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.... I'm not. DH just staggered in at 6am.

(253 Posts)
ContessaLovesTheSunshine Sat 19-Oct-19 06:11:54

He has a history of relying heavily on alcohol but has been doing better this year after a crisis last Christmas, in which he ended up in A and E. He does still have a regular Friday night outing though.

For the past 2 weeks he's been out late, or so I thought, and so yesterday he assured me that it wouldn't be a late one.

He's just staggered in and been sent upstairs to DS2's empty room (DC are 8 and 7yo - DS2 currently in my bed)

I am so angry, and just plain sick of him and his shit.

I'd appreciate a handhold or some advice on how to manage this please. He is notoriously resistant to accepting any kind of culpability for wrongdoing - I can hear the accusations of controlling behaviour now.

Divorce looking much more real this morning.....

VeniVidiVoxi Sat 19-Oct-19 06:16:39

After living with an alcoholic for years all I can say is nothing will change unless they want it to, and even then it's not easy. Look after yourself and the kids. X

DaisyDreaming Sat 19-Oct-19 06:17:02

I hope someone more knowledgable is along soon but I didn’t want to leave your thread without someone giving you a hand hold. I’m sorry things are so crappy. The relationships board have people in similar situations and can also give you advice on what to do to get the ball rolling if you do want to split. Sending lots of love

KatherineJaneway Sat 19-Oct-19 06:17:13

Sorry you are having to go through this.

You said he got better for a while, was that on his own or with some form of help?

NoSauce Sat 19-Oct-19 06:17:48

How often does this happen OP? If it’s a regular thing and he’s not willing to even accept that it’s inappropriate then yes, I would be sitting him down and telling him that you aren’t carrying on with the relationship.

What was the crisis? Has he got over that now.

Halloumiwrap Sat 19-Oct-19 06:19:57

Ok, this is horrible, he’s definitely BU but you need to resist all temptation to fly off the handle (he totally deserves it and you’d be well within your rights too but he’ll only use it against you).
Let him sleep it off today (he’ll be expecting you to wake him). Can you go out somewhere nice with your children? When he has recovered, sit down and calmly tell him that you are not accepting this anymore. Outline how you expect him to be change and what help you expect him to get and tell him you will leave him if things don’t change. He will take it more seriously if you are calm and well thought out than if you are shouting.
Say you will leave and mean it. Don’t be afraid of leaving him, you will be happier than you are now and he is not currently being a good father to your children or setting them a good example of how to be an adult/husband/father.

TheCanterburyWhales Sat 19-Oct-19 06:20:03

You could probably do with a thread in relationships rather than AIBU
But, no matter what his inner demons are, your children are growing up thinking a) an alcoholic manchild is what mummy chose so it's normal, and good b) women stay in while men do what they want

Harsh and true

If I tell you my dad sounds like your husband. I remember him sleeping downstairs, throwing up in the kitchen, my Mum sleeping in my bed. The rows

They divorced when I was 6 and I'm now 54. I despise people like the person my dad was. I still remember his pathetic behaviour almost 50 years later.

flowers

notsohippychick Sat 19-Oct-19 06:20:16

Hello lovely. So, I’m a recovering alcoholic so I’ve been in your OH position, my partner in yours. I have children of a similar age.

If he has a history of being reliant on booze it sounds like he can’t moderate his intake. In fact most people who have alcohol issues can’t. He needs to face the fact that drinking alcohol isn’t an option for him. He obviously can’t stop once started. Big red flag.

My advice to you is talk to him. Tell him you think he needs help as drinking alcohol is clearly not working for him. Certainly not for you. Your children are getting old enough to remember and be effected by his drinking. Not to mention your own mental health and well bejng.

Today may not be a good time to address it. Go about your day with your children, but it needs to be addressed ASAP.

Thinking of you lovely. Have a nice day with your children......if he can’t stop drinking start thinking of options available to you and your kids xx

MrsTishellsNeckBrace Sat 19-Oct-19 06:22:39

flowers hand hold. In fact special offer I'll throw in an unmumsnetty hug too. Will you be able to go back to sleep or are you so pissed off you're now awake awake. if so put the kettle on - we can share a cyber cuppa brew

sandgrown Sat 19-Oct-19 06:29:42

I feel for you OP my partner does not go out but drinks lots at home . He regularly fall asleep on the sofa then comes to bed about 6am and wakes me up banging about. Fortunately no small children but our teenage son has definitely been affected by his dad's mood swings. DP regularly says he is giving up alcohol but it never lasts and his moods in withdrawal are awful.
Have a serious talk with him and if he will not try and stop you need to think about your future together . Good Luck.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine Sat 19-Oct-19 06:29:57

Thank you all. I've just been googling properties to rent nearby for if/when I move out, which is a cheery way to start the day.

Last year's crisis was him coming home from town in the early evening in a right state, crying and saying he was having a stroke. Had to take him to A and E with kids in car (dropped them at friend's en route) and we got told at AE that he had an alcohol dependency, or the start of one. I asked him to go to AA, I asked him to get counselling, I told him divorce was my next step if nothing improved. He sought no help or counselling but did drink less (no booze in house, and I'd got good at spotting it here/on him). The regular Friday night out came back though, and has culminated in this.

My kids are old enough to see, understand and remember. DS1in particular remembers last Christmas and how Daddy kept talking about how he must be dying.

OliviaBenson Sat 19-Oct-19 06:35:06

Daughter of an alcoholic here too. My advice is leave, or make him leave.

Christmas for me was marred by my dads drinking. I still hate Christmas today as it's very triggering for me.

He won't change. Alcohol is his priority.

Babymamamama Sat 19-Oct-19 06:37:54

It sounds really stressful. Have another handhold from me. From that last post it seems he has been given all the info last Christmas but has to make his own decision to stop permanently but maybe he isn’t at that point to make that choice. You and your children are important. Could he move out? Get a place in rehab I wonder? Or in a rented flat?

NoSauce Sat 19-Oct-19 06:39:10

I’m sorry OP, I misunderstood your crisis comment and thought that he’s been drinking because if something bad that had happened.

It’s time to leave him OP. For yourself and your children, he’s shown no attempt in trying to change. It’s very sad for him but it’s sadder for you and your dc and you all deserve more. I doubt he will change.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine Sat 19-Oct-19 06:40:27

Thanks for offer of cyber brew - it is appreciated. No chance of going back to bed as DS2 gets up at 5.30am and demands that the day starts at 6.30.

H has just tried to get into our bed and I had to raise my voice to get him to understand he needed to fuck off. DS1 asked why daddy couldn't be here and I explained that he'd been at a friend's house all night drinking and only just come home, and that I hadn't known where he was and was worried. DS1's eye roll was a sight to behold. He said 'You'd think a 47 year old could do better than that. I can do better than that and I'm 8'.

H just tried to come back to our bed again and has been dispatched again. He says I'm being unreasonable. Fucking arsehole. What planet do you have to fucking live on to think that?

ContessaLovesTheSunshine Sat 19-Oct-19 06:43:30

The part that annoys me is that he will just act like nothing is wrong, again, and like I am the unreasonable one for keeping the subject open. I've got plans for this weekend too; DS2 and I are off to London for a night. I can confidently predict that H and DS1 will spend a nice 2 days together and that H, once sober, will do lots of decorating/tidying/boring house jobs, then act offended and insulted that I could possibly criticise such a heroic specimen for actions as long ago as Friday once I get back home.

notsohippychick Sat 19-Oct-19 06:43:32

I’m just thinking of how you can tackle some of his responses to you addressing this issue.

He’s likely to say “I only drink occasionally” or “I’ve cut back” or “I don’t drink everyday”. Even if this is true, alcohol clearly remains a problem. He may not drink everyday but his attitude to it when he does screams of problematic drinking. I’m sure many adults don’t go out and roll in at 6 am when you have kids and a wife at home. Maybe once a year but as you say this is happening too much lately.

You don’t have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic. The key is he clearly can’t just have one or two, he can’t stop when he starts.

If he’s not happy to go to a support group maybe get him to look at the Facebook page “Club Soda”......it’s a closed group, loads of advice and support. You can join to, it may be helpful for you too.

lolaflores Sat 19-Oct-19 06:44:25

The alcoholism is his problem. He should move out.
The kids luves dint need anymore disruption thanks about to happen.
I guarantee you that he will ot stop. He is dependant on alcohol and needs professional help. More than likely 6 months to a year in a treatment facility if he seriously wants to stop and ot start again.

Do not try to negotiate with him. He will try to cut another deal that kicks this shit down the road for another 6 months which will add up to another 6 months of pain and worry for u and your kids.

I kicked out an alcoholic ex partner. It was easier because he was a violent bastard who tried to strangle me. He made my life a misery. At the end, I trusted not a single word that came out of his mouth. We did t have kids but I had DD from a previous relationship.

You are bot more powerful than his relationship with drink. The only thing u can control is your life and what you want in it. If he goes, he goes until he gets his shot together. If he does show the capacity and wish to change, thenbtuats somethingbto build on, if not...

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 19-Oct-19 06:47:36

Your 8 yo ds is telling you everything you need to know about what your next step is. Why can you not kick him out?

MrsMozartMkII Sat 19-Oct-19 06:48:26

Nothing useful to add.

From what I've read on here alcoholics have to want to change. It's a legal addiction and can be very hard to break free from, but if he doesn't even want to try then you're on a hiding to nothing.

A hand hold from me lass.

thespellhasbeenbroken123 Sat 19-Oct-19 06:51:06

Op id love to private message you but don't even know how
In such a similar situation😞
But too scared to post about it x

ContessaLovesTheSunshine Sat 19-Oct-19 06:52:28

Why can you not kick him out?

How, practically, does one do this?
Me: You need to leave.
H: No, shan't.
Believe me, if I thought there was any chance of him paying attention to what I was saying then I'd say it. But to say it and just be ignored makes it obvious how little influence I have. So I don't say it. If that makes sense.

WhoKnewBeefStew Sat 19-Oct-19 06:52:45

You can't help an alcoholic that doesn't want to be helped

LL83 Sat 19-Oct-19 06:52:48

The alcohol experiment is brilliant if he does decide to try and stop. You pledge to quit for 30 days (easier than forever) and along the way realise alcohol is not something you want any more.

Divorce may be best option if he wont admit problem. Good luck

Aquamarine1029 Sat 19-Oct-19 06:54:53

I would send him packing.

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