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Kind husband , but troubles are huge .

108 replies

Ursula555 · 17/10/2019 22:30

Have been married 30 years . When we met I was attracted to him as he was kind , loyal and adventurous . We travelled a lot together and had good careers , then became parents . We had got used to being just us and some deepish issues arose .
For example , I didn’t realise that once I had dc I wanted to be a stay at home mum . He resented this . He wanted an ‘ equal ‘ partnering terms of work outside the home , and wanted to each work part time and did not want to be the bread winner . On my part , having been brought up by relatives not my parents , I didn’t realise until after I had our first dc that I would feel I strongly wanted to stay at home . We went to counselling and appeared to sort things . I was still at the tail end of breastfeeding dc 1 and got pregnant with dc two. Dh did not tell me at the time , but he felt upset and angry because he felt “ totally fucked “ and would still have to be the breadwinner as we would have a toddler and a baby . He became withdrawn , quiet and I sensed anger but he said things were fine when asked . He , years later told me that he was in fact depressed at this prospect and felt angry and helpless but couldn’t tell “ a pregnant woman that “ .
So on we go .. after dc2 was born I stayed at home and he got promoted .
He said , again retrospectively , that he felt very apart from me at this time . He looked at a porn mag and I must admit I was so upset . I know a lot of people would say this is fine but as a mother with two tiny dc I felt humiliated . I have ( this so difficult to say ) a history of being sexually abused by a family member which made me feel a female used as an object and the porn use left me feeling that my dh used another female for gratification on a similar continuum .
I know my feelings may not be ‘ normal ‘. I said that I couldn’t cope with it .. it was k bottom line . He said he used it was he felt away from me .- which I utterly don’t understand .
I said of course he had the choice to use it but it wasn’t ok with me , bottom line . He said he decided not to use it again . I said if he did wish to then tell me but I had to be honest that it would be the end for me if he did .
A couple of years later I find a mag ( just a normal one ,) with a pic of a bare breasted woman in - my magazine in fact . .. some tissues next to it above the loo. Open and left there .
I know it wasn’t porn but I felt lied to as it felt similar .
It has affected my trust in him
.
I feel I should in some ways have left him
But I didn’t as two small dc and no job .
It’s harmed our relationship as I feel so fragile about it and that he would risk our relationship for that - I tried and tried to rationalise it and we also had counselling .
Since then it’s like the elephant in the room in our relationship . He says he genuinely didn’t consider it as porn .
I feel so terrible because the effects of the abuse is probably affecting and distorting something that other women would not see as a problem . Yes , we and I had counselling . It feels like a wound still . He has withdrawn as he used to and seems to have lost confidence . We have tried and tried . He says he loves me and wants us to be happy yet he won’t cuddle me or anything as he feels anxious now .
We are like flat mates.
I know we are both decent people who used to have fun and share things . We both feel sad .
We don’t know wether to split up or to try , somehow to improve things . We are not going to counselling again .

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snottysystem · 17/10/2019 22:54

do you have a sexual relationship or did you at the time of the magazines?

tbh whilst I wouldn't like to find a porno, I don't think it's a marriage ending issue. It sounds like he is very resentful about being the breadwinner. Are you working now? I'm assuming you will be if you divorce? Something has to change in your relationship if you want to move on.