Should I just let him go ?

[anon1357]

So … new to this but I've always come on here to read discussions in the past as some of the advice is amazing so really hoping some of you lovely ladies can offer me some sound advice or maybe just tell me what deep down I already know but here goes!

I separated with my childrens Dad two years ago - My choice and totally the right decision! Been a single mum I found really tough and last year I suffered from depression due to the isolation and the adjustment which I found tougher than I had imagined! Plus trying to hold down a full time job and juggle it all. Anyway I went on to anti depressents which helped massively and at the start of this year I felt truly better than I had in years. I met my new partner in Feb of this year - It was just meant to be a bit of fun something casual as he had recently separated from his wife and I was finally in a position where I was happy on my own. However, our relationship quickly developed into something more which took both of us by surprise but we've been through so many similar experiences we just totally get each other!

The complication to this is that when we first met he had just returned from Australia where he had lived for the past 10 years. He had met his wife out there and got married and they had three children plus her child from a previous relationship who he took on as his own. Last year he suffered some serious health issues and their relationship broke down and feeling like he had nowhere else to turn he came back to the UK very poorly and suffering from severe depression. As our relationship has developed he has moved to live with me and the children (we are from different areas of the UK). My children idolize him and we had started planning a future. However, I was always fully aware of his children in Australia and how much it is hurting him been away from them but he had told me that he needed to live back in the UK for this own sanity. A couple of months ago I booked him a flight so that he can go out for a visit to see his children. He leaves on Thursday - However, for the last few weeks he has been really distant and really down. After checking some of his messages on his facebook (which I'm really not proud of and have confessed to) I found out he had told another girl he knows from when he lived out there that he had been seeing somebody from the UK but this is just a stop gap and he had also told his ex wife he is moving back out there. Now I have raised this with him and we have talked extensively over the last few days and he is truly in turmoil! He says he is definitely coming back this time but long term he really doesn't know where he wants to live. He loves me and my kids and hadn't planned on any of this and he wakes up and wants to be here but then he misses his kids so much that the other half of the day he spends convincing himself he needs to live there! I'm absolutely heartbroken because I really don't want to lose him but he says he really doesn't know what he wants to do ! So my question is I would never want to be the reason he didn't go back for his children so even though it is going to kill me and break my childrens hearts do I tell him to go ?

(Please no judgemental comments ! I'm asking for some support and advice!)

[Aquamarine1029]

I found out he had told another girl he knows from when he lived out there that he had been seeing somebody from the UK but this is just a stop gap and he had also told his ex wife he is moving back out there.

I'm very sorry, op, but I think he is playing you for a fool.

[MarianaMoatedGrange]

A man who chose go and live literally on the other side of the world from his kids was not a good bet to start with.

He's aleady living with you and your kids and you've only been with him since Feb? Your poor kids.That's another heartbreak for them when he leaves.

So he's messaging another woman in Oz, and told his wife he's moving back too?

Wake up, OP! did you pay for his flight?

I think you are a UK stopgap. Sorry.

[pallisers]

Sorry OP but he sounds like he was using you. Did you pay for his flight?
Even if he was professing endless love, this one is probably a non-starter. He has 3 children half a world away. how on earth is this going to work out? I would just cut my losses if I were you - tell him to pay you back for the flight and send him off. Your children will get over it - the only person who is essential to them is you.

[BlondeBarnOwl]

Sorry OP but you may have to just let him go.

My sister was in a similar situation. Her ex had children that lived with their mum far away, and he was only in her region for their relationship.
Now, my sister and her ex are no longer together - break-up basically caused by the resentment he had for her for keeping him away from his kids. In his head, it was her fault he had no relationship with his kids. Despite it obviously being his choice and she had never said he couldnt visit them, but the travel was far and made it difficult. He is now back in the area where his children are from and trying to build a relationship with them but things are really sour between my sister and him. He blames her totally and refuses to pay her back money he owes her (its in court).

He has to do the right thing for HIS children and for himself, you are, unfortunately the newbie.

If he chooses to stay with you, it must be his decision on his own, just support his decision either way and you will feel much better long term.

Good luck, op

[sosososadso]

Sorry you are in this position op. It does sound like he sees his future in Australia not in the uk. However, thinking practically what is his immigration situation in Australia? Is he an Australian citizen. I ask as australia is very difficult to immigrate too. Often his visa may be reliant on his reliant on him having a relationship with his children’s mother- further complicating things!

[Pinkbonbon]

I'm sorry but it sounds like he's a big fake. Abandoning his family 'for his sanity' - aye right. Shacking up with you instead of working on himself in the forst place. Which was no doubt the reason he gave his wife for coming back to the uk. Then telling some other lady that 'she is just a stopgap from his wife'. Then backtracking on that when you catch him. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

I have witnessed a similar situation which may be relevant. My first ever relationship was with a man who was never happy. He would always bang on about his ex and also how he wanted to live in America (basically the implication being - 'you arent enough for me') fast forward and after 3 years together and 3 more aromd him in some way I had walked away because i realised nothing I could do would ever be enough for him. And that THAT wasnt good enough for me.

Years later he fb messages me and it turned out he had moved to Florida (america like he always dreamed) and married. But after 2 years, moved home because he 'didn't like Florida, it was boring and I missed home'. He then proceeded to tell me that his wife and ex (the one he tried to play me off against) were such good friends (uhuh...triangulation, again). And I finally realised that I'd been right all along but it wasn't that I couldn't make him happy, it was that no one could. Block, delete lol.

I suspect that your fella is along the same vein. At best, you are a place to stay and company. Lol he said,a stop gap. At worst, he pretends to miss his family when it suits to make you feel second best, and triangulate you with them. Because he really only cares about himself.

[FavouriteSoul]

Let him go. He has to live in the same country as his children if he wants to be any kind of a father to them. I think he's telling the truth when he told this other woman he sees you as a stopgap. You've provided bed, board, companionship and sex, but his heart lies with his family in Australia. I would be asking for the money for the flight, and let him go home.

[anon1357]

Thanks all! You've pretty much told me what I think I already know deep down !

I have probably made him sound like a bad person in this post though but he actually isn't and I do believe he genuinely loves me and the kids but he's just got himself in a position that he doesn't know how to deal with.

He came back to the UK as he had life threatening illnesses last year - He had a heart attack and he found out he had a rare form of blood cancer (whilst treatable and can be managed) this was obviously a huge shock to him. He lost his business in Australia and due to all this and the fact that his marriage had been on the rocks for a good couple of years he came back to the UK initially for a visit to see his Mum and Sister and step dad ect….

He was suffering from severe depression and ended up not getting the flight back because he wanted to stay in the UK.

We met during this time and things developed very naturally with us - He's now healthy - His Mum has said that he is the happiest she has seen him since he was young. He is genuinely completely lost over what to do - We have talked so much over it all over the last few days - He says that no matter what he does he loses as he has me and his mum and sister and step dad (who he admits was more of a father to him growing up than his read dad) but then he has his children and his half brother and sister in Australia.

We had talked in the past about how we can make it work - We've talked about potentially moving out there every 3 or 4 years for a year - He would also be going back over two to 3 times a year - So it's not that it's something we hadn't discussed!

I don't believe he has done any of this on purpose ! He's been so down the last few weeks because I genuinely think he doesn't know what to do - He wants to stay in the UK for his health as he has stopped smoking weed - He's the healthiest he's been for years - A type one diabetic under complete control and he knows that been back home has helped with all of this - And he wants to be near his mum and his step dad and sister and wants to be with me - But he also knows and I think the longer he has been away the more it has hit him that he needs to be there for his children. He video calls them every day but it's not the same - I think I just need to make it easier for him and tell him to go and stay there - at the end of the day I really just want him to be happy !

Thankyou for taking the time to comment though I really appreciate it ! But I think I already knew deep down it's what I needed to do - I think I just needed other people to tell me!

Damm!! Why is life so difficult! Lol

[Aquamarine1029]

I must admit, I am very suspicious of this man. Heart attack, blood cancer, losing a business, depression, blah blah blah. He has quite the whoa-is-me tale going on there. Seems like he plays the wounded animal role very well.

[Bluerussian]

anon, this is awful. Was he saying you were a stop gap or the other woman (not wife) in Australia?

I do wonder about his heart and rare blood cancer, has he told you all the details and what treatment he has had/is having?

Please don't pay for anything else, you've already paid for his flight back by the sound of it.

I believe he is conning you. People who do that usually appear very genuine so they are plausible. I'm really sorry for you and your children (& his ex wife &children and the other woman!), but you haven't known him that long, your relationship has been rushed.

Best to cut your losses now. It will hurt but not forever, I promise. You're worth much more.

[bouquet]

[Aquamarine1029]

Hold the phone, he has diabetes, too?! I'd be waiting for a limb to fall off next.

[Bluerussian]

[anon1357]

All that part is very true unfortunately! I've been to all his consultant appointments with him and see the medication he is on daily! He's had a very tough time with his health ! He's also a type 1 diabetic so he lives with that daily too!

I can see where you were coming from though but that is very genuine!

[antisupermum]

I think he is hedging his bets and a lot will depend on how this visit goes. Sounds like he has 3 options available to him and he will dipping his toe into all 3 to see which suits him best
a) wife (shes not ExW yet by sounds of it, that's a key factor you seem to be ignoring)
b) You
c) Random Oz woman.

If his wife receives him well, he will likely stay with her. If she gives him a hard time, he will stay with Oz woman during his visit and see how things work there. If those options fail, back to UK to take advantage of you some more.

I must say, I find it quite astonishing that you started seeing him in February yet he is already living with you and your children are "idolising" him. I think that shows you are a pretty poor decision maker and that you've have dived into this without really considering your children. Genuine questions; How could you think moving an unhealthy, unemployed man that you've known 8 months, who is married and voluntarily separated form his 4 kids, is a good bet?!

[Bluerussian]

Oh well that is something, it would have been terrible if he'd lied to you about his illnesses.

Take care of yourself. There are other fish in the sea and next time you won't be so quick to commit.

[Asta19]

It's sad, but yes you have to let him go. I had this issue several years ago (on a smaller scale). I was with a guy from Italy and, in the end, he returned there for his son's sake. We were both upset about it but what can you do? Sometimes love cannot conquer all!

[Bluntness100]

Op, wake up. He told someone you're a stop gap. How insulting. He told his ex he's moving back. That's nothing to do with Ill health and everything to do with you being a stop gap.

Just end it. He's using you till he can go back. I'm sorry.

[Hanab]

Ask for a reimbursement of the ticket and wave him off OP ..

[Crystal87]

Sorry OP but I don't see how any good can come from this now you know he's said those things about you. Even if he did stay, you would always know he thought that little of you. Those aren't the actions of someone who loves you. Let him go.

[ChristmasFluff]

Just what is so nice about this health-tourist who describes you as a 'stop-gap'?

I'm sure he's very charming, but he is not a nice man at all. Nice men confide in their partners, not in some bint on the other side of the world.

[PicsInRed]

he had recently separated from his wife and I was finally in a position where I was happy on my own. However, our relationship quickly developed into something more which took both of us by surprise but we've been through so many similar experiences we just totally get each other!

Didn't even need to read the rest of the post to know that he was going to be a disaster area in the rest of it. Classic stuff, sadly.

He wasn't taken by surprise, he targeted you as a stand in - or "stop gap" as he put it.

He's love bombed you, made himself a big victim of All The Other (soon, inevitably, to include you) and played you a right one - he future faked it all.

Cancel that ticket, get your money back and put him out of your house and life.

Finally, your kids don't give a shit about your new boyfriend, any boyfriend. That's you projecting your feelings into them so that you can justify poor decision making as being for their own good. Stop that right now, it's a very risky road to amble down.

[PicsInRed]

Google "codependency" and "fear obligation guilt" in family of origin.

You seem way, way, way too concerned with the health and misfortunes of this man you don't really know that well - and what you do know is that he basically doesn't give a shit about you.

Were you some sort of carer or emotional crutch of a parent or relative growing up? Do you see that as your worth, the thing you have to contribute to a relationship? Do you seek out the manipulative wounded and broken as you feel a role for yourself there - rather than seeking out relationships which can offer you something, also?

[readitandwept]

I always imagined having a life threatening illness would make a person appreciate their kids and cherish their time with them even more, not inspire them to shack up with someone else's on the other side of the world.

[AnyFucker]

I expect he has a pilot's licence too

Come on, op. Face facts, you have been massively played.

[Kittykat93]

You've literally seen in black and white exactly how he sees you and your children. A fucking stop gap. Tell him to bugger off back to Australia