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Fibro ruining our relationship

(20 Posts)
WagathaChristie Sun 13-Oct-19 16:43:56

My husband has fibro. It affects most of his body and due to this he no longer works I now have 3 jobs and do all running around and life admin while he during the week does basic housework and 2 school runs (5 minute walks).

We are not getting on he does not support me and flies off the handle at stupid things.
Also I'm constantly stressed over money and feel like everything is on me.
Everything he does lately annoys me and I know I'm getting on his nerves.
My argument is he won't leave the house or do anything to help himself. He rarely comes anywhere with me and this year we went to the cinema once and he came to Asda with me once. 🤦🏻‍♀️
His argument is I don't understand how much pain he is in and how hard things are for him, which I don't but I try to help and be supportive.

If we split up he will either be classed as the main caregiver because he's with the dc while I work all week or he will be stuck with nothing and I will have to finish work and everyone will think I'm heartless for leaving and I do actually love him to be fair I just don't like him very much at the moment and I'm sure he feels the same.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting just wanted a moan.

pointythings Sun 13-Oct-19 17:56:24

Fibro is incredibly horrible. My 16yo DD has it. She's in constant pain and it affects every aspect of her life - including her sleep, which is consistently poor. A simple thing like going out to ASDA can use up the entirety of her energy reserves for the day, especially if he is in the middle of a flare-up.

He needs to do what he can to improve his quality of life - this involves pacing himself by taking regular rest breaks interspersed with activity and finding forms of exercise which are beneficial - regular swimming is one of these. He needs to eat healthily, have a good bedtime routine and communicate well. If he is struggling to come to terms with his diagnosis, he needs to find a support group and look into accessing counselling. He needs to manage his moods better.

And so do you. For your part, you really need to look into what life is like with fibro. Your post comes across as somewhat dismissive, and I'm sure that isn't what you intend.

It's easier for me because I am the parent and that comes with unconditional love, but fibro means making massive adjustments to daily life. I hope you find a way to make it.

CrazyCatLady13 Sun 13-Oct-19 18:59:02

I have fibro. I work part time in a demanding job (I appreciate this isn't possible for everyone.) I do force myself to do things, like go out with DH, knowing it will make me feel rubbish for days, as the alternative is spending my spare time on the sofa. I don't do as much with DH as he would like, but think it's important to try. He needs to gradually build up his stamina, it took me nearly two years to be able to work again but it was worth it.

Ilikewinter Sun 13-Oct-19 19:03:02

My friend has fibro and manages to work 2 days a week and then looks after her disabled son and her critically ill mum...ive seen the pain shes in and wonder how she does it somedays.

Jada1234 Sun 13-Oct-19 19:45:29

People suffer with fibro differently.some can work, some can do housework. Some cant even get out of bed let alone walk out the front door. I have fibro at first I could work. As years has past it's got worse.some days I can even get out of my bed. My husband couldn't understand it he took everything I couldn't do as personal. Now we're going through divorce and only now realises that it's been my condition all through marriage that has held me back and I cant help being ill.

SusieOwl4 Sun 13-Oct-19 21:26:11

its such a horrible thing to suffer from . I feel for both of you tbh .

CileyMayRhinovirus Sun 13-Oct-19 21:41:41

Some areas offer NHS counselling for pain and/or long term health conditions. I would encourage him to do that if available because it will give him coping strategies. Has he overhauled his diet and is he on any medication? Fibro is hard to treat and medicate, but can still be improved through CBT, nutrition, exercise, self help techniques and/ or medications, and if/when he feels up to any of Those things I think that it would feel like he is working on the issue and moving in the right direction. Obviously not in the peak of a bad episode. I'm not going to advocate for kicking a man when he's down, just helping him get back up.

I would also suggest you get some personal counselling. It might help you set clear boundaries and limits on the relationship, and also give you the space to deal with your feelings about being in or leaving a relationship if that's what you decide. You are not obligated to stay with him, it's a shitty choice but you do still have one. There may be support groups for carers, also, and although you may not technically see yourself as his carer, if he could not cope without you because you have picked up the slack because of his health condition, essentially that is what you are.

Has he looked into personal independence payment? It is not means tested, but can be difficult to get with fluctuating health conditions/ disabilities, but it couldn't harm to find out if you may be eligible.

outherealone Mon 14-Oct-19 00:51:14

I have fibromyalgia as a single working mum and it’s killing me. If I didn’t have to work I wouldn’t. Try and get a referral to pain clinic or Nhs fibromyalgia support classes. They gave sessions where you can bring your partner to establish facts, support needs for both and ideas for doing things differently
It may help you to work more in partnership together

WagathaChristie Mon 14-Oct-19 05:47:19

Thanks everyone he's already under the pain clinic and gets basic rate pip.

He refuses all help he didn't like the groups, he won't do the stuff they recommend.
I've tried to buy him cbd, he didn't like the taste, bought him hundreds of different pillows, comfort things, bath oils and potions that are meant to help.

Basically it feels like I'm meant to leave him to do thing while I cope with everything else and if I complain I'm the bitch who doesn't understands disability.

FriedasCarLoad Mon 14-Oct-19 08:03:02

I think PPs meant CBD = Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, but it sounds like he might not be up for that.

pointythings Mon 14-Oct-19 17:23:33

I think OP means CBD, which is cannabis oil and has been shown to have some benefit for fibro patients. It's legal to buy in the UK, but hard to get quality controlled stuff.

But all that is academic if OP's DH isn't engaging with treatment and therapeutic regimes. He has to do some of the hard work, he can't just play the victim. My 16 year old is trying harder than he is...

AFistfulofDolores1 Mon 14-Oct-19 21:23:03

I'm so sorry that your DH is going through this, but, honestly, his recovery is his sole responsibility. Sure, you can support him; but he needs to do the heavy-lifting, and while that can be really fucking hard with fibro, he does need to do it if he wants to start feeling better.

Fibro is a constant and consistent process of taking responsibility - no matter the odds, no matter how shit you're feeling, no matter how much or how little outside support you get. If you can't do it, no-one can. You are only as healthy as you allow yourself to be.

I say this as someone who was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2001. It's shit. And if I want to feel better, I must fucking get on with it.

Jada1234 Mon 14-Oct-19 22:16:09

As I said before there are different measures of fibromyalgia some have it mildly and some have it so severe that they become bedbound. Not because they dont want to be healthy because they are truly ill. If anyone has some nasty to say about someone else's fibro because they have the same and can do everything. Then clearly it's not severe fibro for them,but maybe in the future.

outherealone Mon 14-Oct-19 23:23:19

All of this:

*AFistfulofDolores1

I'm so sorry that your DH is going through this, but, honestly, his recovery is his sole responsibility. Sure, you can support him; but he needs to do the heavy-lifting, and while that can be really fucking hard with fibro, he does need to do it if he wants to start feeling better.

Fibro is a constant and consistent process of taking responsibility - no matter the odds, no matter how shit you're feeling, no matter how much or how little outside support you get. If you can't do it, no-one can. You are only as healthy as you allow yourself to be.

I say this as someone who was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2001. It's shit. And if I want to feel better, I must fucking get on with it.*

I have fibro and nobody but myself and my children live here. I have no bloody choice but to get on with so I grab everything I possibly can to make life more bearable for the three of us, courses, try all the drugs, prescribed and alternative, quack practitioners, beating down the door of the nhs...
It feels like it’s getting much worse. I have no idea why and I have no choice but to carry on working, parenting and running a house. I wouldn’t be able to even consider these things if I hadn’t been on these programmes and done a shitload of trial and error, compromising and sometimes giving up altogether!
You can’t do all the work ad um . He must take some responsibility otherwise it becomes you having the piss taken out of you while he feels vindicated and filled with self pity.

BumbleBeee69 Mon 14-Oct-19 23:34:19

Can you find him a one bed flat OP flowers

WagathaChristie Tue 15-Oct-19 11:02:28

Thankyou all.

I was terrified to post because I was scared I would be flamed for being heartless.

My point is that as shitty as it is he has fibro for life and he isn't engaging in helping himself which is then impacting on us all. I also have an ill daughter who is having a small op tomorrow and it is me who has booked time off work,me who will speak to the doctors and me who will deal with it all.

I'm not heartless I know that he has good and bad days and when he's having a flare I always send him to bed and do what I can to help.

He can't stay inside for the rest of his life Which is what he seems to want to do.

We had a good chat on Sunday and I told him how down I was feeling and he said he understands but I don't know I love him and I don't want to split up but he's just so closed off to any suggestions of help.

WagathaChristie Tue 15-Oct-19 11:04:07

Meant to post I'm giving it until Christmas because I have too much other stuff going on until then and then I'm spending next year trying to get him to engage with other therapies and the stuff the pain clinic offers but if he won't at least try I think that will be it because then I've given it my best.

CileyMayRhinovirus Tue 15-Oct-19 11:46:30

Sounds to me like there might be a mental health element here. Depression and fibro go hand in hand, but treating the depression can help mean that the person is better able to deal with the fibro and get the help they need. Sounds like he's given up/given in and that is incredibly hard to live with, and actually part of managing any long term health problem is working out to mitigate the effects on other people, by accessing carers if we need to or a wheelchair or whatever other form that takes.

GothyGeisha Tue 15-Oct-19 11:57:23

I have fibromyalgia, I found an App called Curable, it has helped me enormously, and lots of other people too. There is a Facebook group too.

picklemepopcorn Sat 09-Nov-19 14:15:11

Thanks for that Geisha! I'll go and have a look. I was diagnosed this year.

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