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I never thought he would do this to me

(106 Posts)
HoneyandSpice Tue 22-Oct-19 20:48:01

I've been on MN for 8 years. I've seen so many posts from people who have been cheated on and the common line is as my title. No. Nobody thinks their partner will / would cheat on them. Especially when you have just had a baby / been together for 20+ years / been childhood sweethearts.
But every week I see threads where women are cheated on with work colleagues / via dating sites / etc. There is not one person in the land who can truly say their partner categorically would not cheat on them. You only know yourself. You do not know how anyone else thinks. No matter how much you might 'know' them.

HoneyandSpice Tue 22-Oct-19 20:53:42

My point

Pommygranite Tue 22-Oct-19 21:00:59

Yes you’re right, before I found out he’d been on dating websites things were perfect. I thought he was 100% trustworthy. Now I know different and all trust is gone forever.

If anyone says their dh would never do anything like that I would have to resist the urge to laugh quite frankly. I think it’s absolutely rife now with such easy access to porn/hookup sites. Men will always be drawn to a cheap thrill and it’s just too easy now. They think “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her”. It’s destroying families and lives.

Nobody really knows what their partner gets up to when they’re not around.

SunshineAngel Tue 22-Oct-19 21:04:51

This is one of the main things that scares me in life, if I'm honest.

Aloe6 Tue 22-Oct-19 21:06:35

Yanbu. It’s depressing.

pennyhasdropped Tue 22-Oct-19 21:09:01

I used to be one of those people, I'd read Mumsnet at night thinking goodness me..!! I'm now that wife who's husband lied cheated and is all those vile things and more. I will never again trust a living soul and have no faith at all in marriage

Felyne Tue 22-Oct-19 21:14:25

Every time I read people claiming "I know my husband would never cheat on me" it seems they're implicitly saying that everyone who's been cheated on must have expected it or known it would happen to them. Smug bollocks.

MarianaMoatedGrange Tue 22-Oct-19 21:17:44

They also say "he never has the time to cheat, he's always at work or his hobbies or with me"

user1493413286 Tue 22-Oct-19 21:21:53

I agree; I’d like to think my DH would never do that to me but people (even good people) do horrible and unpredictable things

Dissimilitude Tue 22-Oct-19 21:24:15

There is a selection bias at work, in a forum entitled "relationships".

But that aside, everything I've read suggests that the rate of infidelity is pretty high. It would be higher if there was less stigma attached to being caught, and for men in particular it's mostly constrained by the fact that most men don't actually have a lot of opportunity to cheat.

This cynical world view is why I can't really be disappointed. Many of us clearly have it in us, to be unfaithful. Given the right circumstances or opportunity, I'd suggest it would be a sizeable minority or even majority would would succumb.

ComtesseDeSpair Tue 22-Oct-19 21:26:24

The thing as well is that nobody and no situation is static. We all change with age, experiences and where the road takes us. Somebody who was adamant at 25 that they would never cheat can be s completely different person at 35 or 45, and what you thought you knew of them no longer exists. It’s really one of the things that makes me glad that monogamy has never worked for me and I made a decision relatively young to follow how I felt and approach relationships on that basis. It’s just better to be upfront and realistic about most people’s capacity for monogamy. I think I’ve saved myself a lot of heartache over the years by not trying to make that demand of myself or others. I know that it doesn’t work for everybody and many people accuse me of being jaded and cynical; but both anecdotally and statistically, relationships where neither partner has ever cheated or thought about doing so are most definitely in the minority.

avidlounger Wed 23-Oct-19 01:18:30

Bitten once, here and didn't stick around for more. I'm not naive enough to think it won't ever happen to me again with new partners, the difference now is how much I'll let anything affect me like that. Yes, I'd be angry and upset, but he would just be out. No agonising, no worrying about the Jones's, just gone.

I don't check phones or check up - I'm glad my previous nasty surprise hasn't left a lasting legacy of jealousy and suspicion. I couldn't cope with that mindset and no amount of checking will quell the mind. I'm sad when I hear about women who do live like this.

Pixxie7 Wed 23-Oct-19 01:57:31

No your right, I was married for 20 plus years and thought that there was no way my ex would cheat. I was blind, it was only when we split that looking back all the signs were there.

Stillfunny Wed 23-Oct-19 02:25:50

Even now , when I tell people about my DH behaviour , the reaction is disbelief. Never would think he would be the cheater he was.
Definitely access to sites, etc. made it possible for him to connect in a way that just couldn't happen in RL.
I too, used to read MN and feel such sympathy for women and those with financial issues
And now it is me.And it is hell.

Napssavelives Wed 23-Oct-19 02:33:18

Same, although mine says he didn’t cheat . Just walked out when I was pregnant. I don’t believe him. I never thought it would happen to me

user1479305498 Wed 23-Oct-19 03:30:10

One thing I have learnt and suprised me is that your relationship doesn’t have to ‘have problems’ Or be at all shit for someone to act totally out of character. You can have what you think is a really close relationship and someone will still act like a prick if their ego gets boosted or they are feeling stressed or down. I think many do utterly stupid things as a ‘deflection’ from other things or for a quick buzz when life gets a bit Groundhog Day and then get sucked in to that buzz.

andrea11745 Wed 23-Oct-19 04:07:37

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andrea11745 Wed 23-Oct-19 04:36:43

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Anotherlongdrive Wed 23-Oct-19 04:47:03

I have been here about 8/9 years as well. And it always amazes me that people think their partner would never ever cheat. I think as pp says, people imagine that their partners dont change.

I do think reading relationships though and impact your view though. People come here to post about problems. And its primarily wwomen.therea plenty of women posting about cheating themseleves. And I know plenty of women who do it in real life.

I find that in real life people are more shocked when it's the woman that's cheats.

I think the problem isnt mningmy as such. It's the story we are sold that a relationship is only a success and good if it lasts forever. We expect to meet someone and be with then forever. Forgetting that over a lifetime people change several times.

Sometimes, you cab be lucky enough to change in ways to compliment eachother. But alot of the time it doesnt.

Theres still shame attached to ending a long relationship. People will say its shame and ask why you cant work it out. 'Surely if you tried harder'

I think if people felt more free to leave a relationship and move on, I dont think there would be so much heart break.

I think a relationship can be good and a success but still end. People shouldnt be embarrassed or ashamed because its ended

Skittlesandbeer Wed 23-Oct-19 05:26:20

Isn’t it amazing how easily many men in committed relationships, and with so much to lose, still manage to compartmentalise and just ‘go for it’ when the chance to cheat presents itself? Blows my mind.

I got slammed on a recent thread for suggesting that the OP was perhaps right to be worried that her DH was spending loads of time with his pretty, young, always positive/encouraging, fun tutor. Of course it should be possible for a man and woman to be in an above-board, basically professional relationship. Of course men should be able to deduce that their sessions, and all the intense positive reinforcement given by an attractive young woman isn’t ‘real life’. Or that it could tip into something else, given the time spent away from their wife.

But so many men seem to switch their brain off at the first smile, don’t they? So we women sit at home just hoping our men do ‘the right thing’? And suffering enormously when they don’t?

Makes me really quite angry at the state of things. I mean, it’s not like I wouldn’t love to have a bit of excitement in middle age, to feel flattered. To eat carbs and guzzle wine. To blow my money on fun stuff. To watch tv rather than care for ageing parents. But I control myself. Because I have principles, self-respect and the brain to resist temptation. And it’s not that hard.

WorkerBee83 Wed 23-Oct-19 05:58:37

I was one of those whom said “no my wonderful OH wouldn’t do that” but here I am currently seeking divorce advice after 25 years of a beautiful marriage, so destroyed and heartbroken xx

Pringlesfortea Wed 23-Oct-19 06:02:33

Same .i would of bet my house he would not of done it..not because of me.but because he was a utterly devoted father

PhilCornwall1 Wed 23-Oct-19 06:07:20

The only person you know 100% who will cheat or not is yourself.

It's possible by saying what I'm going to say I may get comments like "you say that, but if you had the opportunity...", but as a man who has been married for 20 years, I know 100% that I never have and never will. I have no interest in doing it, don't look for it. I just couldn't.

I know there have been other blokes post on threads saying "guys get a hard time on here", and yes we do, but it's the nature of the forum and to be honest, the threads about infidelity I have read on here, I'm not surprised we do, it's pretty shocking stuff to be honest.

I'll put on my stab proof vest and duck for cover now.

Anotherlongdrive Wed 23-Oct-19 06:09:41

I am sorry to hear stories of people who had complete faith in their partners and were let down. But can I ask?

When women posted or said, in real life, saying they genuinely believed their partner wouldnt cheat but then did you think they should have known? Did you think they just ignored the signs? Or looking at their partner through rose tinted glasses?

I have never fully trusted anyone (abusive childhood) so am interested in peoples thinking when they do completely trust someone. It's so alien to me.

I hope you dont mind me asking.

Anotherlongdrive Wed 23-Oct-19 06:15:49

@PhilCornwall1 when I read your first line, I immediately thought of threads that's say similar to your second line.

It seems that many peoples faith in themseleves is misplaced. I am nearly 38 and never cheated. Never so much as sent an inappropriate text to someone.

But so many people, on here, seem to say they would have never have cheated but they couldnt help it this time. This is something I see on mumsnet alot, where most if the people admitting to cheating are women. As you say because of the nature of the forum.

So do people just not even know themseleves 100% or do they convince themseleves they are different to how they are.

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