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Are we kidding ourselves to think we can fix this?

(135 Posts)
Cheryberys Mon 21-Oct-19 19:30:36

My expartner and I were together, mostly happily, for a long time. I was devoted to him, and would do anything for him, and always felt it was reciprocated. Whilst no relationship is perfect, there was a lot of mutual support, meeting of minds etc. He wasn't entirely happy with our sex life (in retrospect nor was I), but we struggled to discuss these problems (although we'd resolved other issues as they arose this one was one we found hard to discuss) and eventually we split up. For the last few months of the relationship he began fucking someone else, a woman he met online where he went looking for sex (at this point we had effectively stopped having sex). This carried on for a few months after our split but he refused to commit to a relationship with her (because in his words he just saw her as someone to have sex with), and eventually contacted me to ask if we could try again.

As of yet, a few months on, I haven't agreed so whilst we are in contact we are not in a relationship. I have a LOT of concerns. As does he. I wasn't always particularly kind or nice, and in the process of us splitting up I sent some very negative and quite personal messages. That said had I known he was fucking someone else I would have said worse.

My view is that we both behaved badly and that whilst 2 wrongs don't make a right of we want to start again we wipe the slate clean.

However he wants to analyse all my comments while dismissing his infidelity on the basis we weren't having sex. He is also still in contact with the woman he was fucking and I know she is dripping poison in his ear about me (as she has told me directly that she thinks she should be with him as she is better in bed than me - but because I am significantly more attractive in all respects he doesn't want her if he can have me) He says she means nothing to him and I do believe it but she is a shit stirrer and for that reason I think he needs to cut contact.

I don't fall into that trap of just blaming her. I know both are at fault. But she is the one who has repeatedly contacted me to 'put me in the picture' and make a number of spiteful and hurtful comments like telling me I'm shit in bed, or how they used to laugh at me and take the piss behind my back. She knew of my existence all along and even after he contacted me to try and get me back, she called me to tell me everything and then immediately after called him and offered him sex. She is jealous of me clearly; I try to just think she is pathetic and no threat but frankly I would prefer her to be out of the way entirely rather than sending him messages like how if he stays with me I'll never give him sex and nothing will change and he'll regret it!

I do think things can change and she clearly is no oracle. I've suggested seeing a counsellor which he is willing to do. I think he also should cut this woman out as she has an agenda which is deeply anti me.

BlondeBarnOwl Mon 21-Oct-19 19:38:04

You could sort things out if he cuts her out and you fix the communication issues that led to this point.

She must go.

Counselling sounds like the right step. The fact he is willing is great. Good luck.

ComtesseDeSpair Mon 21-Oct-19 20:04:13

It all just sounds very dysfunctional. What makes you think you can fix things now when it seems neither of you had the motivation / will / inclination to fix things when you were actually in a relationship but not getting on or having sex? What’s changed?

And if you have to ask somebody to change their behaviour in order to be with you, you’ve already lost. If he hasn’t attempted to change the aspects of his behaviour which led to you splitting in the first place; and if he hasn’t willingly cut contact with the other woman without prompting; then you having to spell it out to him means it’s a lost cause already.

chuttypicks Mon 21-Oct-19 20:24:10

Recipe for disaster. Cut your losses and move on with your life before you've wasted more of it on this drama/relationship.

LatentPhase Mon 21-Oct-19 20:34:12

Wow. Why oh why would you do the pick me dance. With someone who is pitting you and her against each other and discussing exactly how you compare. Why would you waste a Minute longer of your time on this?

AgentJohnson Mon 21-Oct-19 20:35:36

He’s playing you, move on already.

CodenameVillanelle Mon 21-Oct-19 20:36:56

He's clearly a horrible person and you would be crazy to go back to him.

BananaBooBoo Mon 21-Oct-19 20:40:42

Em yes your kidding yourselves.

Elieza Mon 21-Oct-19 20:46:28

He’s been disrespectful to you. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t love her either. Sounds like he’s just wanting the best bits from you both. How could you ever trust him.

Say you did take him back.
He’s an hour late, what will you be thinking?
You phone him at work and they tell you he’s just gone out with someone to lunch, who will you conclude that person is?
The phone goes and he take it in the other room, who do you think it is?

Move on. There are nice guys out there. He isnt one of them. Sorry OP

rvby Mon 21-Oct-19 20:48:36

Wow. Why oh why would you do the pick me dance. With someone who is pitting you and her against each other and discussing exactly how you compare. Why would you waste a Minute longer of your time on this?

This, with bells on. Really struggling to imagine a reason why you are even entertaining such a nonsensical situation? There are literally billions of men in the world, you don't have to cling to this one.

Pinkbonbon Mon 21-Oct-19 20:58:40

Counciling won't turn a shit person onto a good one. Drop him from your life entirely.

Sheld0r Mon 21-Oct-19 21:03:10

If you really have to make a go if it then yes she must go! He needs to cut her out of the picture completely. You'll never be able to move on as long as she is in the background. It sounds like he is minimising his actions in the break down of the relationship. Just because you had stopped having sex is no excuse for infidelity. He had the right to end the relationship before jumping into bed with this woman. A counsellor would be a good place to start and begin to work through it but in all honesty I don't think this is a relationship that can be revived. If he really wanted you back and this woman means nothings then he wouldn't be still stringing her along like this. Save your sanity and move on. Find someone who loves and respects you enough not to trawl the internet for a hook up. You deserve more!

scoobydoo1971 Mon 21-Oct-19 21:13:09

The relationship didn't make either of you happy, the first time around. In between he has been having sex with a woman who sounds like a bit of a sad case. She must have low self esteem if she feels the need to contact you and be abusive in this way. She doesn't sound very intelligent, and that she has been drip fed all sorts of bile from the 'prize' man. Your ex is looking to have his cake and eat it by keeping the pair of you dangling. You could never trust him again, and surely you question his integrity knowing he is sleeping with a nutcase who is harrassing you. Run for your sanity...

Cheryberys Mon 21-Oct-19 21:18:00

Thing is, he isn't stringing her along. I know he's told her he sees her as no more than an ex fuck buddy. She has zero self respect and knows he will never have a relationship with her. She told me before meeting him she had sex with 30 men in about 3 months. She thinks this makes her some kind of sex expert.

We did try to work out our problems while we were together; I know I have 'grown' a lot since we split, I've had counselling for some past personal issues which I felt I had dealt with but I really hadnt and I feel stronger now. I would like to re establish our relationship but I don't need to do so iyswim, I want to which is different.

I am not doing the pick me dance on my mind because I am not entering into a relationship until I'm sure...and that to me will also not be until she is out of the picture. Whilst she is still messaging him offering sex (or at least she still was a couple of weeks ago because she messaged me and told me!) I have said we're not being intimate in any way until we are back together.

LittleNightmare Mon 21-Oct-19 21:22:03

I was think ‘yeah, maybe’ until I got to the bit where you know he’s been telling her you’re shit in bed & talking about you negatively in general

Then the bit where he wants to dissect what you said (aka blame you) whilst not take any responsibility for fucking someone else ‘because you weren’t having sex’ with him.

If you were stupid enough to let him back in your life, he’d be fucking anyone that would let him because he ‘wasn’t getting it from
You’ and knows you’ll overlook it when push comes to shove & you can’t guarantee to have sex with him x times ow to keep him happy.

Tell him to go fuck hi self - or her, but that you are moving on & do that!

You have years & years ahead if you, don’t saddle yourself with him you’re worth much more than this.

I know he wasn’t all bad, no one is. But he isn’t good enough!

Lucyccfc68 Mon 21-Oct-19 21:26:09

He's stringing you both along.

He is the one to blame.

You can't polish a turd.

LittleNightmare Mon 21-Oct-19 21:29:30

You also realise that HE has effectively slept with 50+ people...via her. Don’t let his bits anywhere near your bits.

Bear in mind, HE hasn’t told her to leave him alone, he still wants to maintain contact with her

Being ‘significantly more attractive’ is irrelevant. Men have cheated on Jennifer Anniston in her hay day! And men, not infrequently, cheat on their wives with significantly less attractive women. He cheated on you with her before and has had plenty if sex with her, so he can’t find her too unattractive no matter what he claims. Attractive enough that Percy pecker gets hard and does the deed!

Cheryberys Mon 21-Oct-19 21:33:12

I actually don't think he is stringing her along from what she has said, certainly not now - and I don't even think he was before. Her gameplay from what I can make out is to keep me and ex arguing so that I cut my losses and then when there's no chance of him getting me back she thinks she might have a chance.

Cheryberys Mon 21-Oct-19 21:36:36

Honestly she isn't attractive. Not just physically but personality too. And she's not that bright. My friends are baffled as to why he would even go near her other than the fact she has literally zero self respect so is constantly available for sex. I suppose it's a perfect example of not looking at the fire place when you're poking the fire.

Uponreflection Mon 21-Oct-19 21:38:10

How degrading for you. I wouldn’t want any part of it/him.

Elieza Mon 21-Oct-19 22:09:12

I doubt you could give him the amount of sex he wants as you couldnt before. You are not sexually compatible. So the problems you had before will come back.

You say you know he told her he sees her as a f buddy. Is that coz he told you or coz she told you. What he tells you won’t be the truth.

Why are you wasting your time on him, he’s not good enough for you, you deserve better. Do you have low self esteem so you think you can’t do better? I’m sure you can. Dream big. Dont settle for this dude. Oh and get std checked.

Cheryberys Mon 21-Oct-19 22:27:44

It's oddly not about the amount of sex...I actually have a higher sex drive than he does and would have sex 2-3 times a week, that was always more than he wanted.

He told her in front of me that she was basically nothing but meaningless sex. She also has told me this. She had deeper feelings for him but acknowledged he didn't for her.

I have very good self esteem which is why I'm not jumping into a relationship with him and certainly not into bed. And if we do get will expect him to get checked as she doesn't bother with condoms (again she told me this, as she thinks she can't get pregnant...clearly no thought for STDs...!).

Snowfalling Mon 21-Oct-19 22:58:40

He used this woman for sex. He wants you back because you are more attractive than her. He's preying on two women with low self esteem issues. He sounds horrible.

If you get back with him, I can almost guarantee he will still be seeing the OW. He doesn't see his cheating the first time as an issue. He thinks he's entitled to it. He has no respect for women. Why do you want to be with someone like him?

Hidingtonothing Mon 21-Oct-19 23:02:30

I'll be honest OP, I don't see what the attraction is in getting back with him. It's all well and good judging her for having zero self respect but what does it say about him that he would callously use someone like that? I'm struggling to see how you can have any respect left for him whatsoever, and I couldn't be attracted to someone I didn't respect. I have to ask and I'm going to be blunt, wtf are you thinking even contemplating going back??!!!

WatchingTheMoon Mon 21-Oct-19 23:05:47

The very fact that you have to denigrate another woman by calling her unattractive shows that you also don't really value yourself.

Just give up on this, he sounds grim.

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