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Is he a cocklodger?

(233 Posts)
Lackademic Mon 21-Oct-19 15:18:49

Rarely used NC, I'd rather this didn't follow me about.

DP and I have been together 3 and a half years. He lives an hour bus ride from me (he doesn't have a car, I do, and it's 40 mins driving) and stays at mine every weekend Fri night - Mon morning and sometimes 1 or 2 nights per week.

He eats like a horse. His portion sizes are huge. He doesn't ever cook anything unless I specifically request that he do so, otherwise he'll just wait to be fed; and I actually don't even ask him anymore because when I do he makes such gigantic portions which to be frank I cannot afford.

I shop every weekend for food. He does not contribute to the cost of this except perhaps every couple of months or so, when he might suddenly decide to pay half. He does occasionally buy a take-away.

He bitches about the cost of bus fare to come and see me... Every. Single. Time.

Until recently he was sharing a house with 5 other blokes, not much communal living space, small bedroom. I rarely went there unless I was picking him up or driving him home. Since August he's been in a lovely place with one other bloke. Three times I've told him how nice it would be if I came round and he cooked for me. I get vague agreement, no plans.

The vast majority of his clothes live in my wardrobe. I do all his washing.

I earn about £900 per month more than him (but work full-time to his 0.8). From this I pay a mortgage, car costs, wrap around care and private tutoring for my child, and vast petrol sums driving son to school / collecting / going to work; also obvs all household bills. He pays £450 p/m rent including bills. My outgoings far far far exceed his and I have far less disposable income.

I feel like he's massively taking the piss out of me. He comes to my house, gets fed, gets his clothes washed, uses my hot water, heating and electric and contributes absolutely fuck all.

Nice points: obviously we get on well or I wouldn't bother. He helps my son with maths homework which I can't (dyscalculic). He does occasionally contribute to housework / maintenance.

Am I being a complete mug?

TreesSandSea Mon 21-Oct-19 15:20:28


CanaryBlossom Mon 21-Oct-19 15:20:42


A maths tutor would be much cheaper.

Lackademic Mon 21-Oct-19 15:20:48

Sorry, I should add: it's not unusual for him to stay an entire week at times. Probably at least once a month. The rest of the time it's one or two evenings in the week and every weekend.

hoxt Mon 21-Oct-19 15:20:52

Utter cocklodger 😕

TreesSandSea Mon 21-Oct-19 15:21:24

Be a lot cheaper to get your DS a maths tutor smile

mbosnz Mon 21-Oct-19 15:21:48

You do sound like a bit of a muggins to me, I'm afraid, in the nicest possible way. I think finding a tutor for your son would actually be cheaper than running this particular model. . .

ShamefulBlanket Mon 21-Oct-19 15:22:26

Why on earth do you do his washing??

MarianaMoatedGrange Mon 21-Oct-19 15:23:09

Fucking hell yes he's a massive cocklodger. you do his WASHING???? shock

Uponreflection Mon 21-Oct-19 15:23:49

Why oh why do you do all his washing when he’s got his own place?

Windydaysuponus Mon 21-Oct-19 15:26:06

Ltb op.
Imagine your savings!!

MarianaMoatedGrange Mon 21-Oct-19 15:26:11

I am 64, been married, had live in partner and LTRs. I have never done a man's washing. Nor would any of the above men ever have expected me to.
Gits in other ways, but never treated me as their mummy!

HavelockVetinari Mon 21-Oct-19 15:28:42

Why on earth are you doing his washing?! confused

Lackademic Mon 21-Oct-19 15:29:42

I don't know why I'm doing his washing confused I feel like an absolute dick tbh. It's just there, he chucks it in the laundry, I put it in with the other stuff, I dry it, I put it away... It was only a few weeks ago that a friend was round and I was hanging out the washing and I sort of caught sight of what I was doing and said fuck me I'm doing his fucking washing. Wtf. Last night he cooked half a bag of oven chips I had JUST bought because I'd said to him, are you hungry? (I'd made breakfast and lunch for us all) and he said yes and something snapped and I said well then you can make us something. And then he sits there inhaling enough food to feed my son and I over the course of 3 or 4 meals. I just thought, you wanker. What am I doing?!

Gardai Mon 21-Oct-19 15:31:39

Yes he is OP
He’s slipped under the radar, into your home and is taking the piss.
Being a tight fucker is deeply unattractive.

Moondancer73 Mon 21-Oct-19 15:31:39

Yes, absolutely he is. Tell him to shape up or get rid now otherwise you'll be stuck with him like that forever

MarianaMoatedGrange Mon 21-Oct-19 15:33:04

Whatever you WERE doing, it stops NOW. Right?

Dump the using, lazy, greedy twat.

TheQueef Mon 21-Oct-19 15:34:31

Aye he's gotta go lass.
He's not even living there yet has started training you.
Fuck that, turn to the right and move on.

Xenadog Mon 21-Oct-19 15:35:25

Get rid, pay for a maths tutor and save a lot of money, time and effort. You will be so much happier.

scoobydoo1971 Mon 21-Oct-19 15:37:02

Agree with others, he is sucking your resources dry. I recently dumped someone who was trying to move in by stealth, despite resistance and objection by myself. He offered to tutor my children as well, and used that to negotiate his way into my house more often. I was happy with once a week, but he wanted to be here all the time and expected me to feed his child as well. He ate like a horse and never even bought me a present...not for birthdays, Christmas. The day trips were funded by me, and the amount of times he 'forgot' his wallet was just embarrassing. It is the standing joke at my place since I dropped him about how full the fridge is. He always moaned about his debts, paying his rent and maintaining his vehicle. Relationships with cocklodgers are not fun, nor respectful as they are just users.

Your man doesn't have private transport and he rents with others. He doesn't earn a decent salary and he doesn't treat you well. He is treating you like the local drive through takeaway and Travel lodge to boot. He will try to move in if you let him, as he will see this as a free ride. He has no intention of staying a bus ride away for long, and this is because he sees you as a bargain way of living...not a romance. You have a child to think about, so take charge of the situation and find someone who deserves a hard-working, generous woman such as yourself.

gamerchick Mon 21-Oct-19 15:37:21

Well your bulbs lit up OP. Question is, what are you going to do about it?

Tell him you cant afford to see him/feed him for a few weeks so he'll have to stay at home. Give him his clothes to take away and bag up his dirty ones.

Then use the time to sort hour head out about what you want.

Stormblessed Mon 21-Oct-19 15:41:31

He's completely taking the piss. LTB. And stick his dirty clothes in a bin bag for the bus ride home

Lackademic Mon 21-Oct-19 15:43:21

He did, in fact, live with me here previously. I included this originally then decided it wasn't relevant. I kicked him out a year ago because he was getting on my tits (insanely moody) and I decided I didn't want to live with some grumpy man and wash his pants when I didn't have to (I'm very very happily divorced). You're right, he's moving back in by stealth. Fucksake. I don't know what I'll do. I'll have to talk to him about it. He'll be horrible. He's confrontational, hates any criticism. Which tells me a lot as well I suppose.

I like to think I am a very strong minded single (as in, unmarried) independent woman. When I look at this objectively though I think what I am is a very lonely single mum with pretty low standards for company. I'm really upset with myself.

PlasticPatty Mon 21-Oct-19 15:43:56

Well done for spotting this (at last).
Now stick his stuff in the car, drop it at his house.
Block and never speak again.

Queenoftheashes Mon 21-Oct-19 15:45:27

He sounds like a teenage son.
Present him with a spreadsheet of your costs and start charging. Seems like he’s just shy of living at yours so he doesn’t feel a need to pay.

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