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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Why am I so crap at life?

16 replies

AlwaysMessingUp · 15/10/2019 18:37

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Why am I so crap at life?1
Today 17:48AlwaysMessingUp

I have name changed for this as some of the details are quite outing, but am a long term poster and reader.

Please be gentle with me. I suffer from quite bad anxiety , but I have been working on that recently and taking medication, and things have felt a bit more manageable. One of the strategies I have been working on is bringing up issues that upset or hurt me in my marriage and in friendships, as and when they happen and not letting them fester. There haven't been many issues recently. This approach has helped me improve various relationships and it means I don't retreat into stroppy/resentful/petulant silence, which I know I can be prone to. However, I do find these conversations very, very hard.

I needed to speak to a friend about something last night. She is a friend, but I also know her in a work capacity as I am one of her regular clients (think personal trainer type stuff but not actually a PT). I pay the regular going rate and have been a client for years. I respect her a great deal, and she has always been very honest and direct with me, sometimes painfully so. I have always thought she was a kind person.

Anyway, I brought up the issue face to face, tried to be as positive and constructive as possible. It wasn't a personal issue as such, more feedback as a client. She became really, really angry and aggressive, told me I had made her feel like shit, was sarcastic and shouty. The whole thing has really thrown me. I couldn't sleep last night, have been struggling to focus all day at work.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I keep getting life wrong no matter how hard I try. I haven't contacted her since the exchange last night as I figured she would want time and space.

Now I feel like I have lost a friend and can't return to an activity I previously enjoyed and really helped with my mental health. It just feels horrible.

I feel so hopeless right now. I keep getting it wrong no matter how hard I try.

OP posts:

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MikeUniformMike · 15/10/2019 18:44

You are not crap.
Without knowing the details, your not personal trainer might have got used to you not criticising her and been caught off guard.
If she is a true friend, it will all come out in the wash.
If not, I'm sure there are other not personal trainers out there.

AlwaysMessingUp · 15/10/2019 19:01

Thanks. My "not personal trainer" does have a very big and devoted clientele, yes, so perhaps is not used to critical feedback. She is excellent at what she does a lot of the time but I think does have an issue with people disagreeing with her. I wasn't expecting that level of anger though.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 15/10/2019 19:09

What did you say to her?

AlwaysMessingUp · 15/10/2019 19:11

That I had some concerns about the way the service was delivered and those meant I hadn't enjoyed it as much recently.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 15/10/2019 19:17

That sounds reasonable enough. If she was angry that is not right.
I would let her cool down. If she apologises, accept it and try again.
I would think about looking for another not personal trainer.

In such relationships, you need to have a rapport, and perhaps the new assertive you has changed the dynamic.

You're not crap. You come across as a nice person.

AlwaysMessingUp · 15/10/2019 19:22

Thank you, I try to be. I spent last night cursing myself for not keeping my mouth shut, but I suspect it would have happened at some point anyway.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 15/10/2019 19:30

I have only heard your side of the story but maybe she did too.

Sometimes friendship aren't all that good for you, and you might want to review them.
It sounds like you are getting stronger. Stop blaming yourself.Sometimes it really is them.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2019 19:35

This really isn't a true "friendship", though. You pay her for a certain service, therefore you are a client, and the lines between a paying customer and friend can get very skewed. In every day life, would you even be friends with her or her with you? Your paying her kind of makes her a captive audience. Regardless, she certainly didn't behave well when you spoke to her about your concerns.

AlwaysMessingUp · 15/10/2019 19:39

Aquamarine I do think that might be part of the issue - ie blurred boundaries between business and pleasure. But we do have quite a bit in common and have met up outside of her work, eg for a drink, trip to the cinema

OP posts:

Geogaddi · 15/10/2019 21:09

you sound a lot like me. Anxiety gives you this wonderful ability to obsess over something and go round and round and round in thought circles. It's totally crushing and really hard to break that cycle. You also sound like a kind person who wants a quiet life and doesn't like to upset people.

We dont know what you said to this woman, chances are it was something pretty minor. Next time you see her just apologise, just say something really quick like "i'm sorry if i upset you, that wasn't my intention". Then leave it at that.

The main thing it to try really hard not to worry about pissing her off (easier said than done i know.) we ALL annoy people sometimes, it's part of life. It's being able to shurg it off that's the real challenge. Good luck my sweet, i have been there as well.

AlwaysMessingUp · 15/10/2019 23:04

Thank you Geogaddi. You're right, it's the ability to shrug it off that is key. At the moment it feels like a bruise I can't stop pressing. Ridiculous, I know.

OP posts:

DocusDiplo · 15/10/2019 23:09

She sounds slightly unhinged shouting at a client. I agree with a pp about you growing stronger. Keep going. Move on to a new class. (Or continue going if you like the other participants). Find new friends. Good luck!

AlwaysMessingUp · 16/10/2019 07:10

Thank you!

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 16/10/2019 07:18

What exactly did you say to her op? What you've paraphrased clearly sounds reasonable. And it would not normally illicit the response that you got. Unless she struggles with her mental health.

So I think this may be down to exactly what you said and how you said it.

AlwaysMessingUp · 16/10/2019 13:37

Bluntness I can't repeat it in full here as it would be too outing. But I did try to keep it as calm and professional as possible, didn't raise my voice or anything like that. I was taken aback by the response to be honest.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 16/10/2019 15:01

Just reword it a little,please.

it's difficult to get the gist of whether it was something to get wound up about.

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