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I won't have sex with DH, he wants to separate... What next?

(153 Posts)
Notallitseemstobe Mon 21-Oct-19 09:58:44

Basically that, for various reasons I can't stomach the idea of having sex with him.

He made a move a few weeks ago and I said that, and he stormed off. Then sent me a message on the weekend saying how much he wants to have sex with me. I replied to say that I don't think I can ever do it again, citing menopause and emotional reasons. I've also been ignoring him I know, not knowing what to say as our relationship has changed.

He has suggested we separate as he deserves someone who will want him like that. I know that's true, and we both do need to move on.

We have kids, a house. And I don't know how to disentangle it all, and I'm worried about money.

We've been getting on so much better since we talked about ending it. And we get on well as friends, I just can't have sex with him.

Wtf do we do?

AllFourOfThem Mon 21-Oct-19 10:01:34

He’s right, he does deserve to be with someone who wants the same sort of relationship that he does. Lack of sex in a relationship only really works if both are happy with it or one side is happy for the other to seek it elsewhere and that person is also happy to do so.

I’d suggest having a civilised chat about your breakup and speaking to a solicitor.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat Mon 21-Oct-19 10:02:11

Well, you separate. If that’s what one person wants then that’s what you have to do.

To be honest, I don’t blame him. If my husband said he couldn’t stomach having sex with me and then ignored me, I’d probably assume our marriage was over too.

First step would be to see a solicitor and start putting things in motion. If you’re able to have a sensible conversation about who will move out etc then you could also do that.

Notallitseemstobe Mon 21-Oct-19 10:07:04

I did suggest he could date other people, and us stay together, but I know it's not a long term solution.

He's never been that sexual, and it was frankly awful hence my getting to the point of not being able to do it anymore.

I just feel so confused

luckygreeneyes Mon 21-Oct-19 10:08:26

I think he’s right, you just have to bite the bullet and separate. You just aren’t compatible

avocadoincident Mon 21-Oct-19 10:08:55

Have you considered counselling?

Windmillwhirl Mon 21-Oct-19 10:11:20

He's right to go. He is looking for the kind of relationship you can't provide. Asking him to go off and sleep with other people so he will stay in the house is unreasonable.

You need to let him go.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 21-Oct-19 10:11:33

Do you love him at all OP?
Do you want to want to have sex with him, if things improved?
Basically, you have just gone off of him and got to the 'ick' stage, which means separation.
Or you think you can work on this.
Would he agree to sex therapy?
Does he know you don't enjoy sex with him? Does he know he's 'awful' at it? Have you ever discussed what you like and what you want him to do to you?

ShippingNews Mon 21-Oct-19 10:17:58

I did suggest he could date other people, and us stay together

But for most people that just isn't an option. You can't cancel your sex life but think that life can just go on as usual ( for you anyway) and that your husband must accept a "friends" relationship. That's a classic case of having your cake and eating it. You have to accept that a divorce is the next step.

Of course it's scary to step into divorce territory, but you have to make that step . See a lawyer and get on with it. Your husband deserves someone who wants to be with him , and you need to move on.

Notallitseemstobe Mon 21-Oct-19 10:19:13

I tried, a while back. But he only really finds one part of my body attractive, wouldn't touch anything else really and the combination of lack of feeling really wanted and resultant bad sex just means things have got to the point I can't handle the thought of it.

It would be easier if I could grin and bear it.

Singlenotsingle Mon 21-Oct-19 10:24:57

You can't really expect him to carry on like this forevermore. It's more just a business arrangement isn't it? He wants a normal loving relationship like everyone else. Maybe you should be the one to move out?

MzHz Mon 21-Oct-19 10:28:55

You need to go into psycho sexual counselling as a priority

If someone said they can’t stomach sex with me, that would be it! Game over.

Surely you can see that if it’s got to that stage, separation IS a very reasonable response!

You don’t want this, neither does he, but both of you are going to have to work all out to fix this.

You can’t just withdraw sex and expect a relationship to survive. You may have good reasons, but decisions have consequences. This it the time to fix this.

Aminuts23 Mon 21-Oct-19 10:30:36

You need to separate. You can’t grin and bear it. I tried that. It made me feel sick and violated. You both deserve better. It’s very sad for you both and I don’t think there’s any blame from what you’ve said.

JacquesHammer Mon 21-Oct-19 10:31:01

Has he actually ever given any thought to your pleasure?

Sounds like he wants a quick fuck to please him without any effort.

Would you want sex with him if he made an effort for it to be mutually enjoyable?

Notallitseemstobe Mon 21-Oct-19 10:32:38

I the idea now makes me feel ill and stressed.

I've told him it's menopause

JacquesHammer Mon 21-Oct-19 10:35:32

He can’t expect to put no effort in to your pleasure and expect the marriage to survive.

I think he’s right but it’s you that deserves more.

SunshineAngel Mon 21-Oct-19 10:40:34

It must be heartbreaking to hear your partner saying they can't stomach sex with you. That's just a horrible thing to tell him, it really is. You should have spoken to him saying that you don't feel like having sex, and why - but to say you can't stomach it makes it sound like he disgusts you, and that is not very nice for him to live with.

Also, saying he can date other people and stay together is silly. He will end up falling in love, and leaving you anyway.

If he wants to separate, it's what you have to do.

NumberblockNo1 Mon 21-Oct-19 10:41:02

My husband qont have sex with me, but he doesnt want swx with anybody.

Its been incredibly didficult to maintain life qith rhe kids in an asexual marriage.

I would adviae anyone to get out if they can. I t have an income, have the kids erc si am staying put but its huge emotional cost.

Longlongsummer Mon 21-Oct-19 10:43:03

It sounds like you are both in your own trenches - refusing to budge.

Do you still care and love each other? Have you a good history?

It’s a huge amount to throw away, a family. You can’t get that back. Sharing moments of your grand kids together. Sharing your lives that you have both built together.

I do think you cornered him by saying you never want sex again. That was a huge thing to throw at him. It wasn’t helpful. It wasn’t good. I’ve had a short time when I couldn’t actually physically have sex myself - but we still both had ‘sex’ and I loved it. That feeling of intimacy.

There is the physical sex part.

And the intimacy, the kissing the hugs. That is the basis I think. You need to reconnect at this level.

Why don’t you want either? If I were you I’d be sitting down and trying to free both of you. If your husband can back of trying to have sex with you, and you could just hold his hand. Start with that. Nothing else.

Go to counseling too, get some time to remember what you loved about him.

Don’t give up. Not yet.

Notallitseemstobe Mon 21-Oct-19 10:47:05

To clarify, I never said I couldn't stomach it.

Just that it was something I didn't think I could do, that it was a switch had turned on.

When I said menopause made it painful, which it has on occasion, he asked if I would pleasure him other ways. For what ever reason, the idea makes me want to burst into tears.

But it's such a lot to throw away. I know we both deserve more though.

Wotrewelookinat Mon 21-Oct-19 10:47:17

It really sounds like there are deeper issues here with your sexual relationship. If you are both willing to try to work things out and see a counsellor then that might help, if not for this relationship, then any future ones. But you both have to want to and be willing to change. If not, then the relationship is over I’m afraid.

Giraffey1 Mon 21-Oct-19 10:49:52

I think you need to be really honest here. Don’t lie about why you don’t want sex with him. Sit down with and talk to him about the way you feel and why. Tell him that that way he has treated you has contributed.
You need to decide whether this is a marriage you both want to fight for, and if so try some counselling to see if your aversion, and his approach, can be addressed.
If it can’t, or you’re not willing to have counselling, then it may be time to accept that you have different needs and that it it is time to call it quits.
There were many contributing factors to me deciding I wanted to end the marriage, and my husband’s complete lack of interest in sex - and how that might impact on me - was a big element. It’s not fair to expect one partner to have to give up sex just because you don’t want it. Nor is it realistic to expect the partner to go out and have liaisons just for sex, and stay with you. That’s not, for most people, the basis of a happy life!

KatyCarrCan Mon 21-Oct-19 10:51:23

It sounds as though you need to speak to someone. You sound traumatised. Relate offer individual online counselling which is quick and relatively inexpensive. I think you owe it to yourself and your DH, to work out why you feel the way you do and whether it's related to DH or something else.

cushionedlanding Mon 21-Oct-19 10:54:24

If he physically repulses you, it's over. That's what it sounds like. If not, then it can be salvaged with help.

Zaphodsotherhead Mon 21-Oct-19 10:54:52

I was in a similar situation. Menopause made sex painful, he was determined to crack on regardless, and I couldn't bear the thought of even touching him.

Our relationship was pretty much down the pan anyway and I think that was another reason I didn't want sex, I never felt close to him and he wouldn't cuddle or touch me or even be anywhere near if he could avoid it.

We split up. It wasn't just the sex (there were huge issues elsewhere i his behaviour etc), but now I no longer have that pressure of expectation, I feel much better.

Separate, OP. It may feel like a huge effort to do, but you will feel better in the end. If he's so bad, he won't have much luck with finding someone else to shag anyway.

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