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Am I right to bail out on this one ?

(40 Posts)
Datingishell Thu 10-Oct-19 11:04:04

Back in the summer at a weekend away with friends I got together with a man who is part of my friendship group . I am ten years older than him . I’ve been single a long time and wasn’t looking for anything so it was very unexpected. I was cool afterwards and after we both went hone he immediately contacted me asking if I was free the following weekend and we got together and had a great weekend . I didn’t think it was appropriate to bring up the where is this going talk as I felt it better to just go with the flow for a while and see where things went . From that point he was in fairly regular contact basically daily and was messaging even from work . Good morning texts. How is your day etc . To all intents and purposes he seemed quite keen . He lives over an hour from me and due to my own commitments we can only get together at weekends but that works fine for me . He is not one for talking on the phone which alarmed me a bit as I felt text is easier to keep an emotional distance but tried to ignore that . Our close mutual friend knew we had got together and seemed optimistic this was going to be something . Unfortunately last weekend after a great evening and night together he made a reference to us being a secret . I asked him why we had to be a secret and he replied because otherwise it’s a relationship and I don’t want that . Ughh not what I wanted to hear ! I asked him outright why and he gave me all the cliches -trust issues etc etc . I felt very disappointed when I went home as by this time we had been seeing each other for three months . Of course since then he’s turned the radio silence on and it’s been me initiating contact for a change . I guess I’m just looking for clarification that I should be walking away now although part of me suspects he’s already made that decision and isn’t mature enough to tell me so has just decided to ignore me . Our mutual friend thinks I should give it more time but why ? He’s clearly said he doesn’t want a relationship so I have to do this don’t I ? (Small wobble 😕)

LuluBellaBlue Thu 10-Oct-19 11:08:52

Yes you do, sorry he’s so spineless but I guess he’s shown what he really thinks / wants flowers

Datingishell Thu 10-Oct-19 11:14:00

It’s so disappointing as I thought he was lovely and he seemed to really like me . I figured that by stopping contact he was proving a point and probably thought it would be ok to hit me up again in a few weeks time 🙄

TooTrueToBeGood Thu 10-Oct-19 11:15:45

If he's being truthful then you have fundamentally opposing wants/needs so you should move on. If he's not being truthful and has other reasons to keep you a secret (ashamed of you, in another relationship etc) then you also need to move on. There's no scenario I can think of where you should give this relationship a minute more.

You deserve a partner that is so smitten by you they want to shout it from the rooftops. Get rid of the arsehole and find someone that deserves you.

Datingishell Thu 10-Oct-19 11:18:11

I don’t think he’s ashamed of me at all . Quite the opposite and I’ve known him for a long time so I know he is very single . He obviously just wants to keep his options open 🙄

BendyLikeBeckham Thu 10-Oct-19 11:45:44

You are his FWB only you didn't realise it.

If you are OK with that, fine. If you want something more, walk away now before your self esteem is trashed.

Everafter1 Thu 10-Oct-19 11:48:03

Yes you should walk away. 3 months already invested & only now he tells you he doesn't want a relationship. This is after he's pursued you!
It's a fling (for him) & unless you see it the same way it's not worth it.

This doesn't deserve another second of your time. Now he's pulling away as you're more invested, causing the roles to be reversed. It's not fair on you.
Sack him.

AryaStarkWolf Thu 10-Oct-19 11:52:04

aww sorry OP but yeah, keep your dignity and let this one go I think.

pinksparkleunicorns Thu 10-Oct-19 11:54:49

He's just not that into you. Sorry op said with kindness, don't waste your time. thanksginthanks

VictoriaBun Thu 10-Oct-19 12:00:45

He sees you as a FWB , which is fine if that worked for you as well . If it doesn't then I'd just text him to say no ill feeling but you realise it was a fwb situation and that it is not working out for you so goodbye.

Datingishell Thu 10-Oct-19 12:22:49

I’m about to text him but I’ve no idea how to word it ? I had had him on SM for a few years as we are colleagues in the same industry . Should I remove him ?

BendyLikeBeckham Thu 10-Oct-19 12:25:50

@VictoriaBun 's words seem apt

Datingishell Thu 10-Oct-19 12:29:44

I just sent him this . I’m sorry but this arrangement isn’t working for me anymore . I was looking for more than FWB . All the best

NChangeForNoReason Thu 10-Oct-19 12:32:24

Perfect response .... I hope he comes back with something to that shows he wants a little more

Datingishell Thu 10-Oct-19 12:34:16

I’m not expecting anything let alone that kind of reply sadly but at least I can walk away with my head held high

litterbird Thu 10-Oct-19 12:53:56

Well done, I’ve been in this scenario, it’s not what you want, he’s told you what he wants or not wants. It’s pants but better to cut ties now. It’s only been a short while. It’s going to sting a bit, even more so as you have mutual friends. You will be fine. Good luck.

Musti Thu 10-Oct-19 13:19:30

Well done op

Datingishell Thu 10-Oct-19 14:18:32

Thanks everyone. I won’t get a reply until he finishes work if at all but I know I’ve done the right thing 😕

pinksparkleunicorns Thu 10-Oct-19 20:27:54

Did you get a reply @Datingishell ?

Datingishell Thu 10-Oct-19 21:53:33

Ok so he called me. He was very shocked but admitted he’d pulled back because he sensed I was possibly developing feelings . He said he really liked me . Respected me etc and enjoyed our time together but for him it didn’t progress past sex and friendship and actually had the cheek to say that even if we went off and saw other people he didn’t see why if those relationships didn’t work that we couldn’t hook back up afterwards ... 🙄 I’ve now decided he’s an utter nob

ReanimatedSGB Thu 10-Oct-19 23:05:51

He's been relatively honest, which is no bad thing. But if you want more than FWB then he is not a suitable partner for you, so repeat that it's not working for you and wish him well.
There is a possibility that he is one of those who can't believe that any woman isn't desperate for more of his cock - or, even worse, the sort of man who is profoundly offended by the idea that women can be cheerfully casual about sex, and therefore sets out to persuade any woman he hooks up with that it's 'something special' right up until he's managed to get her to develop feelings, at which point he will back off as hurtfully as possible, so that he can tell himself he's 'won'.

BumbleBeee69 Thu 10-Oct-19 23:11:18

Well done OP, you kept your dignity, he sounds like a chancing knob. flowers

Datingishell Thu 10-Oct-19 23:43:44

I think chancing knob is accurate . I’m afraid if I’m not good enough to be his girlfriend I’m not good enough to sleep with . I told him this was over and wished him well . He was horrified . Well he would be Ive just cut off his sex supply

Datingishell Thu 10-Oct-19 23:48:42

However yes it does sting 😩 I was developing feelings for him and I obviously mis read him as I believed he had feelings too

BendyLikeBeckham Fri 11-Oct-19 01:51:22

Sorry OP, to hear of the hurt. You will come through this stronger. It's shit though.

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