BF of two months annoyed I booked holiday without him(120 Posts)
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I've been seeing my BF a couple of months - met on an app and things got fairly serious quick. Great chemistry, generally have a good time etc, although there's been one instance I thought he was being controlling/insecure and I almost ended it. But appear to be back on track now.
I'd planned to go away just after Christmas but not booked anything. I do this every year - am a big travel fan and normally travel alone.
He is separated (2 years) with 3 teenage kids. The weekend before Christmas he is doing Christmas family stuff with his ex and the kids, then she's going away and he has the kids over Christmas for 7-10 days. I'm cool with this despite the family weekend thing seeming a bit strange.
He also travels a bit for work - he's self employed and it's his choice to do so. I'm cool with that too- I have plenty of stuff to keep me occupied.
In short, I'm happy for us to both do stuff independently.
We vaguely discussed a holiday together after Christmas but I thought it was too soon to book a "big" trip together. It would seem sensible to do a low-cost weekend rather than a two week adventure to the other side of the world (as I am planning).
I thought he understood that and booked my solo holiday - albeit it not to my preferred country as he wanted to go there too and we discussed doing it in the future. But I've booked somewhere else really cool that I also want to go to.
He's pissed off. Reckons we were still discussing things and I clearly don't want him to come. I've been flat out at work and desperately need a holiday. I met my last BF on a trip and had a fling with a fellow traveller since then. He thinks I always pull on holiday. But I was single in the past and I don't cheat.
AIBU? Two months seems soon to include him in future travel plans - which overlap with him having his kids anyway.
I don’t think you’re unreasonable! Maybe you should have told him before you booked it as a courtesy but if you want to
Do a solo trip that’s fine at any stage of a relationship!
I did actually tell him and he thought I was joking apparently.
Looks like another example of him being controlling
Well....you don't want him to come, do you? This is completely reasonable. As you say, it's been far too short a time, he's got his kids then, you're happy travelling alone. You didn't go to your first choice place so you can still go there together.
You've done nothing wrong. He's being unreasonable. Tell him you're not ready for that kind of trip with him plus all the other reasons he states. He can't make you more ready. What does he want you to do - not go if he doesn't?! 🤔
I actually think we'd get on fine on the trip. But I am reluctant to plan that far ahead and commit money together when I am still a little unsure about him - another controlling incident and I'm out.
But when it's good, it's good...and I won't be controlled, I'm doing everything socially I did pre-him and will continue to do so.
My dh and I have been together 11 years. We both still take holidays alone without the other. I would never give it a second thought. Even in a long term relationship, it’s normal and healthy to do things on your own. At 2 months, it’s way too soon to be dealing with this sort of drama.
He's now done two things you see as controlling. If you can't wave goodbye now, for goodness sake set a limit and stick to it. You've already booked a second-best holiday because of him.
You have made a compromise by changing your preferred destination. He should acknowledge that with adult maturity and grace.
He expected you to cancel what you normally do just after Christmas, despite him being booked up with his kids for a good part of the time?
Think you know the answer to this one OP.
Be alert in the coming months to any further red flags.
This is another controlling incident in itself. I wouldn’t give up my solo travel for anybody and if it’s important to you and he doesn’t like you doing it then you are not compatible. You are sensible not to travel together when you aren’t sure about him. End the relationship and go enjoy yourself on holiday.
It's good you're being cautious because I reckon he will get more controlling if the relationship continues.
Maybe just end it now!
Any 'relationship' that gets serious after 2 months has red flags waving all over it anyway. He's controlling and weird and you should heed the signs.
Your boundaries are stretching op...
. Ltb before you go.
Re. Being serious. It's a tricky one. If he was vague, inconsistent, didn't care etc after two months, that would be a red flag too? We probably see each other twice a week, text the other days, had the exclusive chat etc Although I do get your point.
You are writing your own answers OP!
You are being very sensible. Keep an eye out.
The worst thing here - the major red flag - is him thinking you will cheat on him because you 'pull' when you travel.
That is neurotic, obsessive, frankly offensive - comparing your behaviour when single and making disparaging comparisons with how you might behave.
massive massive red flag - - he sounds like a jealous, petty, insecure person. Is he going to keep bringing this up, then nag and whine when you go on the holiday?
I'd be far too embarrased to be that clingy and whiny after two months.
I can sort of see both sides...
On the one hand, you are right, 2 months is too soon for any sort of commitment and knowing that you will still be together in another 3-4 months.
On the other hand, it probably looks to him like you have doubts that you will be together, and that probably makes him feel a bit shitty.
I don't think someone being upset that you are going away without them - especially when it appears that he wants to go with you, is necessarily controlling. Equally, I don't think you are in the wrong for wanting to do your own thing. You just have different ideas about it. Whether it is reconcilable, I can't say....
But he's got his kids , Oakmaiden, hes not bluddy available anyway.
Should she give up her usual pattern? After 2 months?
She's made the compromise. Up to him how he deals with it.
And if he doesn't trust her....etc etc.....
How often is that quoted on here? Usually about 'him' though......
It’s not looking good, OP... that’s two strikes already.
The holiday is almost as far away as your relationship is long! He’s being ridiculous.
He sounds insecure, possessive and controlling.
These would all be red flags for me.
Bear in mind that nasty men are often great at first - it’s a mask that just slips occasionally.
I’d honestly reconsider the relationship.
It doesn't sound great, no.
Are you able to say what the other controlling incident was about?
Though I'd say as a second one has flared up already in such a short time, it might be best to write this guy off now.
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