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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Shamelessly asking for a hand hold and pat on the back - finally told ex to do one!

15 replies

Lemononachair · 22/10/2019 15:37

Today, after 6 years of mind games, emotional abuse, manipulation and just general assholery I finally told my shitty ex bf to never contact me ever again, for any reason, and have blocked him on every possible platform.

I know it doesn't sound like much but I am finally free of the atrocious cunt after being in what feels like emotional prison for so long. Please tell me I did the right thing! I know it is but it still hurts, it's like being dumped all over again so I could do with the reassurance. If it's not obvious he did a real number on my mental health, destroyed my confidence and self esteem, took every shred of dignity I have but the fog is finally clearing.

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ZestyMaximus · 22/10/2019 15:43

Well done Lemon, now you can breathe a sigh of relief, and start recovering. You absolutely have done the right thing. Now you can enjoy the rest of your life without the abuse.

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? It would be well worth looking into to help you regain 'yourself' and and ensure nothing like this happens to you again.

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cometothinkofit · 22/10/2019 15:58

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Butterflyone12e · 22/10/2019 16:02

You absolutely did the right thing but you need to remain strong. If he is as manipulative as you say he is, he will try any means possibly to get you back.

Wait for letters, getting other people to contact you, possibly self harm threats but you must remain strong. Confide in friends/family and please keep safe.

Change your locks, get a security camera (cheap from eBay) and stay vigilent.

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Lemononachair · 22/10/2019 22:09

@Butterflyone12e I wouldn't worry too much, he's 'blissfully' happy off with the OW after they got back together for the 3rd time in 6weeks so I doubt he'll be darkening my door any time soon!

It's been a long time coming. Too long! I definitely do intend to look into the freedom programme, hopefully will help me break some bad habits with relationships.

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EKGEMS · 22/10/2019 23:54

Hot damn! Great job!

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Omar1986 · 23/10/2019 00:06

Really well done! And as the famous song goes, “Things can only get better!!” Which they will!

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Lucifer666 · 23/10/2019 00:20

First of all Lemon well done!! Doing what you did took courage and guts and its no small thing either. Take each day as it goes make some changes but start off small and bit by bit start rebuilding yourself maybe some counselling could help if you're up to it. If he does turn up don't engage if he gets aggressive and threatening call the police straight away don't back down. And lastly enjoy this new phase of your life without that dickhead...in fact a glass of champers or whatever your poison is in order! 🍾🍹 😊

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Lemononachair · 31/10/2019 18:54

I haven't spoken to him for over a week now and most of the time it's fine but every now and then, even though it's obviously stupid and ridiculous..I miss him. I wish I could just talk to him about stupid stuff that was funny to us, share a memory or just ask how he's doing. But I can't and it hurts.

I guess I just have to force myself not to think of him and hope that one day those feelings with disappear completely and I won't miss him at all.

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AnnaNimmity · 31/10/2019 20:23

well done! I was involved with a similar man for the last 3 - he approached me a couple of weeks ago and I told him to fuck off. (I found out after he also approached another ex at the same time). These men are awful - just a mind fuck. Stay strong.

my one has a standby girlfriend who he has dumped 10 times in 6 years. He's treated her so badly, cheated on her and been an utter cunt. She must be so abused (or insane) - she always takes him back.

Well done for being so strong. He'll be back - do get counselling - it will help you enforce boundaries.

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SilverSparkle · 31/10/2019 21:06

Well done Lemon, you are showing incredible strength! It will get easier with time but be kind to yourself in the meantime and take one day at a time. Each day you don’t contact him is a massive achievement!

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writergirl007 · 31/10/2019 21:10

Well done. I started a thread about my 2.5 month nightmare and how I'm finding it tough to move on... God knows how it feels after six years.

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Lemononachair · 02/11/2019 08:30

@AnnaNimmity that poor woman who's been on standby for 10 years, I feel like that's exactly who I am! I don't want another 6yrs or even 6 days of being his back up. I am done.

I dreamt about him last night and today I feel so sad. Can't stop thinking about him. I don't even want him back I just feel so sad that after everything we've been through together we are never going to speak again. It's like he's dead, which I suppose he is to me. I know that sounds horrible but I do feel like I'm grieving, a future I could have had and a person in my life I've lost.

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AnnaNimmity · 02/11/2019 17:28

Good well done

I did 2.5 years of it, and it was enough. I was so weak and I regret it. I won’t ever do that again .

She thinks actually that she isn’t the standby, she has the idea that she’s the love of his life and he keeps coming back to her because of that: that they’re meant to be together and it’s true love, : no matter that he’s left her so many times , slept with countless other women, lived with other women.
Blocked and ghosted and abandoned her. And even (according to her) attacked her. It’s because he loves her.

It’s all so fucked up,

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Interestedwoman · 02/11/2019 18:27

Well done! Hand hold and pat on the back. xx

' every now and then, even though it's obviously stupid and ridiculous..I miss him.'

This is perfectly normal. You'll get past it and things'll be ok. xxx

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Lemononachair · 02/11/2019 19:21

@AnnaNimmity yep, that's exactly what I used to think. I made all sorts of excuses for him. It actually makes me quite angry with myself to look back on it and realise how deluded I was and how much time I wasted.

I think when I met him I was in a really terrible place physically and mentally so I clung to him like a life raft and developed an unhealthy codependent attachment to him. I realise that now. I kept letting him get anyway with shitty thing after shitty thing because I thought I somehow owed him forgiveness because he'd put up with me when I was at my lowest.

In reality the ONLY reason he stuck around was because his ex wouldn't take him back (because she'd had enough of his bullshit) and at the time no one else wanted him. The very second he found someone else he thought was better, he was gone. On more than one occasion.

I don't want to waste any more of my time or energy on him, I've given enough. But it still breaks my heart.