in.

He has many redeeming qualities; he’s lovely, kind, funny and intelligent believe it or not. He’s very thoughtful and is always doing practical things to help me. He doesn’t annoy me like every other man I’ve ever been with has. The money thing isn’t an issue as like I say, our finances are completely separate. If I want to do something I just do it if He can’t afford it, e.g. I went to France with the DCs in the summer without him this year. Doing things on my own like that doesn’t bother me.

[Stuckinarut81]

Oh he definitely doesn’t want to move in here. He likes his own space too. He just thinks that living off grid is going to help to save the planet or something. That’s hypocritical in itself; he drives a 17 year old 3.5 litre diesel car ffs! And maybe is generally slightly more environmentally aware than some but but definitely nowhere near yoghurt weaver territory.

[Bluntness100]

Sounds like he's your cup of tea. Personally I'm too shallow to go with some Middle Aged skint bloke who can't even afford to home himself and will be living in a shit caravan in some field.

[Stuckinarut81]

@bluntness I just pissed myself reading that. I think maybe you’ve hit the nail on the head, I could deal with the rest of it but the caravan is maybe tipping the balance too far towards not being able to handle it. I love him dearly but I’ll actually be embarrassed to tell my family that he’s living in a field in a £300 shit little caravan.

For the record, I’m also certainly not well off, but I do have a warm house and everything we need, and I am better at managing what money I do have than he is.

[BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail]

I really think he has no idea how cold it’ll be. We have a modern tourer and with the heating off it’s the same temperature as outside. He may as well sleep on a bench.

It’s not more enviro either, they are not enviro to make or run. Solar panels are £££ and not a be-all. He’ll end up spending £££ on gas.

[BendingSpoons]

How is he going to make this plan happen if he hasn't got the money to buy a caravan? Surely in that case it won't actually happen.

[75Renarde]

Well, I've been around caravans all my life - for leisure. But some are damp and you dint have a proper shower, faff with water and chemical.toilet. plus I guess no hookup so it needs to be gas.

Not great. I'd do it if I had too but I'd need to be desperate. Sorry OP. He sounds like a tit.

[Asli2020]

Sounds like a pipe dream to me. I understand your frustration, as it's crazy on so many levels. Maybe put him off at least for the winter!

[Aquamarine1029]

Why oh why are you with this loser?

[Stuckinarut81]

I have told him all this re how cold it is. Including the story of how when I lived in mine and was thirsty in the middle of the night and reached for my glass of water - it was frozen solid.

He is undeterred. It will happen. If all he has is a spare £50 that will be the value of the caravan he ends up getting.

[quincejamplease]

Off grid... So he's going to take up farming?

[quincejamplease]

Has he always been insane? Or is that a recent development?

I was expecting this thread to be about someone moving into a nice little residential park home and was thoroughly unprepared for this scenario.

[TheStuffedPenguin]

Give it a few years - how does he plan to live when he retires ? Doesn't sound like he's going to have much money to support him ...what are you going to do then ?

[Stuckinarut81]

Yeah I think he’s always been pretty nuts. But then I can relate to that as I wouldn’t put myself in the ‘normal’ camp.

He is kind of going to take up farming. Wants to grow all his own stuff. Might be handy if Brexit ever happens I guess.

[Stuckinarut81]

@thestuffedpenguin yes this is something that concerns me. I’ve made it abundantly clear I shan’t be supporting him in his old age. He doesn’t have any kind of pension, no property, nothing. But then he would argue that’s one of the reasons he should live in a caravan now, so he can ‘save up and buy some land’.

I very much doubt that will happen. He is incapable of saving. And then there’s the slight issue that it’s not quite as straight forward as just buying some land and living on it/building a dwelling of some kind.

[OneFootintheRave]

Well I do have some plans to live the van life in the future but that would be in a fully insulated Mercedes sprinter with all the mod cons. I might even buy a little plot in Spain and spend the winters there. A bit different to what your bloke is planning so.

I'd also be renting out my place and touring Europe in the sun rather than stuck in a field.

Can you tell us some more about your new age hippy days OP?

[cosytoaster]

I think that you should talk over your concerns with him and be clear re your boundaries, for example, if he wants to use your washing machine or shower he'll have to contribute to the cost. I'd also be clear that you won't be storing his stuff. Beyond that I'd let him get on with it.

The middle aged dating scene is light on intelligent,decent blokes and he does sound like he has many good qualities so no need for it to be a deal breaker.

[Stuckinarut81]

His ultimate dream is to live in Spain, but again I can’t see him getting it together to do that.

I have plenty of friends who live in vehicles and so it’s quite normal to me (and of course if did it myself). I just don’t know why it’s troubling me so much that he wants to do it.

To answer your question onefootintherave, I moved out of home at 18, was a bit of a hippy/raver, didn’t much care for rent and council tax so moved into a caravan to save money (I know I’m a hypocrite - but I was young!). I had a caravan and also a truck, a dodge 50. I had a nice regular park up and also spent time on various sites with friends. It was fun and definitely a cheap way to live, but also bloody hard - chopping wood, shitting outside, having nowhere proper to wash. I had dd1 at 23 (her dad was a new ager much older than me). Me and her dad never lived together, and I had enough of him by the time she turned one and binned him off. It was a challenge in a caravan with a baby/toddler, so when she was a year and a bit I moved out. My caravan had a massive mouse infestation that I couldn’t get rid off and I just wanted bricks and mortar, and a bath! Moved into a lovely flat and never regretted it. So I suppose him doing this seems like a backwards step for me, even though it’s not actually me doing it.

[Stuckinarut81]

@cosytoaster yes this is my concern. I’m 38 but had a fairly fucking depressing few years before him dating absolute dickheads off of t’internet. He is the kindest person I’ve ever met, and I’m certainly not perfect so 🤷‍♀️