Horrible fight with my sister

[aurorae0222]

So me, 24, and my sister, 37, hung out today. We went shopping and had lunch together. It was all great until she said to me she wants me to drop this nonsense with my biological mother and it turned into an ugly argument.

The background is situation is when I was 2 months old, she left. She walked out on us, me and my dad. I don’t know why and I really don’t want to know. I must admit while part of me has wondered in the past it’s gotten to a point where I don’t care anymore.

I didn’t know her, my sister was 12 when she left. They had a relationship and they still do. I on the other hand want nothing to do with her. I have never met with her and don’t want to meet with her. She wasn’t at my wedding, she hasn’t met my husband or baby and will never get the privilege of doing so if I can control it.

My sister is upset about it. She says that it’s our mother. She said she didn’t reside me to be like this. I was like what? You didn’t raise me. My dad and step mother did. She was always away at school when I was growing up. She called me a spoiled bitch and then she said something that really hurt. She is was like you think you have morals think again. She said my baby girl who is 6 months old is a bastard child because we weren’t married when we got pregnant! She said it was real classy getting pregnant our out of wedlock and not finishing school. I was 23.

She says she wants nothing to do with me. If I talk to my dad he would get pulled into this and i don’t want him to be in this position. I don’t want to talk to my husband about it he won’t understand. We got into a minor argument an hour ago because I came home in an emotional state, he asked what was wrong and I said I need some space and he summoned it was an argument with my sister and rightly so said if I don’t want to talk about it fine but don’t take it out on him.

I don’t know why but she makes me feel so small. She gets to me emotionally. I don’t understand it; I look up to her so much and she always treats me like nothing.

[areyouafraidofthedark]

Cut the poison bitch off. Apologise to your partner and tell him what happened, let him support you. Your child doesn't need to be around stuck up twats like her.

[marvellousnightforamooncup]

Agree with arehouafraid. Explain to your partner and LC/NC with sister. How dare she?

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

She sounds nasty. How dare she speak about your DD like that?

[lexiepuppy]

Wow! What century does your sister live in?
It doesn't matter whether you were married when you had your children or were not married, what matters is that they are loved, cared for and healthy.

How dare she invalidate you about your mother. She does sound incredibly toxic projecting all that spiteful stuff onto you.

I would definitely go NC or at least LC with her.
I had to go NC with my oldest sister as she is toxic. It is so much better and I wish I'd cut her out of my life sooner.

Anyone who is toxic and doesn't have your back, cut them out of your life.
I gave people chance after chance and all they did was walk all over me.

I have laid down boundaries and gone NC with a lot of nasty people.
Good luck!

[AloneLonelyLoner]

God she sounds truly awful.

You cut your mother off (as is your right) now do the same with this nasty piece of work.

[EKGEMS]

Damn. I've never met your sister but your post makes me want to slap her silly

[Mintjulia]

Wow, your sister is very judgemental, wierdly old-fashioned and pretty spiteful.
The things she said are nasty & irrelevant.

But where were they coming from? It sounds like she loves your mum, she thinks your refusal to see your mum is causing distress and she’s lashing out verbally because of that.
I’d not see her for a while, let things calm down.

[SnowyRacoon]

How do you know she has said all of these things if you have never met her?

[Iflyaway]

Is she jealous of you?

I can't believe she's 37 and spouted that rubbish about your child.

I'm 64 and I couldn't give 2 hoots if people are married or not. Their choices are none of my business.

[AgentJohnson]

Your sister has issues and the price you will pay for having her in your life is her toxicity, only you can decide if that price is worth paying.

This is who she is, there is a better version of her waiting around the corner.

[pennyhasdropped]

She's jealous of you, go NC and give yourself a break from this toxic woman. I fell out with my sister many years ago.. turns out she'd painted an awful picture of me to my two elder brothers (I hadn't seen them in years since my mother's passing) here we all are 10 yrs later and her lies have come to haunt her somewhat. It's totally your choice not to see your bio mother and nothing to do with her!

[Moondancer73]

You need to make it plain to your sister that you will never have a relationship with your mother and that she should think herself fortunate not to have been abandoned. Tell her that her outburst was unkind, uncalled for and will change nothing and that if she can't respect your decision you will cut ties with her. She sounds very blinkered.

[aurorae0222]

OMG my sister is nasty. I tried having a conversation with her and it lasted no more than 10 minutes before I hung up! Yeah for me!

So condescending and manipulative. I couldn’t take it, she called me spoiled and used terms like “princess” and “little girl”. I’m 24!

She challenged me to ask my dad how he really feels about me having a baby and not finishing school (I am 2 courses away from my architect degree and I left in my 2nd trimester). Told me how much it destroyed him because of it and then she says actually don’t bother because he won’t ever tell me the truth because he always wants to spare my feeling and protect me. So manipulative and evil trying to get into my head like that.

She got to me and at one time I actually told her she was right and that I am a f$$$ing loser and asked if she was happy now. I told her I am done with her.

Im so sad. I love her and looked up to her. She doesn’t care about me bit. She wants to hurt me for some reason.

Posters are right she isn’t worth it. I have my family. That’s all that really matters I guess

[Musti]

Does she have children? Maybe she's jealous of you? Or maybe subconsciously she blames you for your mother leaving? It must have been hard for her to lose her mum just before she became a teenager and it's obviously understandably had a huge effect on her. Not that it in any way excuses how she spoke to you. She's directing the anger and hurt that she feels about your mum to you I think.

[pennyhasdropped]

Definitely the green eyed monster.. either because you have a baby or your close relationship with your father. She's speaking down to you at the age of 24!! Steer clear for your own sanity.

[Teddy275]

99.9% of my problems with my sister boil down to jealousy and her competitiveness to be better than me.
My thoughts are that your sister is perhaps jealous at the life you have, the attention you receive off your father and the potentially lucrative and highly-thought of career you could soon be entering. It's hard to make this judgement without knowing your sisters situation, does any of it ring true?
She could also be jealous of the fact that you have been able to cut ties with your mother- if your mother can be a difficult/emotionally needy type then your sister may be wishing she could do the same, but as she already had that established relationship with her then it makes it harder.
Or, deep down, could she possibly blame you for mum leaving in the first place? There is quite an age gap between you so she may have noticed a big change in family dynamics when you were born?

Anyway, it's all speculation on our part- only you can deal with this and the only way I successfully manage my sister is to have extremely low contact. I don't give her the satisfaction of showing her how upset/furious/irritated I am nor do I share any details about my career/plans/life. The best way to reduce narcissistic behaviours like this is to give them nothing to 'feed on'. If I went nc with my sister or 'bit back' she'd be delighted because it would fuel many conversations about how unreasonable and unstable I am (to please her mind only) and how victimised she feels 🙄
You do not have to put up with this just because of the 'family' status.

[Beautiful3]

I honestly think you should keep away from her for a while. She is going to damage your mental health. Look after your self, partner and child. Keep going with your degree.

[aurorae0222]

I think everyone is right in that she might be jealous of me in that I have such a great relationship with my dad. He took care of us at great sacrifice to himself, and his happiness. He might have focussed his attention on me but I was 2 months old at the time. When I was around 4, he remarried and my stepmother took care of me and raised me while my sister was away at school. Maybe she is bitter about that.

Maybe she blames me for her mother leaving? I don't care. I've always told myself I have no mother. I have a dad, stepmother and a sister.

Other than that, she has no reason to be jealous. Like I said to her, I am the loser. She has a husband, two kids, and is a litigator. I have a husband I love who works at 4am (for whom I try to wake up to early morning for to spend time wither have coffee and try and make the most of our time together), and a baby girl but I have no education, no job or a lot of financial security. Hardly someone to be jealous about right?

@Teddy275 I try and not give her the satisfaction but It is so hard. I love her and I don't necessarily think it is reciprocated. Its rejection, it stings and it makes me want to cry every time I think about it.. And it is hard because I am an emotional person and I show it and I wear it. It is who I am.

Thanks for the support it has helped a lot. For now I am cutting her out because it is taking a mental and emotional toll on me. Just hope it doesn't destroy any relationship we have and that I'm the one repsonsible.

[aurorae0222]

@Beautiful3 thank you for the kind advice. She is damaging it but yes, I will try and focus on my family and I fully intend on finishing my degree in architecture. It is something I want for myself and more importantly something I promised my dad when I got pregnant.

[contrary13]

"When I was around 4, he remarried and my stepmother took care of me and raised me while my sister was away at school. Maybe she is bitter about that."

Or maybe, she feels doubly rejected. Think about it. Your mother left when you were a baby and your sister was 12. You stayed with your father, and then a few years later with a stepmother to love you, and comfort you, and tuck you into bed at night... whilst your sister was "sent away" to school.

Your mother left you both.

Your father sent her away, and kept you with him.

Obviously, your father kept you with him, because you were 2 months old - but at the same time, your sister wouldn't have understood that, and I suspect, deep down, still doesn't. Her sense of rejection at an age where children need to know their parents are there for them, must be immense... and then she looks at you, knowing that you had a childhood which she didn't get to have. Presumably there were issues which led up to your mother's abandonment of you both. Your sister, being that much older, probably heard arguments, fighting, felt the tension of a relationship in destruction mode. Her childhood must have been miserable... but you got to have a great one, if you weren't "sent away" to school at the age of 4 (I know a lot of prep/boarding schools who do take children at that age, and slightly younger!).

However. That doesn't excuse her disgusting tirade of abusive words concerning your daughter. An innocent in this tangled mess. Today, more babies are born outside of marriage, than they are within its confines. Does she have children? Perhaps, if you ever speak to her again, ask her how she would feel if someone were to speak of her children in the same way.

I know you probably won't want to hear this, OP, but I actually feel very sorry for your older sister. But if you feel NC is the way to go, then... purely for the way she dragged your daughter and your putting your education on hold for a while, into this row... there are many who will agree with your choice. It does sound to me, though, as if your sister might benefit from some counselling concerning her childhood - which would have been wholly different to yours (there's an 8 year age gap between my two, and they have had completely different childhoods, despite both having been raised by me and my ex).

[CountFosco]

I am 10 years older than my youngest sibling. We have very different views about our childhood at times because she can't remember things that I can (e.g. she thought I was lying when I said we weren't allowed to watch ITV as children). I do wonder if your DSis has got frustrated with your simplistic version of what happened when you were a baby: 'my bio mother abandoned me and I'll never forgive her'.

There's some missing information here and I suspect that's because you don't know it yourself but your sister (being much older) has a much better idea. Why did your Mum leave? She had parented your sister well enough for 12 years (otherwise she'd have no relationship with her either) then left you all when you were a tiny baby. You have a baby now, I'm sure you can't imagine leaving her so what was so terrible that your Mum left a long term relationship and her children? It can't just have been an ordinary marriage breakdown or even domestic violence or abuse from your Dad otherwise she would have kept you and your sister with her. Did she have postpartum psychosis? The timing would fit and if it wasn't recognised or treated it could have gone on for years (friend of a friend was sectioned when her DC was 5 or 6 because of it, child is now a teenager and her Mum still has mental health issues) and your Dad might have refused her access to you if she was mentally unwell (rather than her choosing to not see you). Or did she have any other mental health problems that had been going on before that then came to a head after you were born?

I think the timing of this argument is also meaningful. You now have a child who you intend to never meet her grandmother. Your DSis will know how this makes your mother feel but will have hoped having a child might have made you grow up a bit and not see things in such black and white terms. I think her horrible comments about your baby should be seen in that context. 50 years ago you would have been severely judged for the mistake of having a child out of wedlock just like you are judging your mother for something she did when you were a baby. If you made a mistake now do you think you should still be punished when you are 50? Or would you hope you could be forgiven?

You don't remember your Mum, only living in a loving family with your DDad and SM. Your DSis saw you being born then almost immediately her Mum leaving, her Dad remarrying, and was then sent away to school. Her teenage years were shit. Cut her some slack and try and think about why others might have behaved the way they did in a more grown up way than you have so far. Things will not be as straightforward as you think.

[aurorae0222]

Went to a dinner tonight/yesterday at my dad’s. Saw her for the first time since the fight. So much tension and very uncomfortable. Dad noticed but didn’t ask too much. He actually asked me what’s up with us.

She made comments all night. Husband was at home with our daughter. She commented on how he didn’t care to show up, how she hope he can take care of our daughter and that baby doesn’t go hungry. Commenting on my cousins kid being able to sleep through the night and my girl fusses and how she advised me to let my daughter cry herself to sleep to no avail. I can hear these things and it’s hurtful.

She talked about her friend getting engaged and how the fiancée agreed to a prenup and how I or as my sister put it “she should have insisted on one”. She tried to stir up trouble; my dad insisted on it, we fought about it and I called off the engagement (pregnancy hormones lol), and we had our biggest row over it(me and my dad).

I hate that we have had to go with little contact. I love my sister but she is horribly mean and condescending.

I understand she loves her mother; I have never said anything. She doesn’t understand or respect my decision no matter how I try and explain it; and I won’t justify it to her anymore. It’s my decision.

The way she tries to get into my head...making me second guess myself. I texted her asking her to give me a break and not involve other people (my dad and stepmother) but more importantly to leave my family alone and not talk shit about my husband when he isn’t there to defend himself. Why would you continue to make horrible comments about an infant.

Why is this so hard?

[MollyButton]

It is so hard because you are letting it.
You do need to talk to your Dad and Step Mom, and make sure there are no more Dinners with both you and your sister there. It is not going to go well, brief visits which are easily escapable are the most you should be doing.

To be honest with all of those snide comments I'd be relieved.

[areyouafraidofthedark]

Why are you still sworn your sister? Stop all contact with her and don't visit family if she will be there. Give yourself a break from it all and then decide how you want to proceed. Your torturing yourself for no reason.

[areyouafraidofthedark]

Seeing*