Husband and live cams

[hurtandconfused19]

I’ve recently found out my husband has spent over £250 on cam girls over the last year. We had a conversation years ago where I expressed I’d be unhappy if he was using those kind of sites as I didn’t like the interactivity aspect.
At first he said it was a one off and that he was sorry and wouldn’t do it again but I soon found out it was a much bigger problem.
After many discussions we have decided to work through this but I’m not sure how to learn to trust him again?
I feel like I can’t go to bed early as I don’t know what he’ll be doing when I’m not there.

[Idontwanttotalk]

"I feel like I can’t go to bed early as I don’t know what he’ll be doing when I’m not there."
The trust has gone. Sadly, the relationship is over.

[WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName]

As pp said, trust is gone. Sorry OP. Spending family money on that is outrageous too.

[MrsDemeanor]

He probably wont stop. IMO the addiction to camming is more like those who use escorts for sex. People put it on the same level as pre recorded porn but imo it's not. The actual interaction takes it to a level very few of them come back from.

[hurtandconfused19]

He’s a good husband, father and I love him but he’s just got a much higher sex drive than me.
When we’ve spoken about why he did it and kept returning to those sites he said he enjoyed the attention he got which you obviously don’t get from ordinary porn (because you’re paying for it!)
I suspected he formed a relationship with a cam girl but he swore that he didn’t and the amount he spent at a time didn’t even allow him to have private chats.

[Pinkbonbon]

I'd dislike a partner watching porn... but cam girls is a whole other level, it's up there with prostitution. Could never trust a man again after that. Let alone a husband!

It says he has a distorted view of women too. Plus if he fundamentally doesn't have respect for you (which is obvious otherwise he would never seek out interactive experiences with other women) then there is just no fixing this.

He already lied to you about it being a one of too. Sorry but, save yourself anymore years of heartache and walk away.

[AnyFucker]

You "working through this" means shut the fuck up.

If that is ok with you, crack on.

[MashedSpud]

He’s a good husband who spent £250 jerking off with cam girls even though you expressed you didn’t like the interactivity?

Doesn’t seem like a good husband to me.

[IcedPurple]

He’s a good husband, father and I love him but he’s just got a much higher sex drive than me.

There are ways of dealing with that other than paying a bored young woman in a bedsit to touch herself and talk dirty to him over an internet link.

I agree with the above poster. A good father? Maybe. A good husband? Nope.

[PositiveVibez]

He's not a good husband. He's a shit husband. He's deceived you by lying and also deceptively used money to pay for his sordid infatuation.

He' a sad little man who would rather spend £250 on wanking and objectifying women, than use it on his family.

[hurtandconfused19]

@AnyFucker I’m not sure what you mean?

I just don’t feel like I can end our 10 year relationship over this, but at the same time I don’t want to waste more years with someone who could potentially lie to me again.

[Josette77]

live cams seems like cheating to me. It would be a dealbreaker.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Thing is, OP, how will you know if he has lied to you? You don't. He will say something, you don't believe him, you'll snoop, probably find something, he will admit to the bare minimum and you'll be back here at the start wanting to "work through it".

[funkylittleboatrace]

Gross I wonder what else he is paying for what a loser.

[EKGEMS]

Any Fucker's interpretation of "We're working through this" is essentially you shutting up,accept shitty behavior from that Prince of a husband you've got for keeping the title of Mr. & Mrs. There is no way he's a great father or husband. He's lying and using live webcam women for sexual gratification. Is this who you want your children modeling their behavior after? Don't let the fear of an unknown future paralyze you to accept such disgusting behavior

[Anony95]

I'd get out of there asap. The lying and micro-cheating is not acceptable and you do not have to put up with it. Going into being single after marriage is better than staying in a bad one. Speak to a divorce lawyer/counsellor who can help you get out

[UnbowedUnbentUnbroken]

How would you feel if he were paying prostitutes to carry out the same activities in person? Would it be ok if he didn't physically touch? I mean that's no different than what hes doing.

I think people see it as being on par with pre recorded porn because theres a screen there.

The "relationship" he has with them is the same as if he were visiting them as escorts in person. Not so with a porn star in a pre recorded format.

[MsDogLady]

A good husband and father? He has lied and cheated for at least a year. He has used family money to pay sex workers for interactive sex. He enjoys the ‘attention’ they provide by following his instructions and performing for him.

In ‘working through’ things with a proven liar who feels entitled to seek illicit sexual thrills, you have positioned yourself to live with perpetual anxiety and uncertainty. Is this the relationship model that you want to show your children?

[UnbowedUnbentUnbroken]

Hes lying about not talking to them. Unless hes a full blown voyeur who on earth pays for live camming and just watches?

[MarianaMoatedGrange]

He isn't highly sexed. He's just a common or garden sleazebag.

[UnbowedUnbentUnbroken]

Also how was he getting attention from them if he wasnt chatting?

[user1479305498]

My H has an occasional habit when looking at porn to just 'look ' at those pages full of thumbnail ' calling cards' , but do nothing else, no clicking further or interaction etc and I know his history in detail I considered telling him to bugger off just at that level- in your case OP , do yourself a massive favour and end it, it' utterly disrespectful and to my mind is digital prostitution. If he visited a prostitute and just stood and watched and wanked-- you wouldn't stand for that would you, I see little difference.

[DonKeyshot]

Even if you take the router to bed with you every night, if he's been interacting with cam girls on his phone he'll be able to access the internet while you're in the land of Nod.

Your 10 year relationship has foundered on the Cape of No Trust and I trust you won't fall victim to sunk cost fallacy youarenotsosmart.com/2011/03/25/the-sunk-cost-fallacy/

[LFLM1]

This must be really shit for you. I also think web caming etc is a step beyond porn as it is about real interaction. Your husband is probably telling the truth as regards enjoying the attention.....he must realise it's not real though? These women are giving him attention because they're getting paid to. I think he will find it difficult not to have 'real' interactions with women in the future without some kind of therapy. If you do 'work through' this, it's going to be hard, what does he propose to do about it? Simply 'not doing it again." Is not going to work.

[NameChangeNugget]

What a sleaze, it’s cheating and paying for it takes him to the absolute bottom of the pile.

Mismatched sex drives always end in tears

[AgentJohnson]

^You "working through this" means shut the fuck up.*

This

You have two choices, accept it or leave, there is no third option of him morphing into someone else.

Having a higher sex drive doesn’t justify using webcams but it’s a really good way to blame you for his choices. The truth is, he’s a liar and even if you were having sex every day he would still be using them. He lied before and he will lie again. This is who he is.

There’s no we in you ‘shutting the fuck up’