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Caught my husband and now I'm a mess

(296 Posts)
bluehairandheartbroken Tue 22-Oct-19 13:34:35

I've been on here a while but NC in case it's outing, and because I'm just so ashamed I've let this happen to me. Please be gentle, I'm an absolute mess. I'll try not to drip feed but my head is all over the place.

Bit of background - me and my husband (I can't even write DH) had some issues for a while, mainly just lack of communication and grown apart a bit, no cheating (well I was totally confident there wasn't and now I'm questioning everything). We got back on track (or so I thought, things have been great and we've both been making much more effort with each other. I've actually felt happy for the first time in a long time and he seemed happy too - we constantly tell each other we love each other, cuddle, the sex has improved/got more regular too (which I know now from reading other posts on here should have been a red flag. I'm so fucking stupid).

We're moving house very soon - deposit is all paid, kids have chosen their rooms, we have a moving in date and have our move out date for our current house. We've both said how we're really looking forward to a fresh start.

During our issues I had some major self esteem issues and kept convincing myself he was cheating. I checked his phone a few times (I know I shouldn't have and I'm not proud), never found anything. I've got help for myself with the anxiety and self esteem and was finally feeling back on track. Fast forward to this week and something has niggled at me and I couldnt figure out why - he was on his phone a lot but he's always been like that and it's never bothered me before.

Anyway - I looked at his phone last night before bed and saw a text from a well known hook up site (not even a dating site - this site is well known for being purely for sex). At first I tried to think maybe it was innocent as we've actually talked about joining this very site as a couple! But nope. I've found him, he's looking for couples and single women. He's even been verified by someone which I think usually means you have to have met up with them or done something on cam with them. He's been on the site for 3 weeks and was last active on there last night.

I'm absolutely heartbroken, literally I'm beside myself, I know it sounds pathetic and I thought I was stronger than this but I've called in sick to work and all I've done all morning is sit on the floor and sob and retch/try not to throw up. I know everyone says this but I can't believe he's done this. Only a couple of weeks ago he was telling me he can't believe he nearly lost me, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he is going to try everything to show me how much he loves and appreciates me.

I've been with him my whole adult life, since school, we're married and have 2 DC (9 and 7). I don't know how you can do this to someone you're supposed to love. We have a family and a life together, we had so much planned, I really thought it was going to work out after all the crap we've been through - I really thought we were stronger. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach that he might have actually met with someone and done something with them.

He's at work and I don't know what to do. Don't judge me but initially I was going to try and wait til we had moved house (it's not long away now) because the deposit is paid, we can't get it back, nowhere will accept me on my own as my income isn't enough for some reason - despite the fact I work full time. However this was before I realised he'd been verified (meaning he's probably met/chatted very closely with someone) and now I don't think I can pretend for that long and keep having sex with him.

What the fuck do I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken, I just keep thinking about my poor kids, having to give them up every other fucking weekend and being on my own, having to give them up for part of Christmas. I know I'm over thinking it but it's just not fair. I didn't want any of this. I've bent over backwards to make this work, I'm not even being big headed (if anything I have zero confidence right now) but I've been the perfect fucking wife. No one will love and care for that man like I have, I do so much for him. I keep myself looking nice, we have a good sex life. Why is it never enough for so many of these lying bastards? We have a family and a life together, we are supposed to love each other.

I'm thinking now I need to confront him tonight but I'm so scared. Partly because of the house situation and partly because once I do it, there's no going back and my life has changed forever in a way that I never even fucking wanted. Though in fairness I have cried solidly since 8am with no sign of being able to pull myself together so the choice might be out of my hands as he'll know something is up! I actually want to crawl into a hole and die right now. I didn't want this. We were happy, life was finally picking up. We nearly split a few months ago and now I wish we fucking had because my heart is in pieces all over again.

antisupermum Tue 22-Oct-19 13:48:20

I'm sorry but if this is Fab, the verification does mean that he has either met someone in person or cammed with them. You can opt to hide the actual "review" aspect and just keep the verified status, which it sounds like he has done. The fact he has hidden the review would indicate to me that he doesn't want it "out there" , maybe incase of being found.

The fact he even has a profile is effectively cheating; he isn't just chatting to people about the weather. The images on the site and blatant pornography as a minimal terminology and the interaction is all of a sexual nature. Sorry OP.

If you were going to confront him on this, I would do so armed with the evidence and ask him to IMMEDIATELY log in to the account so you can see a) the interaction/messages he is exchanging b) the private images he may have uploaded on there. You can set images to public, friends or private. You will want to see all of his images to know what you are dealing with c) His verified "review".

If he claims he cannot login right away etc then don't stand for it. It has a very simple login structure and "forgot password" works wonders if he has a sudden bout of amnesia. If he refuses to sign in you need to take that as confirmation as there would be no reason not to show you his innocence. Although I must say, there really isn't anything innocent about that site. It's created for one purpose and is very successful in providing that service...

AllyBamma Tue 22-Oct-19 14:02:04

I’m so sorry this has happened. But I think you know what you need to do. You can’t ever trust him again, you have factual evidence he’s cheated. And lied through his teeth about it.

I’d be bagging up his stuff ready for when he comes home and tell him if he’s got even an ounce of respect left for you then he’ll leave tonight.

Gemma1971 Tue 22-Oct-19 14:03:14

It hurts my heart to read this OP.

My now ex went looking for swinger clubs the minute we had an argument - an argument I thought we had sorted out and he acted as if everything was fine. I also found him on a dating site. He denied, gaslit, projected, denied some more. But the evidence was there in my hands.

We tried to reconcile and I might have got past it, but he was verbally, emotionally abusive and that did not change. So earlier this year I drew the final line under it and ended it.

I am not sure whether I would forgive and try again in a similar situation. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. Your husband wants to have his cake and eat it. I would seriously reconsider moving house with him. He has betrayed all of you.

Get STI tested... I was lucky, I was clear. I hope you are too. It is a horrible feeling.

JorisBonson Tue 22-Oct-19 14:04:43

Nothing to add apart from how sorry I am OP. What a bastard.

Carrotcakeyum Tue 22-Oct-19 14:15:09

Sorry for your dreadful shock and betrayal.
On a practical level, have you actually exchanged on the house?

Cator Tue 22-Oct-19 14:27:12

OP I'm so so sorry to read this. What an absolute lying, prickheaded, flailing cockwomble.

On the practical side he's only been using that particular website for three weeks, so you've found out he's a cheating ratbag sooner rather than later.

Now is the time to make sure your finances are secure - it you are going to confront him make sure he can't immediately empty your joint accounts. Make a list of every shared account that involves money, whether a bank or otherwise, and make sure you can get/seize control of them if it all goes pear shaped. Get a full STI screening as per Gemma's advice. Take shit tonnes of screenshots of what you've seen.

In terms of timing, I would wait until the house is sorted personally, because financially you'll be already hard done by as per every break up and waiting until you've got the asset secured has to be a priority given you'll likely end up with the kids.

Get your thoughts in order today. Tonight will be hard, whether you do confront him tonight (see above) or whether you stick around pretending nothing has happened and wait for your moment.

Sending massive bloody hugs in the meanwhile.

CinnamonMentos Tue 22-Oct-19 14:35:51

My ex cheated on me and gave me an std, just to twist the knife in further. I woke up once in the middle of the night and he was downstairs with headphones in so didn’t hear me. He was wanking whilst love chatting to a lady from a hook-up site. Found out after he’d been on there for years, even before we were together, and was regularly hooking him with different women while he was supposed to be on a night shift.

You need to leave. I stuck around, for some unknown reason, and gave him a second chance. He never stopped, he couldn’t.

He also left me with an std that has no cure.


pennyhasdropped Tue 22-Oct-19 15:05:10

Sorry to hear this, I doubt you'll be able to hold it in or sleep with him knowing what you know.. how long is it before you move?

yesterdayisgone Tue 22-Oct-19 15:12:52

Set up a fake profile and message his profile and see if he's willing to willing to meet up with random women
You don't even need a genuine email account to get a profile started

Notallitseemstobe Tue 22-Oct-19 15:31:51

A verification doesn't always mean a sexual meeting

antisupermum Tue 22-Oct-19 15:46:56

A verification doesn't always mean a sexual meeting

Whilst this is technically true, on a site such as Fab, they aren't exactly socialising for a game of tiddlywinks! I would argue that there is no meeting or camming that can come from such a site that hasn't had some sexual connotations to it. It's not a dating site, it's not a friends site. It's a hook up/ swingers site. Plain and simple.

Verifications to new members can only come through another verified member (so they have been round the block themselves on the site). They may have met for a "social" which is the cuppa beforehand just to check its not a catfish etc. But on that site, the socials are done purely as a precursor to the main event. Again, I am sorry OP. I just wouldn't want you to believe the commonly spouted nonsense that inevitably comes when online sites such as this are the culprit.

Iwouldbecomplex Tue 22-Oct-19 15:49:07

I have no advice but I just wanted to say I'm sorry OP. My heart really goes out to you. Stay strong xx

JorisBonson Tue 22-Oct-19 15:54:16

A verification doesn't always mean a sexual meeting

So? He's still on there with a profile, actively looking.

Interestedwoman Tue 22-Oct-19 15:57:32

I think it'd be rare for someone to do a verification on Fab unless they've either met the person or (perhaps more rarely?) been on cam.

I suppose someone did do it for me once, or I did for him, but it was a sex cinema owner to more easily recall my details for when he had groups in for sex.

Hugs, OP xxxxx

Nicolastuffedone Tue 22-Oct-19 15:59:51

Sorry, I know this is missing the point, but you were both going to be joining a hook up site?? You were both looking for sex partners? Did I misread that?

Wonderland18 Tue 22-Oct-19 16:02:52

Op this is awful I’m so sorry your going through this. Sending a handhold flowers

PlasticPatty Tue 22-Oct-19 16:06:43

They do it because they can.
It doesn't mean you aren't attractive or aren't enough. It means they've seen an opportunity and are going for it.

You know who he is, now, OP. I'm sorry.

So - you make an excuse not to have sex. An infection.
Go for an STI check.
You say nothing to him about what you know until you are ready.
You see a solicitor.
You take deep breaths and you pretend until you are ready to pull the carpet from under the bastard's feet.
Never be sorry for him. Never be understanding. Never let him shift blame onto you.
Your way forward is without him. You owe him nothing.
Start now.

ladybee28 Tue 22-Oct-19 16:22:51

@Nicolastuffedone, no you didn't misread it.

OP, I'm so sorry. Is there someone IRL you can at least tell before speaking to him tonight, so you're not tackling it completely alone?

AliciaQuays Tue 22-Oct-19 16:24:38

Agree you need to be convinced before you challenge

MrsElijahMikaelson1 Tue 22-Oct-19 16:26:35


Bluerussian Tue 22-Oct-19 16:30:11

I'm so, so sorry. This must be heartbreaking for you.

I can't add anything to what others have said on here. Please do let us know how things go.


bluebunny123 Tue 22-Oct-19 16:36:17

So sorry op thanks With the house I would try and wait it out. I wouldn't want to lose that and be in an even harder situation.

clickymad Tue 22-Oct-19 16:38:35

So sorry. I'd try to wait it out but the no sex may be hard. thanks

ukgift2016 Tue 22-Oct-19 16:45:55

So sorry OP.

May not feel like it now but time the greatest healer.

Agree with another poster that you need to get a STI check.

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